WORKING TOWARD CONNECTING WORKING ON ME

[Ambivalent]

Yes the cycling was about me. One of the problems is that I don't want to take on another part time job. I don't want to be a damn receptionist and I don't want to be limited to only a thousand dollars a month.

Because I have no access to the accounts, I can't see where the money is going. This bugs me a bit. I don't feel like a wife and I don't feel like I'm single. It is very unnerving. I also don't have access to the mobile cell phone bill. I have stopped having e-mails come to my phone, because I don't know if he can access them. We are all on his cell account.

I feel as if I'm being managed, while he is out doing whatever he wants to do. I'm frustrated and feel like I don't have any power. I'm 53 and I gave a lot to this marriage and now I'm in a house by myself, with no idea where this is going. When or if he's coming back, what he's doing, what money he is spending.

This just makes me feel as if someone is standing on my chest. I want to go out with others just to build up my confidence again. I don't want to do things with just women. I don't like feeling guilty if I do BECAUSE I AM married.

I'm sad , I'm hurting and I don't like this . I don't want every single moment of my scheduled. I want my husband . I want to sit on the couch and hold him. I don't like feeling estranged. This is killing me.

I'm just going through motions, and I even think about checking out. I've never had those thoughts before. I'm still having feelings of being overwhelmed.

I fvkking HATE this! I'm becoming someone I reeeally don't like.