The Big Hill

[Pudmuddle]

Hey all, wow! Look at all of you that stopped by to wish me well. LOL, love it.

So here's the update on the 'date':

S was at his school to set up for the play, he is one of the theater crew. H came home from work, and I had been working from home all day. H said he had sent me a text that he had to work the next day (today) from 8-1. I said 'Oh I didn't get that, my phone was downstairs'. I had my doubts as to if he was actually working or whatever else, but I didn't say anything.

It was just H and I at home, so I talked to him for a bit about work and then went upstairs to get ready. Even though it was a simple play out I wanted to look good. I came down after awhile and we still have a few minutes before we had to leave, so I helped myself to a few glasses of wine. For some reason, I felt I needed it to relax, after all I was going on a date, lol.

My H and I watched some tv until we had to go. He started talking to the dog, getting playful with him because dog was wound up for not being outside for a few days due to the snow. Then the dog was jumping in his face and licking him with kisses. He said to dog 'Just like in the morning when you jump in my face and give me morning lovings'. Ok, I couldn't resist this one, so I said 'I'd like to give you some morning lovings...' and smiled a bit deviously. The wine helped too. H looked at me and gave me a kind of devilish look, in a good way. But he didn't say anything.

I told him I was glad that we could go out together. He quickly said'Yeah, it will be good to go watch S and support him'. I said 'I mean, it will be really fun to hang out with YOU.' He says 'Oh' and kind of looked at me.

After a while we got up and drove to the play. While waiting for the play to start, for some reason we started talking about bills. Oh, I know, it was because H was saying he had to work tomorrow for the overtime, because S wanted some new motoboots and they were expensive. So we started talking about bills. H kept saying we are going to be tight. He said, 'well I only spend money on our motocross'. Then I chipped in 'and your karate, and for your rebuild cars and for all the motogear between S and you.' He looked at me and said 'Oh yeah...'. I then said 'I don't spend any money on anything (which I really don't unless it is needed stuff for house, etc.) on myself, so I'd really like to know where all this money goes'. At that point I started to cry a little because of the wine, but also because I really don't spend money on myself. H wasn't angry or upset that I did this, but he got quiet. I then stopped the silly tears and said 'I didn't mean to cry about it or make you feel bad, I'd just like to know where our money is', 'Are you putting money in your account?' He says 'I know you need to know about the bills more and No, I am not putting any money in my account.' 'There is <this much> in our checking though, so I have saved some up, too'. I said 'Well that's great we can use that for Christmas, thanks for keeping up on that.'

So that was the only drama that night, minor stuff.

As we were talking I got to reach for his hand and squeeze it, told him he was in better shape than he thought he was, and got to kiss and hug him a couple of times. Not the long, loving hugs and kisses I long for but still some affection. He never initiated it, but he didn't rebuff any of the things I did.

I did notice throughout our convo that he still seems to be very insecure about himself. I felt like I kind of had to build him up a little bit here and there. That was interesting.

The play was good, it was 'Fame'. The kids did a good job and even the stage crew got to come out on the stage at the end, so I saw my S. I was so proud.

After we got home, I reached my hand out to him, and he actually reached for my hand and held it (I didn't think he would) and I thanked H for going out with me and that is was fun. He said 'Yeah, it was'.

So the good stuff is that I was able to initiate a lot of touching and affection and it wasn't the usual weak return hugs or ducking his head in anyway when I hugged or did light kisses, or touches. I went into the evening with no expectations of anything that I would initiate would have any return. I think the wine helped too, lol. Except for the silly tears over bills.

Lots of little positives throughout the night.

This morning as he was leaving for work, I hugged him and said 'Have fun in the cold!'. He said 'Yep, got my layers on'. He then mentioned that after he got back this afternoon, he would get the checkbook up to date and then talk to me about the bills. That made me happy.