WORKING TOWARD CONNECTING WORKING ON ME

[Ambivalent]

Yes Bea you are right, he does put gas in my car!

And before he left, he arranged to have someone take care of the lawn.

He can be thoughtful quite often. He didn't want to borrow the SUV, 'cuz his window is stuck down. It would have been chilly today.

Going to download a job app, and deliver in person. If I get the job it is half way betwixt my home and school.

[Whiterose]

I'm 8 months separated ambiv and I really miss the physicality of a relationship but working through it with you Hun.

My H is crazy train and often times mean, although he's been very polite in his latest messages as he tries and gets things he wants, I guess it depends on their mood and their daily goal.

Dance every moment you can! So fun!!!!! It's good to meet new friends too....people that know you as you and not as half of a whole. Keep having fun!!!

[Ambivalent]

This is our journey too, and it sin't just about getting a buff body, though I must say I enjoy that part of it.

I believe that is the only benefit. I was always introspective prior to this. Read many books, so I'm kind of burning out.

I beat myself up more than anyone else could too! It is such an exhausting process.

I just want it over, one way or the other. There is a big difference from moving forward and moving on. Because there is hope, there will always be the final bomb drop or R.

I cycle back and forth from being pissed off to being empathetic. A lot of what he is going through and doing is self inflicted. I'm NOT his mom, he is one who reads a lot too, so everything at my disposal is also at his.

It's frustrating to see him run away over and over again. Compete where he has no business competing. And to top it off , calling me his best friend. How in the world can he justify treating his best friend this way?

And when I ask this it is about lying. He lies and has lied to me for years. He doesn't want to look bad, he doesn't want to hurt me, he doesn't want to get caught, and he doesn't want disapproval. That is a whole lot 'o lying !

The insecurity that he has lived with is enormous. I know part of it is his mom. For I can remember him telling me things his mom said. How is older brother was favored and the younger brother was the baby. He was stuck with being the middle of three boys, and also having two sisters that could do no wrong!

That is a ton of rejection. Probably why his friends mean so much. They accept him no matter what.

[Ambivalent]

Well, never saw H. today. They didn't get a deer and saw none the rest of the day. He's heading back to his friends house and then back to MD.

I filled out a job app. today. Four pages. I'll drop it off on Sunday on my way back from school. Tonight I'm going to workout and then go to Giant. I'm trying very hard to conserve gas by combining trips. 1,000. a month is nothing to work with. My car easily takes 100. a week. Pfft 400 gone

Got to Costco and got a 19lb turkey for 1.09 a lb.

Some bread to make stuffing, and some odd little puffed rice rolls(sweetened)and mushrooms for the spinach casserole I make.

I feel him pulling away a bit. This past week has been quiet more texts than calls. It's bothering me. Feeling low. When does the cycling stop?

I want my life back, my emotions back. I want to enjoy myself and be happy again.

[job]

Ambivalent,
Your h is probably pulling back because he's been really comfortable around you the last couple of weekends and he doesn't want to give you the impression that he's coming back. Also, as the holidays approach, many of the MLCers begin to act out, i.e., pulling back, disappear, etc. Some even become more like 2 year olds on steroids. I wouldn't worry about his pulling back too much. It's par for the course.

Are you referring to your cycling? It stops when you take your focus off of your h and what he's doing. It stops when you say that's enough and put the focus back on you, your schooling and your family.

You are the one that is control of your life and happiness. Your h should only be there for the ride. He's not responsible for your happiness...you are. Take back your life and live it the fullest. Live each day as it comes and if he should decide to play catch up, so be it...but until that day comes...live it to the fullest.

[Ambivalent]

Yes the cycling was about me. One of the problems is that I don't want to take on another part time job. I don't want to be a damn receptionist and I don't want to be limited to only a thousand dollars a month.

Because I have no access to the accounts, I can't see where the money is going. This bugs me a bit. I don't feel like a wife and I don't feel like I'm single. It is very unnerving. I also don't have access to the mobile cell phone bill. I have stopped having e-mails come to my phone, because I don't know if he can access them. We are all on his cell account.

I feel as if I'm being managed, while he is out doing whatever he wants to do. I'm frustrated and feel like I don't have any power. I'm 53 and I gave a lot to this marriage and now I'm in a house by myself, with no idea where this is going. When or if he's coming back, what he's doing, what money he is spending.

This just makes me feel as if someone is standing on my chest. I want to go out with others just to build up my confidence again. I don't want to do things with just women. I don't like feeling guilty if I do BECAUSE I AM married.

I'm sad , I'm hurting and I don't like this . I don't want every single moment of my scheduled. I want my husband . I want to sit on the couch and hold him. I don't like feeling estranged. This is killing me.

I'm just going through motions, and I even think about checking out. I've never had those thoughts before. I'm still having feelings of being overwhelmed.

I fvkking HATE this! I'm becoming someone I reeeally don't like.

[Ambivalent]

Your h is probably pulling back because he's been really comfortable around you the last couple of weekends and he doesn't want to give you the impression that he's coming back.

Why do they do this? Do some of them actually believe that they can go out and play, while in the back of their minds they plan to come back? Kind of like taking a time out?

Why do they feel they have to make the spouse feel like they aren't coming back?

Why not immediately file? I've noticed a pattern with some WAS'. The ones who are really done, file within a month or so. What is up with these guys, is it really let me find something better? If not I can always go back?

[beatrice]

In general most MLCers are running headlong - often in circles, but there we are.

The hardest lesson we have to learn in this is to accept life as it is, and that it is not currently how we want it to be. That is firm ground from which we can build our future lives. Do what you have to now to get to a place where you want to be. As Job says, please take your focus on your husband and understand that right or wrong, like it or not, he is going to do this stuff. That is the sad reality, and you are free to get on with your life, and this is actually a great blessing, although form my own experience, it takes a very long time to fully appreciate what a great gift it is.

We LBS need to take responsibility for our own stuff, and allow the MLCer to do the same. That is proving to be a great lesson for me

[reachingHigher]

[quote]Why do they do this? Do some of them actually believe that they can go out and play, while in the back of their minds they plan to come back? Kind of like taking a time out?

Ambiv,
I asked my H this during replay. Is it sorta like taking a vacation from M? Time for you to play?
No, he assured me it wasn't.
He believed he was really done.

[job]

Ambivalent,
Yes, in a way you are being controlled by your h, i.e., no access to the accounts, given a set amount for living expenses, etc. I wouldn't like that either. MLCers tend to forget that life does go on and they have this crazy thought that we should remain right where they left us pre-crisis.

My thoughts on why some file sooner than others. Some file quicker because they are in a very dark place of anger and want to be done w/the marriage/relationship right away. Others talk about filing and will drag their feet until the we get tired of the BS and we file. Then there are some who are very mild mannered until we begin pushing for answers and that's when the divorce card is dropped as a defense mechanism to get us to back off. In many instances, as long as you don't rock the boat, they will continue on their merry way and live life in a perfect fantasy. We are then stuck in limbo for months and even years wondering what is up w/them.

They are operating purely on emotions and they aren't even thinking that we are the back up plan if something goes wrong w/their fantasy life. They aren't even thinking that their fantasy lives will fail. They have to do this and they have to do it right now, no matter what. Why? Because mortality is calling them and they feel very smothered being in our homes and relationships. They feel that this is something they have to do before they die. Yep, it's crazy...but I have a MLCing friend tell me about his thoughts on why he felt the urgency to go "stupid".

I know this isn't the life you want, but for now, you have to accept your h for who he is today because the man you married will be gone for quite some time until he's resolved his issues. For now, you have to figure out how you are going to deal w/the cards you've been dealt. It was very difficult for me to let my xh go and learn what life was all about...but I did it and I'm glad I did in so many ways. My life was a jumbled up mess after he left, but in time, I found my footing and I not only moved forward, but I moved onward as well. I was determined that I wasn't going to allow this man to destroy me emotionally and mentally, as well as financially and I succeeded in all three areas. But, Ambivalent, it takes time to get your footing. Right now, your focus has to be on you and your life. There's nothing you can do to fix him...only he can do that. YOU have the power to control your own destiny, whether he opts to return or not. Use your anger to help you move ahead.

There are many lessons to be learned along the MLC path and you will learn them, even if you are kicking and screaming while on your journey. I know...I did a lot of kicking and screaming on my journey until I detached and left my xh to his own fate.