Hello again. I will say this has to be the craziest nerve racking thing I have ever dealt with. It amazes me that so many couples find their selves in this same scenario. I just don't understand it, not sure if it is just how society is now or if people just don't want to acknowledge we aren't perfect and that another person cannot make you happy, only you can and for me I want to share that happiness with my spouse and kids. I have read here a lot, paid attention to the things I do around my spouse and the reactions I get, and reflected on our past and what part I played in getting to where we are currently at. I can't find consistency in how she reacts to me, I can do something today and get a positive result, do the exact same thing two days from now and get negative results. For me that is hard to understand. I see patterns in her behavior towards me, but it seems that no matter what I try the responses keep changing.
For example, since May when I first found out about everything I see this pattern every few weeks. She gets close, very kind and loving, wants to spend time together, sends thoughtful texts, calls a lot, we get together and I show her the main thing she said I never did...undivided attention. I turn off my mobile, let her talk, validate what she is saying without offering solutions, just listen. About two weeks of this and she is back to very distant and little conversation. Ok, first couple of times it almost drove me bonkers, I would ask her what happened there, are you talking to someone else again as that did happen first two times in this pattern. I changed it up and when this pattern happened again I didn't ask anything and stopped making contact. Of course now she gets mad, says I am not there for her, I am being the same as always. Then the pattern repeats, last time was just about 3 weeks ago. She took my youngest son to the beach, wanted me to come down. I did, we had a great time. She had put her wedding ring back on, told me she knows I am the best man for her, wants us to just date, knows she loves me but has her own issues she needs to address before we can have a healthy relationship. I told her I was proud of her for addressing her own issues and that I appreciate her feeling safe enough to open up to me some. Well here we are at today, noticed the swing from her again last weekend. Back to distant, very little communication, but still says she has the same desires as before. Wants us to do Thanksgiving dinner with her family, I tried to bow out but my father in law basically said you are my family, either you come or I will drag you here myself...lol. I know this pains him and he thinks the world of me and I feel same towards him. My wife also wants us to go black Friday shopping. This time instead of being distant from her, or questioning her too much I decided to try something different. Well it is still questions but different ones. I tell her I understand that you are feeling confused, me too, I am here, I am not out to hurt you. I respect your wishes and how can I help you deal with this time in your life. I can't say I fully understand what is going on because you tell me you have to deal with it on your own and won't tell me what is bugging you other than she says it is me stuff meaning her. Ok, I say we never had open communication before so I will be open from here on out. I tell her I want you to understand what goes thru my mind at these times, when you don't fill me in on what is happening with your emotions I can't help meet any I am neglecting. You give me way too much credit for being able to recognize then from afar. I know something is wrong, just not exactly what. I am not sure it is me, if you are stressed because you have lost your job and the holidays and shopping season are upon us, if it is your family, or maybe something totally different. Whatever it may be I am here for you when you want to discuss it. But please understand we have been in this same situation several times prior to this and each time you have backed off it has been because there was another man paying you some attention. That is where my mind tends to ever to when you flip flop on me. She assures me there is no one else, just wants me, but she needs to fix her own issues, not with us but from her past. She just tells me to give her time to get her life back on track and not pressure her. Ok, I believe you, I won't pressure you, I will continue being dad to the boys.
One side of my brain says wow you are a fool for thinking she is being honest with you. The other side says no, she is being honest this time, but she is scared and confused and when she starts feeling vulnerable and close to you again she backs off. Watch her and respond accordingly.
