We're Dating

[labug]

I posted on Kate's thread in Newcomers that I've had some anger surfacing lately and how the way I deal with that now is so different.

For some reason that reminded me to look for an article I promised to send a friend. As I was reading through it to make sure it was what I wanted, I came across these words:

"Yet, what does my behavior convey to him when he happens to behave in ways I do not like? Am I transmitting full acceptance of where he is at in the moment? Or am I transmitting disapproval, through verbal and/or non-verbal communication (i.e. body language)?

Am I still in a place of self-awareness and choice as to prioritize connection? Or am I pulled into reactivity and conditionality? Maybe withdrawing emotionally from him, or withholding the relationship in reactive, subconscious ways"...

"If I indiscriminately buy into the cultural conditioning that love is a feeling, my behavior will reflect that. All emotions, pleasant neutral or unpleasant, change every so many seconds, depending on situations, what need is stirred in us, and what thoughts we focus on and cultivate."...

"Holding love as an autonomous value puts the responsibility of loving and "feeling loved" (i.e. meeting my need for love) on me. I empower myself to care for and look after this seed of love, water it, and help it grow into a healthy, hearty plant."

I needed to read that this morning because my old ways were to use my tone and body language to express dissatisfaction. I withheld affection. There was a lot of "If you loved me then..." both spoken and unspoken.

I'm not that person anymore but I have to practice that everyday in every interaction.

S20 and I had a difficult conversation last night about an agreement we had made with a target date of Jan 1st. The agreement was important so I wrote it down and had given it to him to make any changes. He had handed it back to me without changes and said he was in agreement.

He now doesn't remember that and has made no moves toward satisfying the agreement.

However, we were able to have a discussion about it that was a reiteration of the facts, and while he was clearly unhappy there was no dredging up the past, no old resentments. I was able to validate where necessary and ask for clarification when needed.

I was present in that moment, not entrenched in the past.

And I was able to sleep last night. No worried tossing and turning.

As they say in AlAnon, It Works If You Work It.

[Crimson]

I am getting up to speed on your deal here, Bug. I am late to the party, but congratulations. I think we landed here round about the same time....good to see positives for you. You deserve good things.

Crimson

[labug]

Crimson, thanks. I remember back in the early days and I would post a different detaching bullet point on your thread daily.

Good things will come your way, I had to get out of my own way to allow that to happen.

[labug]

To update my story, H and I told our sons about our rekindled R. They were both happy, S21 cautiously so, but I get that.

The time has gone so quickly, it's already been 3 months of dating.

We went to the ranch party last weekend and had a great time. We had to drive 90 minutes to get to the ranch but driving time is always good talking time. We discussed different ways to handle money, that was a big problem before because I controlled it and penny-pinched. He felt like he had to ask me for money and he doesn't want to do that so we'll do something different. We have a couple of options on the table.

He came here after work for dinner. That was different, good but different. That's the first time he's eaten dinner here in almost 3 years.

And so it goes.

[Ambivalent]

Good things will come your way, I had to get out of my own way to allow that to happen.

Would you help me understand this?

Thanks

[Ambivalent]

Bug, and UR

Funny, when I clicked on the link and saw my thread my response was " I wonder who posted a list, did I miss something ? "

When I saw it was the list I posted, I had to smile.

I am NOwhere near using that list! It really is for those who are piecing. I realized that about a week after my downward spiral.

I am so happy that you will use it and hope it helps.

Yay! I have given back!

Anyhoo, thought I'd pop in for spirit lifting. BUST ON!

[Ambivalent]

I concur with Chasing.

Or something that boosts his ego! " Oh H. this is killing me, I know you are so ( insert adjective here ) and I can't wait to see what you've come up with for our special date! I didn't think this would be so exciting ! "

[labug]

Good things will come your way, I had to get out of my own way to allow that to happen.

Would you help me understand this?

Thanks

I'm a controller, a defense mechanism that I carried into adulthood. If I could just control things tightly enough that nothing ever went wrong, everything would be OK. i think we all have those, "If I just make x money, everything will be OK", "If I just have this house..." "When the kids get to pre-school, middle school, college..." "If I get that promotion..." "If my H comes back..."

We all know that's not true. Everything will never be OK. That's life.

I've learned that in letting go of the control and the drive to get where I think everything will be OK, things are better than OK. Sometimes life leads you where you need to be, not where you think you want to be but you have to let go in order to see that and enjoy it.

Does life still have ups and downs, certainly but I accept those as a part of life not a permanent state of being.

There are so many slogans that play on this:

Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.~John Lennon

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.~Joseph Campbell

We can always choose to perceive things differently. You can focus on what's wrong in your life, or you can focus on what's right.~Marianne Williamson

I equate ego with trying to figure everything out instead of going with the flow. That closes your heart and your mind to the person or situation that's right in front of you, and you miss so much.~Pema Chodron

[Crimson]

I am so delighted for you, Bug. Thank you for commenting. Stop by my thread whenever you have a chance. I think I was well on the way to detaching - then XW moved back in for spring and was gone again by June. I ti didn't CRUSH me - but it was painful. I am learning to move forward again. Lately I have begun to realize that while I DO miss her on one level or abother - I mostly miss my son. I get far more emotional pain being without him that I do with her at this point. In a perverse way, that is progress on my part.

Crimson

[LITB]

Bug,

I am so happy for you that you are piecing. You are an inspiration to many. Wishing you all the happiness in the world.