wife hardens heart-6

[planet]

Personally I've never heard anyone say they were happy to be spanked as a kid.

Nobody likes it. Ever.

I remember this one time my teacher slapped me because my hair grew too long and I gave some stupid reason. I was humiliated but I have kept my hair in the appropriate length throughout my school years.
Thinking back, I would have rebelled if I haven't been set straight by my teacher.
That has a lot to do with my own character. I learned and was humbled by it all. I would say some people may not see it my way and could have taken that experience completely different.

No, I do not accept OM disciplining my Ds physically.
I would have to accept that XW have chosen this man and begins to build a new family.
I don't think she's fogged up. It's pretty clear what she wants.

[MrBond]

"I do not like to spank my kids especially it is out of my own frustration of inability to control them. Therefore, I rarely spank them and it is extremely rare."

The fact that you are hitting them because you're frustrated at YOUR OWN inability, shows that you shouldn't be hitting them at all. That's your fault. Not theirs.

"XW parents have some weird logic that we should not discipline nor reprimand the kids."

You're not them so you really can't speak for them. There might be a reason why they believe the way that they do and it's their right to do so.

"One will have to look at how their own kids turn out to know they have got it wrong."

The same can be said about you. I mean you were the one who initially ignored your W's issues with you. So in a way, you were able to do whatever you wanted and not listening. Same as what your W is doing to you now.

"My mom used make us do chores. We learned responsibility from it. That is discipline."

But you acted the way your W is now.

"Can you see my frustrations dealing with them including XW?"

Just do what you can do from your side. If possible, go to C with your W and your kids to see how to help them.

"The problem is we are divorced and I don't spend enough time with them. It's not 50-50 time either. I'll have to make do with the little time I have."

Start demanding more time.

"I don't expect others to understand this. You lived in a land where the law favours both parties. It is extremely unfair here. I don't think you can even comprehend how helpless I feel. Losing my family and all."

It doesn't matter where you live or what the laws are. It's what you and your W decide in terms of the visitation terms.

"I have been lied to since day one. Naively believed I have a chance with XW all this while. Our pictures are up. My cup is still there. Etc. Everything is just for show."

You are still making it all about the OM. Even if the OM wasn't there, your W would still be unhappy.

"Last couple of weeks, I have been avoiding XW. I have nothing I want to talk to her about. I just can't bring myself to pretend being happy around her. I feel very empty."

What have you been doing to make yourself fulfilled? Instead of just sitting around, what parts of your life have you gotten better?

[planet]

I regret hitting my kids out of frustration. I know and I acknowledge it. I don't spank them now and I'll remember not to do it when I'm frustrated.
I don't run away from admitting my mistakes. I own up to them.

XW have been using this excuse of spanking the kids against me. She is justifying it to everybody else that I'm not a good father. I could count the times I've spanked the kids with only one hand. I'm not saying I'm right but this not the image I want to be stuck with.

I certainly owned up my issues throughout my M. I recognized them. I don't run away from them. There many regrets and I wished I could have done things differently.
But, I do not see their approach in parenting is the best way.

I know she is unhappy in the M even if OM is not is the picture we probably would D somewhere down the line.
But you are telling me to ignore OM. How is that even possible?
There are no chance at all of a possible R.

I'm just taking things a day at a time. I made quite a number of new friends lately. Reconnecting with some old ones. Spending some time apart from my girls.
I got things to do but it doesn't seem to fulfill the loss that I felt.

[labug]

PM, just a final word...or 2 and then lets allow Planet to get what he needs.

About the child running into the street, apples and oranges. You don't have to hit a child to keep him/her out of the street. You changed somewhere in there from physical violence to physical intervention. I never said I wouldn't physically intervene in an extreme circumstance but let's face it most of life isn't made up of extreme circumstances.

I'm sorry for the abuse you suffered. Do you truly believe that hasn't affect your adult life? You don't need to respond to me, none of my business. That's for you to figure out.

My guess is your answer is "yes."

I'd ask that you don't speak for me or mindread me. I'm very capable of speaking for myself and I'm usually pretty clear about what I think.

My views on this are out of the realm of opinion because there's a lot of solid research to back them up.

Now back to the Planet Show!

[labug]

Planet, it's all yours now. Sorry for the extreme highjack but maybe the discussion was helpful to you.

[JayMan]

I think you're getting side-tracked with the whole spanking thing. I spank S5 pretty much all day, and I'm his favorite person. He asks about me constantly, wants to know where I am, snuggles me, etc - if I leave W's apartment, he hangs on to my leg and sobs and begs me not to leave.

You need to focus on the kids, and forget XW. When my XW1 started piddling with OM, and he moved in, I decided to ignore them, and I took the kids camping, roller skating, ice skating, etc. You make life a blast for the Ds, and they'll gravitate to you.

[planet]

Now back to the Planet Show!

Gosh. Thanks.
My life is no bed of roses right now.
It's hard to accept things the way they are now. It's surprisingly fast the way things move. In just 2.5 months after the court hearing, I find OM staying over on weekends and it's been going on for probably 2-3 weeks before i realized it.
Do you just fall in love with someone after falling out of love with another? Is this just a rebound?
In the weeks before BD, XW did want to make things work.
I had a revelation days ago. I can understand now my unhappiness in the M and it's got nothing to do with XW. It's just unfortunate we did not communicate effectively with each other.
I shutdown when she reached out. She shuts down when I reach out. It was unhealthy.

Planet, it's all yours now. Sorry for the extreme highjack but maybe the discussion was helpful to you.

Not at all.
Yes. It was helpful in a way.
None of us advocate spanking. Some us accept some form of it.

You need to focus on the kids, and forget XW. When my XW1 started piddling with OM, and he moved in, I decided to ignore them, and I took the kids camping, roller skating, ice skating, etc. You make life a blast for the Ds, and they'll gravitate to you.

Do you mean completely slamming the door shut?
There is no way she's coming back if she's in another R. It's not an affair anymore. It's a new relationship.
I'm not seriously effected by their actions. I'm surprised that I feel this way.
The problem is that I still love her.

[PatientMan]

PM, just a final word...or 2 and then lets allow Planet to get what he needs.

If you care to continue. I am enjoying the discussion.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2407716#Post2407716

-PM

[planet]

Finished with the first session of EDMR. I'm seeking to rid my insomnia which I have been suffering since BD.
I had a long talk with the practitioner. He assessed that I may have a problem with acceptance.
Then it just hit me. I may have not come to terms with it all and did not want to believe that this is really happening sub consciously. That could explain why I keep on waking up too early.
I think this insomnia will stop once I've really let things go. Really move on.

He did some 'programming' on me. Didn't feel like he did what he claimed. I do not feel programmed. Well, I guess I'll know tonight. See how this goes for a couple of nights.

[planet]

I heard a beautiful song sang by a street performer. Really Touching. It's about a love triangle where the protagonist reaching out to his girl and pleading her to be truthful over her affair.

Decided to do a temp check on myself.

I managed to find out the name of the song and the original artist.
Downloaded and played it over and over again on my mobile.

Tears came naturally most of the time. The feeling of sadness overwhelms. You relate so much with the song it consumes you.

Nuts! I'm definitely not ready.
I thought I have accepted most of what I have witness and experienced these few months.
Insomnia continues to haunt. I woke up at 4.30am this morning.
I'm doing everything i can to overcome this.