//do you want to be right, or do you want to hopefully be married again someday?//
Both. I want (make that demand) to be married to someone who understands what is right. If you're current spouse doesn't get this, it may be time for a change in spouses.
Does "Exposure" help them get it faster? Does secrecy give them time for remorse so they get this on their own? Will you're spouse ever get it? Are you willing to endure the emotional pain, and do you have the patience to wait for them to get it?
I don't know. These are tough questions.
In my personal case, the choices my W made were clear to everyone in our close circle of friends and family. It didn't require "Exposure", people saw what was going on. For a set of friends outside of our close circle, I wrote a FB message outing my W's affair.
You are right, the result was anger, not remorse. My W's heart hardened, she came to view our relationship as adversarial. Her pride kicked in. She viewed following through on her choices and making them work as "Winning" and giving in to family pressure and reconciling as "Losing". The road home was very bumpy.
Tactically, exposure forces the person to make a choice and dig in on that choice. You have no control over the choice a person makes. It very well may doom you're marriage. Depending on you're spouse's true heart, that may not be a bad thing.
Just for the record, I regret exposing my W's affair, and if I had to do it over again, I would keep it private. Of course, that is easy to say in hindsight when you are not dealing with the emotions of another man sleeping with you're W.
Instead of exposure, I should have instituted firmer boundary's. I simply should have said that the affair needs to end immediately, or I will file immediately. Yes, this is an ultimatum. But at some point, you need to have enough respect for yourself to set legitimate boundaries. For me, a marriage where you're spouse is actively having an affair is not acceptable.
