Hi all. I'm new here.

[2ndTimeHurt]

"From my point of view, it feels like I'm being attacked"

"Honestly I don't feel attacked."

Contradicting yourself again. It's hard to tell what you really mean.

I felt attacked by you not my W.

"Again, not an attack, but you just chose to see it that way. Just an observation. When you disagree with your W, do you see it as "attacks" as well? I think to a certain degree you do."

When I disagree with her I don't feel attacked. I know the mind frame she's in so I do my best not to take things she says personally. I can give examples how I don't get defensive. The other day my son hit her. I was trying to tell him to say sorry. She said let him calm down. I didnt take it as an attack on my parenting skills. She on the other hand will. I asked her if our son wears a seatbelt during can rides. She went ballistic and accused me of calling her a bad mother. My I intensions were soley on the safety of our son.

Again another misunderstanding between the two if us. I'm taking this time to clarify my comments.

[MrBond]

Ok so in that context, are there other behaviors that bother you so much?

[2ndTimeHurt]

Ok so in that context, are there other behaviors that bother you so much?

I'm not a black and white thinker;) there's a time and place for everything.

Disrespectful behavior comes to mind. Mind reading also comes to mind. There are probably more but it does depend on the context. Ie. anger... Getting angry because I ask about my son bothers me. But getting angry to defend my son against a wrongful act(may not be black and white) towards him is fine by me.

[MrBond]

"Disrespectful behavior comes to mind."

That's a vague statement. Disrespectful behavior is different for everyone. What one person considers disrspectful, another might not.

"Mind reading also comes to mind."

Again, that's a little vague and honestly all couples are guilty of this to a certain extent.

Maybe be a little more specific.

"Getting angry because I ask about my son bothers me. But getting angry to defend my son against a wrongful act(may not be black and white) towards him is fine by me."

Again, I don't understand what you mean here. Do you mean she gets mad when you ask about your son? How and what about do you ask her? Sometimes your tone has alot to do with how someone reacts to you. Plus you can't base things on her current emotional state. Was this something that always happened?

[2ndTimeHurt]

"Disrespectful behavior comes to mind."

That's a vague statement. Disrespectful behavior is different for everyone. What one person considers disrspectful, another might not.

"Mind reading also comes to mind."

Again, that's a little vague and honestly all couples are guilty of this to a certain extent.

Maybe be a little more specific.

"Getting angry because I ask about my son bothers me. But getting angry to defend my son against a wrongful act(may not be black and white) towards him is fine by me."

Again, I don't understand what you mean here. Do you mean she gets mad when you ask about your son? How and what about do you ask her? Sometimes your tone has alot to do with how someone reacts to you. Plus you can't base things on her current emotional state. Was this something that always happened?

Those statements were intentionally vague because I don't think in black or white. I can't just say a particular behavior bothers me because it depends on context.

Ok I don't want to generalize. There have been numerous occasions in the past(early relationship) where I wasn't being congruent with my tone and words. I've managed to become aware of that so I'm conscious about those things now(for the most part). This issues has been an ongoing theme in our relationship. It's not just with me that she does this. Ie. her friends may stop talking to her for whatever reason. She will make up a story in her head why they stopped talking. She told me they were starting rumors about her. I asked if she actually heard anything. She said no. I tried validating her as best I could but it was difficult. I just said that it [censored] and I can understand that she feels upset. The other example was about my son and the seatbelt. I calmly asked if he was wearing a seatbelt. No anger no accusing, just a neutral statement if was he wearing his seatbelt. Based on her life experiences she decides to view comments like that as attacks on her. Clearly she could've said no, but she got mad instead and accused me of calling her a bad mother. I've never said that about her. I always tell her we are both amazing parents.

Her current emotional state(when she's amped up with emotions) is something I'm aware of. My IC says she has "my name"-glasses on. Meaning she will view everything about me in a negative light. It's the resentment. But even when she is calm, me asking something is still a trigger. She's told me stories from her past where she quit playing soccer because she didnt agree with what her coach was saying. I see it plenty of times after we leave her sister's house. She'll get upset at what was said and I'm there too but I don't see why she would get mad. Then she tells me they're probably thinking this or that.


Again, I agree I was not congruent in the past relationship. I'm much better now at being congruent but her past history prevents her from seeing me as neutral. And yes, she has told me that as well.

[2ndTimeHurt]

Things are going ok I guess. We're getting along and I've managed to do a few things that I wasn't able to do during our first 14 months apart. She actually let me hug her(reluctantly mind you, she was sick so I felt like hugging her), she also let me rub her feet(something we always used to do). These are things she would never let me get away with the last time we separated. Tomorrow is my friend's wedding social and there is also the possibility of me going with her to her work Xmas party(it's only bowling, haha). Anyway I am looking forward to hanging out with her tomorrow.

Here's my question. I read somewhere on here that sometimes an amicable WAS is just as bad as an angry one. Which is worse? Does it really matter? Does it depend on circumstance?

The last time she left she was very cold, distant, resentful etc. She was very hurt from my actions. This time it seems she's more comfortable around me. Why would she invite me to her Xmas party for example? She has also asked me out to the pub twice already. The last time we went out it was just me and her. Again, this never happened during our first break up.

How do I handle the amicable WAS? The exact same way I'm guessing but I don't know for sure. All I know is, I'm taking this one day at a time and I'm keeping up with my PMA.

[2ndTimeHurt]

Well tonight went smoothly. No fighting, no arguments, just fun times. There was a jerk at the social but other than that things were good. She seemed happy. Not sure what to make of it, but at least it wasn't a step back.

She moves out in a week. We'll see how things go after she's gone. I'm not looking forward to it but I've been in this situation before and I survived. I can do it again.

[AnotherStander]

Here's my question. I read somewhere on here that sometimes an amicable WAS is just as bad as an angry one. Which is worse? Does it really matter? Does it depend on circumstance?

An amicable WAS is what a lot of people term "low energy". It's easy to misinterpret the feelings of a low energy WAS, they give off all the signals and vibes of a WAS that is considering reconciliation, but usually that's not what they're thinking at all. They still want D, they're just not in a hurry to do anything about it.

My W is low energy as well. I had to learn over and over again to drop my expectations, because it's easy to get your hopes up with a LE WAS.

[2ndTimeHurt]

Ahhh. So that makes my situation extra difficult. The last time she left she was angry. This time not so much. She's actually really nice to me and shows signs of improving herself. She's claiming to be more mindful of her thoughts. Lots of positives, but all these positives don't really mean anything. Or do they? Confusion!!!!

We actually shared a nice emotional hug when we were separating our son's toys. The last time it was more like, "you have this and ill take this". Very cold and not personal at all. I'm glad she's showing me some vulnerability.

I'm thinking the real test will be when she moves out next week. Will she continue this charade of being nice or will she go into dark mode. Maybe she genuinely wants time apart to figure her stuff out. Who knows but we'll find out. I'm just gonna keep on keeping on.

[2ndTimeHurt]

So counseling today was a disaster. Our counselor feels it's probably not a good idea for me to be hanging out with my ex and she also feels that our sessions may be hurting me. I told her I'm taking things one day at a time and nobody knows the future. On a bright note my ex wants to do another session. I'm not sure how to handle the next one.

It seems as though my ex wants to be friends. She says we jumped into our relationship too fast without getting to know each other better. She says there was too much pressure right from the get go. I'm sensing she enjoys the time we've been having because we haven't really been able to do this without the pressure of a label.

If I'm being honest, it feels like she wants to get to know the new me better to see where it might lead. But that could just be me being hopeful. My gut is telling me there is still hope but I'm well aware that I should act as if a reconciliation won't happen.

Should I just go with the flow? Any ideas on how to proceed? I think I'm just gonna continue on with what I've been doing. If I get burned, I get burned.