I feel it seeping in too. I want her to be better for herself, for the boys, and for me, in that order. Words here are safe. It's become a place for me to express my fears and frustrations.
Only had 1/2 day at work today. Going shopping for our Angels from the Angel Tree at church. After I pick up a few things, I'll get in a little run begore the family gets home. Full afternoon.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
W is feeling rough tonight. Came home saying she felt bad. I took my boys to the HS football game and left her at home alone. Had a great time at the game, came home to see W still awake watching tv with phone in hand. I took a 3 mile run to clear my head. After coming back, I showered and settled in. Once again, I tucked my sons into bed, told them I loved them, and W just laid there in her bed and ignored us all. She didn't even see S10 after we came back. New low for her disengagement from the family.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
W was Ms. Uber Mom. Then a few months before BD, she started distancing, then after BD, way gone, compared to before.
Less than a year, she started slowly reconnecting with our sons, especially the younger 2, the oldest was on his journey to be a man, so less so with him.
It has been growing, and now is pretty close to "normal", with the caveat that she realizes that they aren't little anymore, and NOW seems okay with it...accepting of it.
It is ONE aspect of her mlc, and she is working her sexy little butt off on figuring it out, getting to where she needs to be.
Most likely, your W's interactions, etc with the kids will return. I think it's pretty damn tough to completely severe the Mom and kids tie. Just be patient, make up for it with them best you can, but DO NOT hinder, interfere, push, expect or anything...let her figure it out. Most likely, she will.
Oh, when she figures out what she did, and such, regarding the kids, and the moments/time lost...umm..look out. She will be one depressed and possibly angry person.
That's why you need to be sure to not interfere, push, etc in any way...just support.
Most likely it'll all be okay in that area, be patient, trust in God and the process.
Well, that's my experience from my sitch...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
JF, I can remember when W was still home where the boys asked me every night is she was going to come tell them goodnight. Most times she didn't. It still is one of the saddest things I've experienced in this. Now, almost two years later, she does tell them goodnight and shows genuine love for them.
Be patient and learn to bite your tongue.
It was a nice, warm, rainy night here too. No better place for the the boys and me to be than at a high school football game. I just wish it were colder. Looking forward to next Friday night now. It may be the last one until next year.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Thanks guys. W feels a little better this morning. She will accompany us to the college game today. It's her favorite team anyway. Gonna be a great day out with the family. Just hoping we can all stay dry.
T2-My W was definitely Uber Mom. This has been the biggest transition for all 3 of us boys in the house. I'm doing everything at this point. All laundry, all dishes, all cooking, signing all papers for school, etc. The good nights and tuck ins just stopped the past couple of nights. Just another transition for me and the boys.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Be very careful with 'doing everything' around the house. It can be perceived as weakness and being willing to do whatever it takes to win her over. Not attractive.
I'm a fan of continuing the old roles and chores. If she did the dishes before, let her do them now. If you took out the trash and did the yard, keep doing them. Not a fan of the lbs taking over and completely enabling them to he lazy and have no purpose. I don't believe you are doing her any favors when you do that because having no purpose helps depression stay right where it is.
Even though we may feel like we would do anything for our running wife, you cannot and should not let her feel that! Its counteintuitive but so is everything happening in your life.
Stepping up and doing everything would be for BEFORE the bomb. For a man trying to make sure his unfulfilled wife doesn't go outside the marriage. After this has already happened, it is time for being loving but also firm and showing self respect.
She has most likely lost some respect for you as head of household, and jumping through hoops for her will make it worse.
Just my opinion.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
Hey J, some good advice there. Just wanted to tell you a little bit about depression as I suffered from it.
First of all, it is at the root of a MLC, in my opinion. She is struggling to get through each day. It takes enormous energy. More than she has to give right now. It is as if she is swimming through mud.
She is attached to her phone because that gives her a reprieve from having to deal with her crisis. She doesnt have to think if she can concentrate on that.
I know it is hard for you to grasp that this is who she is right now. But the sooner you do, the better off you will be. Accept what is, with the knowledge that it wont always be that way.
When you do that, you let go and detach. Thats where you need to get to.
You have been giving a wonderful gift here. You get to show your children how to navigate through life's tough stuff with dignity and courage and compassion. Show them well.
They are always watching and they feed off of your actions and words.
Be very careful not to let them feel how disappointed you are in her. She is their mom.
Lovingly let her go. Do not allow her words or actions affect yours. Each day you be the man you want to be regardless of who she is at the moment.
