Cathy..you are getting such good words of support...I don't know if you were on my post or not..but my h wants to work on oour m..
I won't steal your thread with long details..but will say that he describes the journey he has been on as a fast moving train that he could not get off of..and that moving out, avoiding me..wanting a d, not facing all that has happened, were all easier then getting off the train and facing them..but with time(he has been gone almost a 1 1/2 years..but the m was gone a good 2 years before)space, patience, getting myself put together and most of all prayer...he has gottten off and wants to go forward with life and the m.
Take care of you right now..cause there is nothing you can say or do to change what your h is feeling..it is about him...something I have struggled with...wondering what I done wrong.
Look at the positives that are around you...and they are there..and move forward. Find the resources you need to help you...
H called my on my cellphone and asked if I was picking up S, asked where I was and I told him. I was closer as H was just leaving his jobsite. H asked if we were taking S with to taxman. I said yes, it didn't take that long. H asked if it was snowing where I was I said not yet, H said it was over by him. We're in the same city but H works on the west side and we live on the northeast side.
I didn't ask H where he was the night before, I thought I'd let him offer where he was which H didn't and that was okay.
We worked on our taxes, went to have pizza and then to the taxman. We're getting some "good ching" back. H said that I could have it all. I said no he should use it for his hunting trip to Canada--his whitetail hunt which is very expensive. H said that I could have it. We did go back and forth. I told H he should buy the gun safe that he's been wanting to get and we do need to lock up H's guns. They are not at this point! H didn't really respond. H had his poker face on most of the night..which isn't unusual.
We did have some eye contact at one point while eating, I just smiled. H said something about "having to make a decision" why does he have to...I didn't respond. I knew what he meant.
We talked about weekend plans. H is staying over at his parents Saturday night and going to a party, casino night. H told me where he was going, I said I'd like to go as my gf usually goes, I called her quick and she said she was in a pool tournament and didn't know if she'd be going. If I do go and stay over, I'd have to find someone to watch S and at this point don't know of anyone. I asked H if he cared if I went, he said no. H never told me this is why he was staying over night at his parents. I knew he was, but in the back of my mind, Wednesday night when he didn't come home, I thought he was just using it as an excuse to stay with OW!
Tonight H is going to hockey game with his friends, his drinking buddies. I will ask H if he is coming home tonight.
Otherwise last night was a good night. I don't know if it's becuase H had is OW fix or why we had a good night. When H went to bed I did go to his room, thought I'd see if he was interested in and he wasn't. I was kind of embarrased and came back up and got in bed. I laid and thought about the feeling and it was an old feeling, I disassociated the feeling with what had just happened with H. It's the feeling of not being good enough, my low self esteem feeling, my beat myself up for doing that,...but I didn't last night. It's an old feeling that goes back to my childhood to my high school days and not valid today, some 25 years later. So I took the feeling and separated it from what had just happened with H and I dealt with it for what it was..rejection, H wanting his space and not being interested and it was okay. And I'm okay, too!!
H was digging through my purse at one point and I asked him what he was looking for and he said my cell phone. I think he wanted to plug it in for me. Big deal you may be saying, but it was a babystep. We only have one charger and H hasn't plugged it in for awhile.
This is H's journey, nothing I say or do to push him will make any difference. H is just waiting for me to give him the boot. As Vinlad keeps telling me H has to make this decision on his own and I will let him.
H is doing a lot of thinking, now is my time to db, to show H that I am different that the changes are for real. I know that they are which is maybe a little more important and if H can't see that they are real that's okay too.
And silence was observed most of the evening!
For all the turmoil in my morning, the evening turned out great.
Oops back again, but I was at Hoping's previous Thread and found this from Vinlad and it brought tears to my eyes.
Quote: Sue,
Here is another good scripture too. Proverbs 16:9 In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. Proverbs 19:21 Many are the plans in mans heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.
Remember, he can say what he wants, but the Lord can still change his heart. Laurie
Up until yesterday I've been doing a lot of praying for ME. And then Laurie said to pray for my H and it was like a light bulb came on. If praying can bring ME peace, then why not pray for H and my S! I've been so selfish. Prayer is very powerful and if my H doesn't know that yet then I will help my H. I'm really not explaining this very well, but it's my enlightnment about praying--for other people.
H is now residing in the lower level (LL) of our house. H is going out to a hockey game with and his friends. Which is fine. I'm getting tickets for them all.
Do I:
a. Ask H if he will be home tonight as he's leaving b. As there more than likely will be heavy drinking involved since these are his drinking buddies, do I let H know that he can call me if he needs a ride home? Or is this enabling? I've never offered in the past.
I'm ASSuming from bits and pieces that H tells me that OW does do this for H, drives him when he's drank too much. I'm thinking she might do this to ensure H does got her place. The night H came home, H told me that she offered to drive him home as he had been drinking and H said that he was driving himself tonight--to ME. I'm ASSuming that OW might show her face at the bar and if H is drinking will insist she drive him home..to her place.
It's occurring to me know that when H is drinking and OW isn't invited, she does show up and drive my H around or back to her place.
Or, do I just say to H "have a great time and be safe" as he's leaving? It is journey right, maybe I'm just obsessing too much about the whole thing.
Have you read "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian? She also has a workbook and prayer cards to pray for your H. I think they're lovely and I keep them on my desk when I'm feeling frustrated... and always feel better after I grab a few.
Just a thought if you wanted something to help you figure out things to pray for your H.
Hugs,
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Again, you handled this with grace and love. Your so awesome!!!
As far as your options...JMHO....
Option A: No, seems like pursuing. Maybe a combination of wishing him well and Ya know that I am avalable if you ever need a ride. Too much might be like mothering, but Gosh he has a Son for crying out loud. He should be thinking more about his safety and the safety of others.
Quote: Have you read "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian?
I got this book as a Christmas gift from my SIL. I started reading it last month. It's wonderful. I've always prayed to keep my family/friends safe, for them to be ok, for a special thing in their lives, etc...but I don't know think I ever really knew HOW to pray for them. I started this book and it became clear to me HOW I should pray for them. It's a great book.
You can pray for different areas of your H's life all at the same time, choose a particular area or say a prayer-a-day. There's also a prayer for yourself....asking God to help you be a better person and wife. I read this one everyday. I believe it falls within the DB principles of working on yourself.
Anyway, please look into it; I think it will help.
UD and Minnie - I will have to find the book it sounds like something I need. I am reading the Power of Now and that to is a great book!
I was raised Catholic and as a Catholic praying is very much a part of that religion. Except my idea of praying was getting on my knees at night and saying "god bless mom, dad, and so on" saying the WORDS. It is praying, but they were just words and nothing else. In the last few months praying has taken on a whole new meaning. Now when I pray, I don't get on my knees--which is okay I think. Now I close my eyes and there is this presence that I feel, I can't describe it but it is very real.
Water - H and his drinking...well I don't like it and to be honest I'm more worried more about the other people out there driving around than I am worried about my H. If H hits a tree, goes into the ditch, gets a DUI then it's his problem. But it's those innocent victims that I worry about more...more than if my H should crash and do himself harm.
Vinlad - thank you. My H's journey is his own, his decisions are his own. I'm learning, I am on my own journey, and it will be good no matter where I end up.
And, as far as tonight, I will not pursue H other than to say good bye, have a nice time.
I did talk to H today and he wanted to know if I was going tomorrow night. I said probably not I can't find anyone to watch S. It's H's hometown/family and I really don't feel comfortable asking anymore. BUT, H offered to find someone to watch our S so that I could go with him tomorrow night... . So we'll see, if I can't go that would be okay, too.
H's cousin died last week so we have funeral to go to on Sunday. H was going to go on his own. I told H that I would like to go, H wanted to know why since I didn't know his cousin. I said it's your family and sometimes you do things for that reason.
H didn't really respond. H had his poker face on most of the night..which isn't unusual.
and he wasn't. I was kind of embarrased and came back up and got in bed. I laid and thought about the feeling and it was an old feeling, I disassociated the feeling with what had just happened with H. It's the feeling of not being good enough, my low self esteem feeling, my beat myself up for doing that,...but I didn't last night. It's an old feeling that goes back to my childhood to my high school days and not valid today, some 25 years later. So I took the feeling and separated it from what had just happened with H and I dealt with it for what it was..rejection, H wanting his space and not being interested and it was okay. And I'm okay, too!! 
. So we'll see, if I can't go that would be okay, too.