Sue, Water..thank you.

H called my on my cellphone and asked if I was picking up S, asked where I was and I told him. I was closer as H was just leaving his jobsite. H asked if we were taking S with to taxman. I said yes, it didn't take that long. H asked if it was snowing where I was I said not yet, H said it was over by him. We're in the same city but H works on the west side and we live on the northeast side.

I didn't ask H where he was the night before, I thought I'd let him offer where he was which H didn't and that was okay.

We worked on our taxes, went to have pizza and then to the taxman. We're getting some "good ching" back. H said that I could have it all. I said no he should use it for his hunting trip to Canada--his whitetail hunt which is very expensive. H said that I could have it. We did go back and forth. I told H he should buy the gun safe that he's been wanting to get and we do need to lock up H's guns. They are not at this point! H didn't really respond. H had his poker face on most of the night..which isn't unusual.

We did have some eye contact at one point while eating, I just smiled. H said something about "having to make a decision" why does he have to...I didn't respond. I knew what he meant.

We talked about weekend plans. H is staying over at his parents Saturday night and going to a party, casino night. H told me where he was going, I said I'd like to go as my gf usually goes, I called her quick and she said she was in a pool tournament and didn't know if she'd be going. If I do go and stay over, I'd have to find someone to watch S and at this point don't know of anyone. I asked H if he cared if I went, he said no. H never told me this is why he was staying over night at his parents. I knew he was, but in the back of my mind, Wednesday night when he didn't come home, I thought he was just using it as an excuse to stay with OW!

Tonight H is going to hockey game with his friends, his drinking buddies. I will ask H if he is coming home tonight.

Otherwise last night was a good night. I don't know if it's becuase H had is OW fix or why we had a good night. When H went to bed I did go to his room, thought I'd see if he was interested in and he wasn't. I was kind of embarrased and came back up and got in bed. I laid and thought about the feeling and it was an old feeling, I disassociated the feeling with what had just happened with H. It's the feeling of not being good enough, my low self esteem feeling, my beat myself up for doing that,...but I didn't last night. It's an old feeling that goes back to my childhood to my high school days and not valid today, some 25 years later. So I took the feeling and separated it from what had just happened with H and I dealt with it for what it was..rejection, H wanting his space and not being interested and it was okay. And I'm okay, too!!

H was digging through my purse at one point and I asked him what he was looking for and he said my cell phone. I think he wanted to plug it in for me. Big deal you may be saying, but it was a babystep. We only have one charger and H hasn't plugged it in for awhile.

This is H's journey, nothing I say or do to push him will make any difference. H is just waiting for me to give him the boot. As Vinlad keeps telling me H has to make this decision on his own and I will let him.

H is doing a lot of thinking, now is my time to db, to show H that I am different that the changes are for real. I know that they are which is maybe a little more important and if H can't see that they are real that's okay too.

And silence was observed most of the evening!

For all the turmoil in my morning, the evening turned out great.

Cathy