I have read your posts and all though I am not sure I understand the last one from DBmod I will try to give you my perspective!
Originally Posted By: Fitz
This gets exhausting, I don't know how some of you folks have done this for so long..
I have been here for almost 9 months and you will find people that have been in here for years. It all comes down to a few things: How dedicated are you and do you have the stamina this craves. (If you catch up on Labug you will discover that she just started dating her H after 2½ year)
We normally tell newcomers that this is a marathon and not a sprint. If you choose to do this you are in for the long haul. Few sitches are solved in less than a year! Read that again and try to take it in! A YEAR! You seem to have a very amicable W and that might confuse you. I write this out of extensive personal experience since I lived with a very amicable WAW for 5 months before she moved. Amicable doesn’t by rule mean in doubt! An amicable WAW can be just as determined as an angry WAW – don’t let it fool you! You have to realize that your actions from now on should be turned toward the fact that she will move. If she don’t then great but she properly will! This doesn’t mean that your M can’t be saved! Lots of Ms are saved even after the D-papers are signed!
You have to realize that if you choose this road you will be given advice that seems totally ridiculous to you since DB is counterintuitive but know that the people in here wants your best and even though they don’t know you – they care! They want to help you save your M. The advice given should be followed but it is your call, your decision and your responsibility.
I think I get it now. She pretty much wants out of this marriage but it seems like she is trying to let me down easy.
Perhaps and perhaps not! The important part of this sentence is you thinking about WHY she wants out! We talk a lot about 180s in here. A 180 is in short a turn in actions. If you normally do A then you start doing B. It is of outmost importance that this is not acted – you need to feel that the change is good at that the change is something you will live for the rest of your life! That feeling might change but when you start 180 you need it otherwise it will come out false and your W will see right through it. If you can think of some reasons she wants to leave and you can 180 them then do it.
Originally Posted By: Fitz
Do I just let her go and hope that one day she can see change in me and come back?
Unfortunately the answer to this one is YES. You have to let her go! You don’t stand in her way but neither do you help her! If she wants to move – she moves! If she doesn’t want to share bed – she leaves the bedroom and so on! Don’t argue and don’t help! See the point is that you can’t argue with a WAS since they act on feelings! Feelings can’t be argued! You have properly known somebody in love but have you ever convinced a person in love that they shouldn’t be? Properly not and this is the same! The WAS has to learn this by themselves and from experience. Therefore you DON’T argue but you show by actions that their decision is wrong. Since this is the way about all of this it takes time – a lot of time! It is often told that this is the hardest thing you will ever do – I believe this to be true!
Start educating yourselves by reading books. You will properly feel like starting out with books about marriage, partners, attraction and so on but since this is all about you do try to mix in a few books about personal development.
Originally Posted By: Fitz
Every time that I try to talk to her it turns into an argument with her becoming more and more convincing that she wants to leave.
I couldn’t have worded this better! Every time you make her state that’s she wants out the feeling sinks one level deeper into her! That’s why pursuing and pleading is a no-go! Stop it and do stop it for good! She will have to initiate the next talk about your M!
Originally Posted By: Fitz
What advice would you give me at this point? Are the chances of her not actually moving? Do I just let her go and hope that one day she can se change in me and come back? I could use some help here, this totally stinks and is exhausting!!
I hope the above set you off. Realize that I am not a VET and hopefully they will look by you! Chance is always there, but don’t count on it. She will properly move out but that doesn’t mean M can be saved!
I know this stinks, exhausts and hurts – trust me, I know! It will get better and easier as time passes and trust me once again when I tell you that this can be salvaged. I see hope I your situation! You have to do the same!
Start working the above right away, and then start working YOU!
Exercise and eat. This will help you feeling better and properly also your sleep Change your looks! New clothing, new haircut, new fragrance and so on.
The two above are quite easy – here is the hard ones: GAL (GET A LIFE): This doesn’t mean hanging out at bars! It means meet new people, take on a new hobby, do volunteer work – do things you would like to do! FOCUS ON YOU: Your W is properly around 99% of your brain now but the case is that all this should be put in to you. This doesn’t make sense right now but see it this way. You are properly not the guy that your W fell in love with. Something changed. You can’t change your W but you can certainly change you. You do NOT change you by looking at W – makes sense? The big question is thereby: Who and how do you want to be? Find out and make it happen! ACT-AS-IF: Act as if you are all right! Nobody wants to be around a sad, whining, crying, pleading person. So act as if you are all right!! STUDY: Read books and read all you can in here – find the time to educate you on the WAW. Google it as well.
You will also meet the word detachment in here. I had a hard time understanding this but here is the best I have read:
Don’t let her emotions rule your emotions!!!! You are the HAPPY guy from now on! If you were single and wanted to attract a lady – who would you be?
Detachment takes time but I do hope the above gives you the picture. You detach from her feelings!
Remember NEVER to discuss this with W. If she ask about a new shirt then just say “Well, I thought it was nice” – never ever talk about DBing, DR or anything! Read Sandis rules twice every day!
Feel free to post further questions and keep posting!
All the best!
F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
