Where am I at pt 2

[Icecoldw]

Sandi2, thanks for asking. I'm still recovering from all the 2+4's thrown at me but that's ok because it's really made me think.

I don't know what hurts more, the w telling me she doesn't love me any more or looking in the mirror at the person I've become. I thinks it the person I've become, never realized how much power I gave up and how much I've changed. The power was very gradually over the years and it was done because I was trying to win the w's approval and trying to make her happy, didn't realize I was rewarding bad behavior and causing resentment to build up inside of me. I gave up a lot to be the man I thought she wanted and now here I am broken. That's ok because I know what I need to fix. I quit feeling like the victim because I know I was the one that let it happen.

I realized the reason I got so jealous of the w in August wasn't because of the pic on her phone( that's what I think started this whole mess) that was the trigger, the reason I got so jealous was because she was becoming independent and wasn't there for me, I had made her my emotional center, and not knowing what my needs were or how to express them I felt lost and lonely. This put a lot of stress on her and I came across clingy.

With the w gone, I've been able to sleep better, not waking up at the time I think she should be home and then counting the min until she did. No more snooping, not wondering who she's texting on her phone. I try not to think about where she is or how she's doing, there are times when I do something that triggers a thought about her and I have to change my thoughts. Decided I'm going to paint some of the rooms in the house to change things up, I've gotten use to the pictures(memories) being taken down off of the walls, I just have to get new frames and find pictures that I have to replace the empty walls. I've also started going through my stuff that I've collected over the years and if I haven't used it or need it it's getting thrown out. Just trying to lighten the load.

Just bought a ticket to a concert in dec, one that I've wanted to see for a long time, w never wanted to go or we never had the money. At first I wasn't going to go because I would be going by myself, and I hate that, but I thought about it and decided that would be a

Each day that goes by I feel myself get a little stronger, not get as angry, build my self esteem a little more. I realized that my world is not going to collapse without my w and that I'm still standing. Starting to wonder if maybe my w wasn't the stronger one and realized how bad our m was and took the steps to set us both free so we could heal and maybe find the ones that will make us both happy.