Thank you as I look towards heaven..heavy sigh of relief...I've been waiting for your words of wisdom.
I think Satan is working on me today, saying throw the bum out he's not worth your time. I feel people on the BB (and I'm sorry if it's not true and I am stereotyping/generalizing) can't believe I'm putting up with this kind of treatment and therefore I should say me OR OW!
But I see the light at the end of the tunnel and it's good. I "feel" a better H is on the way once this is all said and done. I DO NOT want to make H's decision either. This past weekend, I told H if he left he shouldn't come back, but that was this weekend. I had just been through one night of hell and couldn't go through another. So H stayed I gathered some strength and then last night. I did handle that better than in the past I was able to go to sleep. If S wouldn't have woken up then I would have slept till the alarm..I hope anyway.
At night is when the fears come out, when things look the worst and when I want to scream and yell becuase I have no control over this situation...only me. And I did calm myself last night, I did relax, I did self-talk it worked. I just need to get better at it, this is where my problem is..the nighttime when H doesn't come home. It always has been. Now I know what my mother went through when I was in high school and stayed out till all hours without a call!!
I can handle all of this during the day, the sitch looks/feels different during the day. The dark is where the fear lies.
So I should continue on as I have been no pressure, lovingly detach, no ultimatums and let H figure this out for himself. Be H's friend as he needs one right now. Patience and more patience. I think "silence" is the most important ingredient right now.
