I was spanked before and hated it. I vowed I'd never do the same to my kids and never have. It doesn't matter how young they are. You're still using physical force to change a negative behavior. Would it help if your boss slapped you for doing a bad job? There's always another way.
The fallacy of your thinking is that "your way is the only way" - since it didn't affect you positively, it cannot affect anyone positively. Maybe you were spanked out of anger, or maybe you were spanked unfairly, or too often, or too forcefully, or maybe it just isn't a punishment you respond well to...I don't know.
What I do think you have done is great! Instead of repeating the cycle of what you deem as bad/poor parenting, you recognized it and put a stop to it. "Not my kids!" you say. And THAT, to anyone who is reading this, is fantastic parenting. Taking what your parents did well and repeating it, and taking what your parents did poorly, and throwing that in the trash. You are a good man for breaking that cycle that too many parents don't break.
People respond differently to different stimuli. What works for one child may not work for another, and that's where the parent has to do the hard work and figure out that a parenting approach not tailored to each individual child is a poor and lazy strategy.
I was spanked, slapped, punched, beaten, whipped, and paddled (there is probably more, I'm just thinking quickly right now and that's what came to mind). Some of that was over the line. Some of that was deserved and got my attention. *I* am not going to throw tools out of my parenting toolbox because my parents misused those tools. I will keep the ones that may be effective when I deem them to be effective and appropriate.
(To reconcile that list of what was done to me and what is currently in my own toolbox, the only one of those I listed that I have used is spanking, and with four children over 12 years, I can count on one hand how often I've spanked any of my daughters.)
And of course, having four girls certainly changes my strategy as my girls grow older.
To answer your question about my boss slapping me: I spent four years in the Marine Corps and had far worse than that done to me early on. In the Corps, physical altercation is embedded in our jobs. It is a part of life, and it should be as we trained for and were at war.
But we aren't talking about jobs, about one adult correcting another adult who has the mental capacity to understand the correction. That is, again, a fallaciously based premise to your argument. You are not your child's boss, you are his or her parent.
You are not equals.
You are not dealing with a rational adult mind capable of understanding the wisdom you are attempting to express. Your parenting techniques should thus evolve accordingly as the child's mental capacity evolves (which it does based on psychological research - I could link, but I believe that's against the rules), but rationalizing with those incapable of understanding the rationale is an exercise in futility.
Unlike you saying "there is always another way", I am saying "sometimes another way isn't the 'best' way", but that's for YOU to decide. I'm not coming down on you for choosing that route, I am not saying you are "wrong" for choosing that route, I'm just saying *I* choose *my* route because I believe it to be the most effective.
I am patient and gentle and kind and loving and self-controlled.
And if ever I am not, I am quick to ask my kids for forgiveness. (I think that's a great example to set: asking your child for forgiveness when you've messed up...raised your voice or lost your temper, as examples. They, in return, become great teachers to ME on how quickly we should forgive others. It shows them I am no hypocrite, that we all make mistakes, that we should ask for forgiveness, and we should be quick to forgive. What GREAT LESSONS out of what otherwise would be a somber situation!)
And there are countless other methods I use to parent and correct and admonish and encourage my children that don't include any sort of physical contact, so I don't want to get caught up in just the physical piece to paint a picture that describes me in an overly-physical way. I can clear my throat at the right time and save myself a 5 minute lecture. I can glare for 5 seconds and say more than a 2 minute speech. I can simply say, "are we using our words to build each other up, or tear each other down?" and they remember all the talks we've had about loving one another, encouraging one another, letting no unwholesome talk come out of our mouths.
Is there another way than a physical tool, as slight as it may be? As you said, "always." I just don't agree that another way is always the most effective way.
You are welcome to disagree with me. We are all entitled to our own opinions.
I would like to reiterate that any form of physical correction is a last resort technique or a response that needs to be remedied immediately. These instances are extremely rare and, based on how my children interact with me physically (hugging, cuddling, kissing, playing) along with how they treat me and trust me with extremely personal information, I am confident they do not walk around in fear of me because I have used physical correction or punishment in the past or they know those tools are in my toolbox.
My children are not abused by "physical violence", and I do not believe they will grow up thinking that they were.
There is a way to balance love and physical correction. And though I take no pleasure in it, I do what I think is best and most effective.
I'm sure you do the same, and I commend you for that.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
