I know that people mean well here, but, I would never tell you to go to an Att. Please DO NOT!
I do agree that your H is testing you. I would also say he DOES want to work on your M, but you are right he is going through all the stages right now. It is very important to listen, validate and be his friend.
This is NOT the time to "show him" that you are controlling him by "showing him" you can ring the bell. Give him space and let him go through this, don't cave in to the emotional rollercoaster by "losing it" right now.
Lets work on showing him that you are one strong lady, he will respect you for it later. You will be ok no matter what happens. And right now with him drinking and doing whatever he is doing (no ASSuming) that he is the one who has to wake up with what he does. Hold your head up and know that you are doing the right thing.
Who said you have to throw in the towel when H behavior crosses the line, heck no!
It takes many steps to get to where you need to be. And I'm proud of you, putting up with your H mess! Someday he will know what a wonderful wife he has! It's coming, don't worry.
What you are saying is making the most sense to me today. Maybe it's just me. I've never held a grudge nor do I want to issue THE FINAL ultimatum. We have a child together and I want H there for that child.
If H can navigate the tunnel, his journey it will be for the better. So I do need to lovingly detach, be his friend.
I have to do what feels best for ME! I want my H to respect me and I think ever so slowly he is.
Cathy
P.S. Do you really think he wants to work on the marriage? When he told me why he came back, to give me a chance to see if he still had feelings for me and then tell me that he doesn't after four weeks? I said "when you moved out and during that time you didn't have feelings for me so they're not going to just come back in four weeks. I thought you came back to work on our marriage." H didn't respond.
I did ask H what his idea of a good marriage was and he was stumped, just gave me this deer in the headlights look. He then asked me the same question and I was kind of stumped, also, didnt' know what to say.
Quote: When we were talking on Saturday H contradicted himself so many times. Would talk about life with OW and then life with me. Like he couldn't decide what he was doing.
I feel so bad for your H. He sounds very confused and sad. He also sounds as if he needs a friend and, in my opinion, AA. I know from personal experience (my brother) that you can't MAKE somebody stop drinking. I also know that what does help is to let them go to make their own mistakes and be there for them when they fall and need your support. We tried for YEARS! to "help" my brother to stop drinking. It never helped. What did help was when I (we) showed him that we loved him no matter what he did/was. I am forever grateful to God because last year, my brother realized that he was a person that is worth loving, that his life means something to someone and he slowly started to get his act together. He has now been sober for about 10-11 months! Anyway, just an example.
Your H is very lucky to have a wife and sons that love him. You are dealing with both MLC and alcoholism, which can by themselves be extremely difficult. I can't even imagine them in combination. Please continue to detach, take care of yourself and your little s4. You are very strong, intelling, and caring.
Quote: I think my new outlook, view of the sitch, is that he is living in our house, apart from me and just take it day to day for now.
I think this is perfect. Sage suggested something along these lines to me when I was (am) fretting about H being in his own apartment.
Slow down here. You are getting scared and the fear is getting in your way of hearing what the Lord is telling you to do. You are trying to come up with so many different ways of how you can jolt him into reality.
Problem is, nothing you say or do is going to affect him in the way that you want, because he is not thinking like he should be.
He is starting to reap what he has sown. The Lord is allowing this to happen in order to teach him a lesson. In order to get him to repent for what he has done and you can not get in the way of this. The Lord is going to continue to dump guilt and shame on your husband until he gets his life right.
You can help your husband out the most by getting on your knees and praying for the Lord to help guide him through. Get back off the rollercoaster and just watch. You may have to stand in front of him and give him an ultimatum and then you may not have to. Only the Lord knows exactly what you are going to have to do and when you are going to have to do it.
Yes, they do go back and visit all of the stages and they have to close the doors on them. So right now, you have to get off of the roller coaster and let him go through this. Have you ever tried to quit a bad habit of your own? Have you ever asked the Lord to help you to stop doing something and you felt the peace from being released by it and then all of a sudden the next day it is thrown in your face?
That is what is happening to your husband. He made a choice to come home and satan is throwing everything at him to make him think that it was the wrong decision. He is throwing temptation in his face, talking in his ear and doing everything that he can to destroy your family. He is putting doubt and fear into you because if he can't get your husband to walk, then he is going to get you to push him out.
I hope that I explain this right and I don't mean to go over your head and I'm sorry if I do, but your fight is not with your husband or the OW. It is with satan and his schemes to destroy both of you. Your husband did the right thing by coming home and he did come home to work on the marriage, but satan is confusing him. He is the author of confusion and he is working on you at the same time. Go and read 1 & 2 Corinthians and 1 & 2 Thessalonians.
You can use any tactic that you want to get him to wake up, but it may not wake him up but push him out the door instead. You have to concentrate on you and pray for the both of you. Your husband is fighting for all he is worth right now to keep from drowning. He is looking to you for the answer, although it is coming out in anger, he is wanting you to make the decision for him. Don't make that decision. It is his alone to make. If you push it either way, then the burden is put on your shoulders and that is not where it belongs. It belongs on his shoulders and the decision belongs on him as well.
Do not try to solve this for him or try to fix it for him. He is like a fish out of water. Gasping for air and trying to get back to where he thinks it is safe. For the first time in his life he is having to face himself and does not like what he is seeing. He is willing to settle for the worst because that is what he thinks he deserves.
Stand firm in what you believe in and hang on because this is going to be a bumpy ride.
Thank you as I look towards heaven..heavy sigh of relief...I've been waiting for your words of wisdom.
I think Satan is working on me today, saying throw the bum out he's not worth your time. I feel people on the BB (and I'm sorry if it's not true and I am stereotyping/generalizing) can't believe I'm putting up with this kind of treatment and therefore I should say me OR OW!
But I see the light at the end of the tunnel and it's good. I "feel" a better H is on the way once this is all said and done. I DO NOT want to make H's decision either. This past weekend, I told H if he left he shouldn't come back, but that was this weekend. I had just been through one night of hell and couldn't go through another. So H stayed I gathered some strength and then last night. I did handle that better than in the past I was able to go to sleep. If S wouldn't have woken up then I would have slept till the alarm..I hope anyway.
At night is when the fears come out, when things look the worst and when I want to scream and yell becuase I have no control over this situation...only me. And I did calm myself last night, I did relax, I did self-talk it worked. I just need to get better at it, this is where my problem is..the nighttime when H doesn't come home. It always has been. Now I know what my mother went through when I was in high school and stayed out till all hours without a call!!
I can handle all of this during the day, the sitch looks/feels different during the day. The dark is where the fear lies.
So I should continue on as I have been no pressure, lovingly detach, no ultimatums and let H figure this out for himself. Be H's friend as he needs one right now. Patience and more patience. I think "silence" is the most important ingredient right now.
I'm sorry if I didn't make myself clear enough. I was in no form suggesting that you initiate any legal process or say you are going to follow through with a FINAL ultimatum and if you re-read my post I would hope that you would see that now.
All I suggested was obtaining a lawyer's business card and placing it where H would see it. The goal being to make him notice and respect your boundaries ... thru the power of suggestion that the card would create ... nothing more was intended.
... but when you state boundaries you set yourself up in running some risk. Either the risk him making a choice of action that is in opposition of the reason for you setting the boundary or that he becomes indiffrent to them because there really will be no consequence to him.
There have been a few times in the last year where I forced myself to hold back from setting such boundries because I felt there was a damn good chance she would use them as an out, so I do understand what a hard position you are in right now, but in no way was I inferring that actually follow thru with the atty.
My H has been divorced twice before and knows the process. I don't want to give H the easy way out of this I can't in anyway make it my decision. Oh I threatened before, but haven't in a very long time. And in the past this is what has gotten H's attention. H isn't going to a lawyer, H isn't strong enough, I haven't been mean enough to make H go to a lawyer.
KAW I know you're struggling too, if you can hold on as long as you have, then I can too.
You make sense, but you have to get a hold of the fear. The reason you don't have it during the day is because you know where he is at. At night you are scared because if he doesn't come home you don't have a clue. All you can do is assume. Another tactic of satans. So therefore, the fear starts to take over and you start assuming all kinds of things. Maybe some are true and some are not. The only one who knows is the Lord.
The most important thing you need to work on now is your relationship with the Lord. Continue giving your husband the space that he needs and the Lord will lead you in what to do. Right now silence and patience are probably the best thing that you can give him because you are causing him to think. HB told me that MLCer's hate to think because it hurts their head.
They need to think in order to make it through this. He is waiting for you to save him and you can not be the one to save him. You are starting to understand more because you are remembering when you were a teenager.
I know what a hard time this is for you. I have been there myself and know what it feels like to not know and I'm still there. I know what the Lord has told me and shown me, but the circumstances do not go along with it.
Be strong because you are getting what I'm telling you. This is still a part of your spiritual journey. You just tapped into it. There is still so much more for you to learn and so much more for you to grow. This is going to help your marriage as well and all your other relationships.
I was in no form suggesting that you initiate any legal process or say you are going to follow through with a FINAL ultimatum and if you re-read my post I would hope that you would see that now.