I've looked at life from both sides now

[Raine]

Hey everyone! Thank you again for all of your posts and insights. Man alive this has been some really helpful stuff for me to go back to over and over again. I’ve been spinning like a top. Thank goodness for this board and the great friends from here to keep me grounded.

People keep saying on my thread and others that when the LBS gets to where I am now, that I just want big, huge, massive steps to get us to the finish line. Uh huh. No. That’s not it. I feel like H and I are taking massive steps and my heart is way back at the top of the hill yelling, “Hold on! What about this? How can you be there, when you never did this?”

Yes, I know. My expectations. My “non-expectations” that even as they are “non-expectations,” there is still the expectation that nothing is going to happen. Because I have “no expectations” that what is happening will actually happen. Clear as mud?

There is no preparing for this. I don’t have a script for this. This is the moment where I can’t fake it. The spotlight is on, and it’s time to show who I really am, where I really stand. Am I really the woman I think I am? Am I really doing all this as a means to an end, or is this really me?

This is me.

I am now ready to admit that major things are happening.

H and I had a conversation. In that conversation he out of the blue acknowledged that he was oblivious to things in the past. He took responsibility for something that he had put on me before. He took responsibility for something that was part of the building of resentment in me because of his self-absorption. And my reaction was to make an excuse for it. “No, it was okay. You were concerned about this and that. I feel bad for my role in it.” And he said “Thanks, but I don’t think of it like that anymore. I was oblivious to a lot that was going on, and I don’t want to get back into feeling that I can be entitled to feel shitty about that stuff.” And I had a “wow,” reaction. I was not expecting that.

He brought it up again later that night. I just thanked him for saying it.

The next night some things happened where I was spinning. He was doing an event where he had invited members from OW1 department to participate. He was telling me all about it, but there felt like there was this major hole in the story. And he also made some jokes that really hit me to the core. And he knew. He knew I went inside myself.

I finally thought, forget this. I am so done with trying to hide what is going on and what I’m feeling because he is in such a delicate state. And so I just came right out and said, “I’m spinning and I need to ask you some things.”

I asked him if OW1 was involved in the event. He said no, she was not invited. And he has not had any communication with her for a very long time. I started asking questions. He admitted to when things started with OW1 and also admitted to #4 by name and timelines. The strange thing was he didn’t admit to the others, denied there was ever more than those two, even though he has said there were others before. And the timelines were off. He made it sound like he never did anything with OW1 until he and I were separated, and that he never did anything with ow4 until he was broken up with ow1. He made it sound like ow1 was a real relationship to him. That he started having deep feelings for her two months before BD. Ow4 was more of a make out buddy.

None of this was all that accurate in reality, but I don’t know if it’s what he wants me to believe, that he was only “committed” with one at a time, that he only did stuff when he felt he had broken it off with me, or if his timelines are so messed up right now he doesn’t really know which way is up? I even said, why don’t you just get it all out? I know you’re not being fully honest.” But he just said that was it, there wasn’t anything more. I stopped asking questions.

He told me he wants me to ask questions. He doesn’t want me spinning. He knows that I am and it makes him want to leave the MBR because he can’t fix it. Not that that he doesn’t want to be there, but he feels like it’s my sanctuary and he is invading it and he is the reason I’m having a hard time, and if he were to leave, I could be at peace. He feels like if he can hold me then I can put it out of my mind and then it’s fine. But it brings him a lot of anxiety and stress. I got the sense that he feels like he really needs me, but at the same time I am better off without him. He said that he is trying so hard. That he is here. He is doing everything he can. But when I’m like that he gets stressed and angry.

He said at BD he felt so much anger towards me. But now he doesn’t know why. It doesn’t make sense to him. He knows how he felt then, but it’s illogical to him. He can’t see why he felt that way. He felt I was controlling and he was taking back control, but there was so much anger there too. He didn’t care if he hurt me. He felt justified in doing everything he did. He doesn't feel that way now, but at the time he did. He said there was no rational reason for him to feel the way he did. He started crying and said all he did was hurt people this last year. He told me he was sorry for hurting me for everything he did.

^^^HE APOLOGIZED^^^

He says he doesn’t want to get back to where he was when this all started, where he could justify his actions. He never wants to be that person again.

I want to get this posted, but I’ll get the rest of what has happened up as soon as I can.