Hi, there is some very good stuff on the internet on dealing with PA behaviour. The divorce support website is helpful, and I must say my xh's behaviour during and post divorce makes him the poster child for this! His behaviour to a T, even to the constantly revisiting the divorce settlement.
I don't know if this would work in your situation, but I don't text my H very much at all. Instead I put reminders on post-it notes on the wall of his office and he can deal with this stuff in his own time. This also puts it on me to post things early and not procrastinate too.
I put the schedule of my and son's events on a post-it on the wall for the coming week and notes like "I put the trash bill on your desk to pay, Due Dec 1."
I know it is hard to "let go" on something like paying the lunch bill. Would your kids get a peanut butter sandwich lunch if they had no money on the account? Maybe in this case it would have been worth letting the consequences play out.
I think there is something of a feeling of "immediate demand" or even "interrupting" when you send a request by text. But if you communicate in something static like a note that is just waiting for them to read and follow through on when they are ready, it seems like less pressure.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
Great thoughts tiger. I like the note idea. Since my H is a little happier than Ang's I can still ask him to do things. But on occasion when he is down in mlcdumps, I leave notes too. Seems to be less of a demand that way, like you said. Gives their man brain time to think on it and not feel you are pushing, just informing.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
is there any way you can remove him from the equation of asking him to do things? can you pay the lunch bill? can you schedule their haircuts?
I'm sure he would get mad at you for doing this too, but it would be a bit less stressful to just do it instead of asking for him to.
Remember his words right now do not have anything to do with you, he is dealing some severe anger issues inside and is pinning it on you.
Stay strong today Angela. No texty! No texty!
Yeah, Pud. I can do more of this stuff myself. He's complained that I don't include him enough on this stuff so I've been trying to include him.
Plus, right now, I am paying for everything...while he blows his money on whatever he wants. The kids' needs are the only way that I can get him to pay for anything.
He already pretty much does NOTHING....I pay all bills...take care of everything.....mow yard, take care of vehicles, etc. but like you said, if it means more peace and less stress...then I can take on more of this stuff.
I don't know if this would work in your situation, but I don't text my H very much at all. Instead I put reminders on post-it notes on the wall of his office and he can deal with this stuff in his own time. This also puts it on me to post things early and not procrastinate too.
I put the schedule of my and son's events on a post-it on the wall for the coming week and notes like "I put the trash bill on your desk to pay, Due Dec 1."
I know it is hard to "let go" on something like paying the lunch bill. Would your kids get a peanut butter sandwich lunch if they had no money on the account? Maybe in this case it would have been worth letting the consequences play out.
I think there is something of a feeling of "immediate demand" or even "interrupting" when you send a request by text. But if you communicate in something static like a note that is just waiting for them to read and follow through on when they are ready, it seems like less pressure.
Good idea, Tiger, on the notes. For awhile, he was MIA...hardly ever showing up at home so notes didn't work...but here lately, he comes home everyday to sleep so notes would work again.
I also keep a family calendar in our kitchen and make sure to put all family events on there so he can just look there to see what's coming up instead of having to contact me. That helps some.
I guess I should let him "fall on his face" more....like with the lunch bill. Yes, our school would have fed the kids sandwiches...and that would have been okay. I just don't want our kids to have to pay for him being selfish.
He got paid today...and he needs to pay for their bill. I pay for everything else, literally! Usually, he is ok with it...but guess he had a bad night at work OR has another woman and is having issues with her....don't know...but it was nice to realize that his bad attitude today had NOTHING to do with me. So, I let it go.
Angela, he is obviously having some bad time right now. No matter what you do or how you ask, he is going to find something wrong with everything because he is very angry. I know from personal experience. I had this intense anger episode just a few days ago. I had this urge to make nasty comments, send sarcastic and hateful messages, etc. I managed to not go there, because I knew I would regret it later. All I wanted was for everybody to leave me alone, and it didn’t matter if people were trying to be nice and understanding, I was still angry.
I know how difficult it is for you to communicate with your H in moments like that. All you have to remember that it is not about you, or kids. You are doing the right thing to let it go.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
"I guess I should let him "fall on his face" more....like with the lunch bill. Yes, our school would have fed the kids sandwiches...and that would have been okay. I just don't want our kids to have to pay for him being selfish."
This is something I think all women need to do with their Hs Ang, not just those in MLCs. My first marriage counselor (not a DB coach) said that men need to feel respected above all else. That they do not like women to tell them what to do, and they do not want to be fixed or coddled. I have been a great coddler and fixer in my marriage
I changed my H's name in my cell phone from "H" to "H - is this text necessary?" It makes me think a second before texting him!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
RosaLinda: I did what you did and changed my H's name to "H-is this text necessary?" and IT WORKED! Lol. What a great way to see that reminder every time he texts me and to think, "do I really need to answer this....is my text to him really necessary? ______________________________________________________________________ UPDATE
Saw my counselor for the first time! Yay! Will update in another post about that.....lots of good stuff.
Friday night the kids and I went out of town to a freezing cold play off game. It was fun, though.
Saturday, my boys had haircuts that I was supposed to get them to while H did some other errands out of town.
H was acting "weird"...more like his old self. He texted to make sure I was up and getting the kids ready....then, he texted to see how the weather was, etc. He kept texting me random stuff from work.
He asked if I was ignoring him b/c I wasn't answering back every time. He ended up ditching his errands and meeting me at the hair salon to "hang out" and so he could "take us all out to eat".
The lady who cuts the boys' and H's hair has been a family friend for 14+ years...and her husband cheated on her a couple of years ago (she is still with him...trying to make things work). She is also my running/walking buddy...so she knows about the problems in my M.
Anyway, she and H somehow started talking about our marital stuff while I was out of the room when Thanksgiving plans came up...and when I walked back in, they kept talking. She meant well, was trying to convince H that divorce isn't the answer...that is isn't worth it. She was talking about affairs from the betrayed person's perspective, etc. H was actually being pretty open and listening and talking to her and me about stuff. At one point, she asked him if he still loved me and he said, "you really don't want to know the answer to that."
I was wondering why he was being so talkative about it (REALLY out of character) and I was wondering how to end the convo because I was afraid H would get upset and take it out on me later. Plus, the whole thing was just weird.
Anyway, he did end up feeling kinda pressured at the end of the conversation...and got mad at me about a comment I made. So, he decided that he didn't want go eat. Then, in typical MLCer fashion, he changed his mind and did want to go eat.
We went and ate....spent day together with kids. H was VERY talkative and laughing and joking. Even the kids noticed that he was in a really good mood. After we got home, we were napping and he gathered me up in a hug and said, "I do love you, baby." HUH?
I kept telling myself, “do NOT get excited about this….NO expectations!” Ugh, I am SO confused. He tells our friend that he isn't in love with me anymore...but goes home and tells me he is.
Sunday, we had a nice lunch made with his holiday turkey from work…the kids set the table all fancy…H really enjoyed the whole thing….kept telling the kids how awesome it all was.
He and I flirted and joked…everything was going well.
Then, without warning, he started getting ready to leave to go watch football at “Julio’s” (his friend). I got upset because he’d led me to believe that he was staying home all day. I knew I was not DBing very well…so as he left, I tried to just be nice.
He texted me “Goodnight” late last night…and checked on me this morning.
