How do you get to a point of detaching? Does it just take time? Should I be detaching? Is that part of LRT?
With the two of you living together detachment is extremely difficult. I know I couldn't have done it while my W was still at home. I've read many sitches and I really can't remember one where the WAS was still under the same roof and the LBS was what I would call "detached". It takes separation and it takes time. How much time varies from person-to-person, but GAL'ing definitely speeds the process up.
Originally Posted By: melissag
AS . . . I can't really imagine a world where I am detached yet still want to R with my H. I guess because in my mind, as long as I love him and care about him, the things he says and does will affect me.
Detachment doesn't mean giving up hope or your love for your spouse, I guess the way I would put it is that you accept your marriage is dead and gone and you move on. But you still hope that some day you might be able to attract your spouse back and create a NEW marriage with them.
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If you are able to see your W's OM, shake his hand, and have it affect you not one bit, doesn't that mean you are over it?
Over the M? Yes, for me that's what it took to get there. I still love W, but I'm not "in love" with her anymore. After BD we tend to glorify the WAS and put them on a pedestal. We remember nothing but good things about them. But over time we start remembering that they had faults in the M too. Most of them quit loving us years before BD, and if we remember how they treated us before BD we'll realize they were a pretty crappy spouse too. Here's the question I asked myself- do I really want to go back to that? Married to a W that barely talks to me, just tolerates sex, takes hours or even a day to reply to texts and emails? No, I don't. I would not go back to my pre-BD marriage. Would I go back to a new, more loving M? I don't know the answer to that, but I do know that I am willing to try to reconcile. IE, I would be willing to date her and go to MC with her IF she were willing too.
