Did a good job last night of detaching. We both hung out with S and then did our own thing. No talk. This morning he got S ready for school. I did an exercise video and H went to his basement cave.
Last night H feel asleep on sofa. I came out to turn off lights and saw that he had 4 new texts from OW. I didn't look. Heart is already broken so what is the point other than to make him mad.
Having a private pity party right now. It is so hard to appear happy or content. I know it is my choice to wait and see with this A. I am just still holding onto hope that he will notice that this house is no longer the hell he saw it to be and want to give our M another chance.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
My therapist says I am focusing on the wrong thing. That I can't separate the A from his alcoholism. To me the alcoholism is a disease (I finally admit this) that he cannot control and I cannot help him with until he is ready. His drinking is not a reflection of me.
The A on the other hand was a choice. He chose to give himself to someone else rather than be with me and work on rebuilding our family. Every day he continues to make that choice. The sick thing is that I keep telling myself that she is a bad person because anyone who would break up a family has to be. Why would H want to be with a bad person. Well H is willing to break up our family and I still want to be with him. What does that say about me.
Anyway I am still working on the things that I contributed to M problems. The biggest is my need to control everything. To know what is going to happen 10 steps ahead and to focus on the what ifs.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
I'm not sure you know what detachment is, because this...
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Having a private pity party right now. It is so hard to appear happy or content.
... is NOT detached. If your H gets a text from OW and it sends you into a tailspin, it is a good indication that you are not detached. When you become detached that stuff will not phase you. That's the whole point of detachment- that you separate from your H's roller coaster to the point that your emotions are unaffected by anything he says or does. You leave him to his mess and you get on with living your life and making yourself the best possible person you can be.
As a sidenote I frequently see people say "I was detached yesterday and then my spouse did XYZ and now I'm really upset". They never were detached, not yesterday, not today. If you're having an OK day just because you haven't talked to your spouse or because they haven't pushed your buttons, well that's not detached, that's just riding the flat portion of track on their roller coaster before the next rise or fall. When you can go MONTHS without being upset by your spouse even though they're still cycling, THEN you are detached. It's not a one or two day thing.
I'll give you some examples of my detachment- once I took the kids to a flea market thing and it turned out W was there too, we went to meet her and there was OM. I said hello to him and shook his hand and we went about our shopping. I wasn't mad, upset, freaking out, etc. Another time I went by W's house to pick up one of the kids and OM's great dane was there. No biggie, I picked up S and left. Early on these things would have triggered a horrible reaction, I probably would have gone home and cried. But once I reached detachment that kind of stuff had (and has) zero impact on me. I think it's LABug that has says your reaction should be nothing more than "isn't that interesting" and then you dismiss it.
AS . . . I can't really imagine a world where I am detached yet still want to R with my H. I guess because in my mind, as long as I love him and care about him, the things he says and does will affect me. If you are able to see your W's OM, shake his hand, and have it affect you not one bit, doesn't that mean you are over it?
Help me with the distinction. I suspect it has less to do with not caring and more to do with somehow separating the WAS's actions (in their current fog, delusion, or what have you) from your feelings for WAS?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
How do you get to a point of detaching? Does it just take time? Should I be detaching? Is that part of LRT?
With the two of you living together detachment is extremely difficult. I know I couldn't have done it while my W was still at home. I've read many sitches and I really can't remember one where the WAS was still under the same roof and the LBS was what I would call "detached". It takes separation and it takes time. How much time varies from person-to-person, but GAL'ing definitely speeds the process up.
Originally Posted By: melissag
AS . . . I can't really imagine a world where I am detached yet still want to R with my H. I guess because in my mind, as long as I love him and care about him, the things he says and does will affect me.
Detachment doesn't mean giving up hope or your love for your spouse, I guess the way I would put it is that you accept your marriage is dead and gone and you move on. But you still hope that some day you might be able to attract your spouse back and create a NEW marriage with them.
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If you are able to see your W's OM, shake his hand, and have it affect you not one bit, doesn't that mean you are over it?
Over the M? Yes, for me that's what it took to get there. I still love W, but I'm not "in love" with her anymore. After BD we tend to glorify the WAS and put them on a pedestal. We remember nothing but good things about them. But over time we start remembering that they had faults in the M too. Most of them quit loving us years before BD, and if we remember how they treated us before BD we'll realize they were a pretty crappy spouse too. Here's the question I asked myself- do I really want to go back to that? Married to a W that barely talks to me, just tolerates sex, takes hours or even a day to reply to texts and emails? No, I don't. I would not go back to my pre-BD marriage. Would I go back to a new, more loving M? I don't know the answer to that, but I do know that I am willing to try to reconcile. IE, I would be willing to date her and go to MC with her IF she were willing too.
With all you've been through, it sounds as if you are still motivated to work on your relationship. That is very positive and the kind of determination that usually brings success. Since you bring up the idea of dating and MC I suggest that you first consider Divorce Busting telephone coaching. Our coaches are highly trained professionals in realtionship building and problem solving. We believe that you can "... divorce the old marriage and begin a new new one with the same partner". Please call for more information about Divorce Busting Telephone Coaches at: 303-444-7004.
Roberta, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 Roberta@divorcebusting.com
I blew it. I walked outside and H was sitting in van watching something on his phone and crying. He turned it so I could see and we watched a video about a baby in the Nicu. He was bawling and I assumed he was thinking about the many months our son spent in Nicu. Without thinking I reached out to comfort him and he pulled away and then used the opportunity to berate me again about how much I changed after S was born and I made S my whole life and didn't give a **** about H. I told him I realize now that I did change and I was sorry I made him feel like I didn't care about him. (I don't know if that is validating or even if I should have been validating)
Now he is just angry and bitter again.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
I think most would say you did the right thing. You owned your mistake. You did well.
The only thing that could have been better maybe was to validate without necessarily saying it was true...
So instead of 'I'm sorry I changed after son was born' becomes....
'I'm sorry you FELT like I changed after son was born'.
Don't worry his anger will subside. You did well to not fight his perception of what happened. You removed the obstacle which is you....
Now just allow time to take care of his anger.
Take care of yourself.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
