"You're My Best Friend"

[uRworthy]

RH, I hope you know how much I like you and respect you. And I do not in anyway want to offend you.

But it is because of how fond I am of you that I feel that I want to say a few things, if I may.

While I understand that your relationship is still very delicate, I dont want to see you lose you, ya know?

My goal with H right now is to just let him be who he wants to be. To love him.. To respect him and support his goals and dreams.

I would like to see this ^^^ be your goal for you, too. Be you, RH. Be who you want to be. Let him fall in love with her. Because I think she is pretty amazing.

I think you might want to practice the part of detaching that involves not allowing his actions and words to affect yours.

You are so tentative around him. I get that you dont want to rock the boat, but, you gotta get in the boat. You gotta take a trip in the boat.

I know you are worn out for the last few years. It is ok to take care of you. It is ok to let him see confidence and that you are living your life, too.

I wouldnt bring a balloon. A bottle of wine is always good. And be you, RH.

I hope that you take this post in the manner in which it was intended. And that is because I care.

[reachingHigher]

Oh uRw, it is. It is taken in the right way. I am so glad you said what you did!

It's response of what I wanted and needed. I just actually expected some response in that I was waiting to be asked to the birthday party and didnt go to the concert instead. The truth is, I really did want to be invited to the birthday party...altho I don't really know why. I don't really have anything in common with any of H's friends!

I told H recently that in December, I wanted to go to a dinner theater that is an hour from our house. They are having a Christmas comedy and it would be fun to go with another couple. So he asked two guys from work if they want to go with us and bring their wives! That is something I would much more enjoy! I hope at least one couple goes with us.

Back to me. I'm really perplexed about what to do about me. The family reunion we had in September, (with the 3 sisters and dad) really uncovered some serious issues from my past. My sisters all deal with it in different ways--they are using anger, obesity and EFT. My way is avoidance.

I've brought it up with our C and she said to focus on positive memories of any kind from my past. I've been trying but feel in such a slump. I feel my self-confidence has taken such a beating. I felt much, much stronger last year when ready to go through a D! Now, it's much more difficult.

And my three boys (H, and S20 and S14) all like to have me stay in the role of homemaker.

So....back to your response...I'm not really sure who I am or want to be.

Maybe I should start there?

Instead of a "to do" list ... a "to be" list?
Who I want to be and what my dreams are?

I read a lot of stuff on this forum sometimes and a lot of it goes over my head! I'm not such a deep thinker or analyzer. Really. But I see what you're saying uRw. I see its a problem. And I really want I make a change here. B/c otherwise, I'll just end up being a caretaker for the rest of my life and I feel I have more in life I want to do than that!

[tigerlily78]

I can relate to what you feel about being a "caretaker." I know that is the role I have clearly most identified with while my son has been growing up and I have probably done so much caretaking on my H's account that I undermined his ability to care for himself or be self sufficient in doing a lot of normal adult things.

I am starting to see that it's always important to CARE, but in a way it's almost better as a caretaker to teach and enable the people in your life to be able to care for themselves and contribute too. If you don't you may actually be robbing them of important lessons in self sufficiency, responsibility, and purpose. I can also see how some of my failure to be as attentive as a W as my H wanted was because I was carrying to much of the burden of the household stuff and parent stuff that I didn't have the time and energy to be a stellar, sexy wife sometimes.

So maybe think of seeing how it works to dial back being the caretaker, and instead become a care-teacher. Ask them to chip in more, teach them how to do what you do, and I bet in doing so they will also begin to gain a lot more appreciation for the job you DID do for all those years. But also of course be prepared that their way of doing things may not always measure up to your standards, and THAT is okay too.

I was always terrible before about not requiring my son to have chores and making him all his meals, etc. Since I gave him "the talk" about my H's MLC and told him I was going to need him to step up and help me out in this difficult transition, he has really blossomed into taking responsibility.

[uRworthy]

I just actually expected some response in that I was waiting to be asked to the birthday party and didnt go to the concert instead. The truth is, I really did want to be invited to the birthday party...altho I don't really know why. I don't really have anything in common with any of H's friends!

I think you could have either asked him if you were invited or made the other plans, right? I mean, you dont have to go to everything with him. Especially if you dont really want to go. You have a right to do what you want too.

My way is avoidance.

Yea, thats a bandaid to get you through, but, the cut is still festering underneath.

I've brought it up with our C and she said to focus on positive memories of any kind from my past.

Hmmm, might be time to talk to someone else because that doesnt seem like it will get to the cut either. You have to get to the root of it, in order to get it to heal.

I've been trying but feel in such a slump. I feel my self-confidence has taken such a beating. I felt much, much stronger last year when ready to go through a D! Now, it's much more difficult.

You felt stronger because you were in control, you took your power back. Now you are totally letting him lead. Take some control back.

And my three boys (H, and S20 and S14) all like to have me stay in the role of homemaker.

Um, not really their decision. They are old enough to deal with you living your life, Rh, and old enough to fend for themselves for the most part.

So....back to your response...I'm not really sure who I am or want to be.

Maybe I should start there?

YES!!!!
f

Instead of a "to do" list ... a "to be" list?
Who I want to be and what my dreams are?

I feel I have more in life I want to do than that!

Rh, it is ok to put yourself first sometimes. I know you are worried about your marriage and your h. But, it is ok to take care of you. It is ok for you to find out what makes you happy, what fills you up.

He still needs to work through things. Leave him to it. You do you.

So, start your list, my friend.

[job]

RH,
I do agree w/uR, you need to start being all you can be for yourself. You are very accommodating to your h and that's exactly where you were pre-crisis. This is a new relationship, thus both of you are learning to be better people and this is the time for you to explore what you want to be when you grow up. You and your h do a lot of things together, but you need to be your own independent self in doing some things as well. It will bring more spice to your new life if you had your own interests that are separate from your h's.

What about your real estate license? It's time to get moving on that and you don't have to be away from the home 40 hours a week. After your initial trial period and you begin to gain recognition, you may be able to set your own hours.

Please do not fall back into your old patterns, i.e., your life. You've been given a second chance to do something different and wonderful besides being a mother, homemaker and wife. It's an opportunity to bring to the table your knowledge, independence and yes, interesting things that happen to you during the day. It keeps the spice in life going. Learn to be more independent and do things that you enjoy as well. Both of you need some time to do things separately. Being joined at the hip isn't beginning a new life. Again, you and your h have been given a second chance. Take the gift of time and do something wonderful w/it, not just for your marriage and your h...but for yourself.

[reachingHigher]

Thanks so much everyone! Virtual friendship does have its drawbacks but I have received such valuable advice and support here it's incredible!

I am starting to see that it's always important to CARE, but in a way it's almost better as a caretaker to teach and enable the people in your life to be able to care for themselves and contribute too. If you don't you may actually be robbing them of important lessons in self sufficiency, responsibility, and purpose. I can also see how some of my failure to be as attentive as a W as my H wanted was because I was carrying to much of the burden of the household stuff and parent stuff that I didn't have the time and energy to be a stellar, sexy wife sometimes.

This is a great concept, Tigerlily, thank you! A care-teacher.
I especially like what you pointed out that doing other people's stuff, doesn't allow you to grow. And definitely contributed in our M to lack of attention to some of H's needs.

I think you could have either asked him if you were invited or made the other plans, right? I mean, you dont have to go to everything with him. Especially if you dont really want to go. You have a right to do what you want too.

I could have easily done this. I don't have to STFU any more. We aren't at that place.

You felt stronger because you were in control, you took your power back. Now you are totally letting him lead. Take some control back.

Yes! This is right on target!

Rh, it is ok to put yourself first sometimes. I know you are worried about your marriage and your h. But, it is ok to take care of you.

Thank you for this!

RH,
I do agree w/uR, you need to start being all you can be for yourself. You are very accommodating to your h and that's exactly where you were pre-crisis. This is a new relationship, thus both of you are learning to be better people and this is the time for you to explore what you want to be when you grow up. You and your h do a lot of things together, but you need to be your own independent self in doing some things as well. It will bring more spice to your new life if you had your own interests that are separate from your h's.

What about your real estate license? It's time to get moving on that and you don't have to be away from the home 40 hours a week. After your initial trial period and you begin to gain recognition, you may be able to set your own hours.

Please do not fall back into your old patterns, i.e., your life. You've been given a second chance to do something different and wonderful besides being a mother, homemaker and wife. It's an opportunity to bring to the table your knowledge, independence and yes, interesting things that happen to you during the day. It keeps the spice in life going. Learn to be more independent and do things that you enjoy as well. Both of you need some time to do things separately. Being joined at the hip isn't beginning a new life. Again, you and your h have been given a second chance. Take the gift of time and do something wonderful w/it, not just for your marriage and your h...but for yourself.

Job, this is all great advice ^ ^ ^ ^ !!!!

I was thinking about this all this morning, through tears after reading Job's post, and I see I have been stuck.

Let me show you an example of how I felt "stuck" before:

When I had Baby #2, he was a VBAC and we chose to have him at a birthing center in Fort Lauderdale, where we were living at the time.

After MANY hours of labor and no baby, I was in-and-out of the whirlpool tub many times, it was the wee hours of the morning, I was chewing on ice chips, etc.....but I was stuck!! The midwives sensed something was wrong. What was it, they inquired.

I stated my deep fear about my MIL and how mean she had been to me and I knew she was staying nearby and I was dreading having to see her and this first grandchild for her. (As it was later, MIL refused to pick him up or hold the baby when she first saw him at our house.) H's sister (the one who later died) was pregnant also, at the time, and due a few months later and I knew MIL and sister weren't happy that I got pregnant first. There was a lot of tension there even to the point of them wanting to control what we named the baby.

The midwives, and my H, reassured me they would make things with the MIL easy for me later; I trusted, and completed the delivery with a nearly 10 pound baby, no anesthesia and no episiotomy!

I wrote a poem later about the delivery experience and one of the midwives just starting out on her own asked for permission to use the poem in advertising for her business.

......well.....here I am many years later, and I have that STUCK feeling once again!

I feel like these posts and urging from my dear friends here can get me going again!

I have taken the real estate test twice from the technical school and failed twice. I feel I can pass the test...and do the job... but have a mental block somehow.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Last night, H came home just after bedtime and cuddled with me and told me all about his evening with a going-away party for one of his drinking friends. It was a calm, nice event with about 10 of them.

After he went to sleep I laid wide awake thinking about ME! Who I am, who I want to be, etc. Couldn't go to sleep till after 1:30 am and woke up wide awake before 5 am!

I do feel the push from you all here; (to use a metaphor from the delivery analogy) I do feel what you all are saying is absolutely right! I do trust you! I am ready to move forward just like I did when I was working on saving my M.

I do understand about not falling back into the same routine, same pattern, same ways of behaving.

My H has expressed trust and value in me. It's not at all like he is a stumbling block. He is as ready for me to get on with my life as anyone could. He has been patient and kind. But he doesn't want me to be a doormat either! He wants something and someone who can stand their own ground next to him.

I'm ready to roll up my sleeves and get working on it! Thank you so much!

[reachingHigher]

The song Down to Earth by Peter Gabriel, from the Pixar movie, Wall-E was sort of my feel-good, theme song that got me through many rough times a year ago.

I felt this verse especially applied,

Did you think that your feet had been bound
By what gravity brings to the ground?
Did you feel you were tricked
By the future you picked?

Yes, I felt tricked.
And I knew H felt the same way.
That I tricked him.

Now last year is history.

Perhaps this verse applies now,

Did you think you'd escaped from routine
By changing the script and the scene?
Despite all you made of it
You're always afraid of the change

Yes, I WAS afraid of the change.
Now I want to embrace it.

[uRworthy]

You know, Rh, I think women our age kind of had our feet planted in two different times. We were born at a time when women still were the caregivers, the homemakers, and those were our role models. But then we were teenagers in the 70's, a time when women were become more empowered.

So, I think we tended to go with a bit of both. We had careers, then, stayed home with our children.

I dont, for a minute, regret my time at home. I do feel though, that my mindset was to totally immerse myself in my family. And there isnt anything wrong with that. It is when you do that to the extent that you lose yourself, that it becomes an issue.

We find ourselves a bit lost, when something like MLC happens. Our equilibrium is thrown off. Our role, as we saw it, to fix things, to keep the family together and working, etc. is now skewed.

You had been concentrating so hard on what your role was, that when this hit, you started working harder to try to keep it all together.

But when you were exhausted, when you could do no more, you took control of your life.

Then the reconnection began. And so, you went back to your role. You worked real hard. And all the while, you still werent paying real attention to you.

You forgot how to. You forgot what that looks like, what that feels like.

And now you are afraid to take that next step. I think you are fearful, even though your h doesnt make you feel that way, to let go a bit.

You want to hold on as tight as you can.

But, my friend, you have a right to be happy and fulfilled. You have a right to spread your wings and find you.

It is ok for you think, ok, my marriage is on safer ground, my children are older, it's RH's time.

That is something that you want your children to see. It is something you want your h to see. He needs to know that he doesnt have to worry about you. He needs to know that he can have a life and you can have a life. And the great thing is, that you can share a life, too.

Find you, R. Figure out what fills you up. Find out how you can be your best self.

It is ok. It really is. Stop holding your breath. Let it out.

I know what stuck is. Trust me on that. I know what being afraid of change is, too.

But we only get this one life. Make it a great one.

[Ambivalent]

URworthy,


"We find ourselves a bit lost, when something like MLC happens. Our equilibrium is thrown off. Our role, as we saw it, to fix things, to keep the family together and working, etc. is now skewed. "

You just described me! I was born in '60 last of three. Older parents. So stay at home mom, and teen in the 70's. Worked hard , and got married.

I wasn't going to have kids, wasn't going to stay home. First was born, and then... WHAM! couldn't allow someone else to raise my daughter.

Now , when you say RH is trying to hold on, I identify SO much with that.

Our home/family was our career. It was our workplace and refuge. I home-schooled, coached, volunteered, . I landscaped, drove miles and miles, had two high need children who were also highly gifted (which means I had to meet there needs cognitively and otherwise ).I feel ripped apart and yes even a bit resentful over a decision made unilaterally, without any discussion nor input from myself. I gave so much and feel at times as if what I've done is discounted or not appreciated.

I don't know if you felt that way RH, but I'm still reeling from where I am presently. Coming to terms with VAST changes, and it all happening at once.

You are in a better financial situation than I/we, for my H. hasn't made the best decisions. Now I have extreme pressure on myself to achieve in school, get another job, keep the home I'm in, and just plain function with depression on my tail.

Your post just punched me in the gut.

[Ambivalent]

I can bring home the bacon,
fry it up in a pan,
and never never let you forget you're a man.

Cuz I'm a WOMAN , ENJOLIE

What a crock with which we were indoctrinated. Some of us choose to work, some choose to stay at home, to do both is a VERY tough balance and not always the best for the family.

We are so tough on ourselves. I think it's time to love who we are, what we are, and be the best we can be... for us.

<3