She's gonna make it.....

[beatrice]

RL - I am so sorry about your eye, and hope that they will sort it out as soon as they can..

MLC plays havoc with memory - I am not sure why, but almost everyone on the Boards reports it. It isn't just the rewriting of history, but they will assert and believe events. Pre bd I thought that my xh was starting Alzheimers early, as his memory was totally shot even then. Their concentration is also poor.

For example my xh now clams that he always said that OW1 would never last, but I had an email from during the affair him saying that she was the woman he loved and intended to spend the rest of his life with. So he has rewritten his history with her too!

If you ever try to convince a MLCer they will usually say you are quoting them out of context. Thy believe what they want to believe, in short. It is a sort of magical thinking.

I heard the most wonderful quote the other day 'You are entitled to your own opinions, but you are not entitled to your own facts'

Now, a wise person told me a long time ago that a MLC relationship exists largely in the MLCers head - more than most relationships it is a projection. RT is a symbol and you are a symbol. To this day my xh does not treat me as if I were a flesh and blood human being. I can't explain it any other way, but I am not real to him. My feelings have no validity and what I say is always incorrect. I do not think he actually aware that I am a symbol to hm of all that is wrong in his life, and post divorce, when the reality is I have no impact on his life, I remain in this role.

[Pudmuddle]

You sound so strong Linda. I really do think you have a great understanding of what is going on with your H. I can only imagine that the RT will do something crazy to bring it all to a head with your H. It's so funny to think he is content with her behavior even now. I question my H's taste in the Floormop he has picked out, she seems to have a quick temper.

Sorry about your eye, I will send my positive thoughts your way that it heals quickly so you can get your next surgery.

[Wonka]

Here's to hoping she gives up soon to pursue greener grass!

RT's 'greener grass' will be Astro artificial turf.


Hey Linda, hope your eye gets better soon!

[beatrice]

RL I didn't mean to upset you. The problem is that although overall using DBing techniques it is probable that 75% of marriages can be saved across all of the forums, and probably more, MLC is another matter. We are dealing with someone damaged, who may lack the coping skills to work on their marriage, even if they really want it.

There are no guarantees, but you are handling the situation extremely well, and your husband isn't too extreme as MLCers go. If you look at many of us here, like Golfmom, and WH, and my little chap, we are dealing with the crazier end.

Who in their right mind would have left URworthy? Another crazy one. Marriages do get restored here, and also many LBS find more fulfilling lives - it is wonderful to stand for a marriage, and worth it if the marriage is restored to something new and better, but life with a MLCer isn't a barrel of laughs, and at some point many understandably say 'Enough'

[Wonka]

Methinks that percentage applies only to the Jekyll/Hyde MCLers instead of the kitty kitten MCLers. An observation from what I've read here and seen in real life.

[beatrice]

Wonka, I agree. The ones that have restored have not usually been too extreme (there are always exceptions- BND had a very crazy one).

RL hang in there until you feel you do not want to anymore. Which may never happen btw. It is always your decision and everyone here supports that process

[LoisB]

What's a kitty kitten MLC-er?

What's mine? A Jeckyll/Hyde/Kitty/dumb-butt MLC-er? (It's anger and forgiveness week in Lois Land).

I heard the most wonderful quote the other day 'You are entitled to your own opinions, but you are not entitled to your own facts'

Now, a wise person told me a long time ago that a MLC relationship exists largely in the MLCers head - more than most relationships it is a projection. RT is a symbol and you are a symbol. To this day my xh does not treat me as if I were a flesh and blood human being. I can't explain it any other way, but I am not real to him. My feelings have no validity and what I say is always incorrect. I do not think he actually aware that I am a symbol to hm of all that is wrong in his life, and post divorce, when the reality is I have no impact on his life, I remain in this role.

Bea, this is truly profound. I love this. Love it. I need to read this over and over.

Linda, YOU ARE DOING GREAT!!!! Don't let the "prognosis" sway you away from your hard work. BELIEVE. Believe in yourself.

You have choices. These stats aren't written in stone.

At the same time, maybe there's a part of you that needs to really imagine life without him. Maybe for your own growth and sanity? Not because that's what will happen, but so you will able to accept things as they are? IDK. Maybe I'm talking out my butt here.

You reacted strongly to this idea of survival rates. Why?

Much love sent your way...

Heather

[Wonka]

Heather,

A Jekyll/Hyde MCLer is full of anger, uncontrollable rage, deep unhappiness, and irrationally thinks the LBS is out to get them so their actions are extreme such as gaslighting, engaging in a "gotcha" game with the LBS, and trying to hurt them in every conceivable way (legally, emotionally, financially).

A kitty kitten MLCer is low-level type of person who is deep into the fog, forgetful, spacey, may engage in occasional spewing, and usually does not engage in gamesmanship with the LBS. Most often the LBS can talk back at the kitty kitten MLCer with some well-aimed "truth darts" without any serious blow backs from the MLCer. The anger and rage aren't the predominant driving forces for the kitty kitten MLCer. Forgetfulness and spacey behaviors are at the forefront for the kitty kitten MLCer.

Hope this helps!

[LoisB]

It does. Thanks Wonka.

I guess I have a kitty cat. "Here kitty, kitty, kitty..."

[RosaLinda]

thanks for visiting guys! Thanks for raising a glass of wine to the prospect of RT finding another man, Bright. Let's raise a glass to Wonka's Astro Turf ( Wonka you always crack me up!)

Although if and when RT dumps H, there's no guarantee he'll turn his heart back in my direction, is there? That is something I just realized, that really sunk into my brain, although Cadet has mentioned it on numerous occasions. I think it was your statistic Bea, that only 10% of MLC marriages reconcile. You did not upset me, you were just telling the truth. But what a stark realization. It won't keep me from Standing, but I have been feeling pretty positive about my chances for reconciliation, up to now. Stupid huh? But as you say, he is not one of the crazier MLCers. Well he is pretty nutty, but not one of the crazier nastier WAS types.

Thanks Wonka, for your opinion that maybe the 10% applies mainly to the Jekyll/Hyde MCLers instead of the kitty kitten MCLers, like my H, and your H too Heather. I guess time will tell. I wish there was some way for MWD to send out a survey to all of the kazillion people who have used her forum over the years, to get a feel for how many do eventually reconcile. Wouldn't that be interesting?

I feel as if something is building up in my H for the next spew. He has been acting cold and crabby and distracted since Saturday, and has only said a handful of words to me. Funnily enough, the couple of times he has talked to me was to inform me that two meals we have been eating forever are actually Russian recipes that RT's mother taught him, sigh..... One is cottage cheese mixed with fruit cocktail, and the other vegetable beef soup. He made this for dinner last night, and added a diced beet, and as Nero would say, ta da!!!!! it magically became borscht! How he makes me laugh, when he is not making me cry

I can feel anger radiating out of him today. Like a radiator about to blow. He's stomping around and slamming doors. He stuck some kind of yellow cutting tool in my face and demanded to know what had happened to his tool. I never saw the darned thing before! And is furious, claiming someone has been stealing our fire wood. Over the past 8 months, this kind of irrational anger has historically meant that RT was pushing him for some action, and he would eventually get fed up with her nastiness, and take it out on me. It's happened every few weeks since he returned from Moscow.

Oh well, time to take off my jaunty DBing cap and strap on T2's extra strong DB hardhat. You know, the one that comes with goggles and uRw's pattented super duper extra large patience shovel.

This is interesting and sad Bea, "Now, a wise person told me a long time ago that a MLC relationship exists largely in the MLCers head - more than most relationships it is a projection. RT is a symbol and you are a symbol. To this day my xh does not treat me as if I were a flesh and blood human being. I can't explain it any other way, but I am not real to him. My feelings have no validity and what I say is always incorrect. I do not think he actually aware that I am a symbol to hm of all that is wrong in his life, and post divorce, when the reality is I have no impact on his life, I remain in this role."

It is so sad that FooFoo does not see or treat you like a flesh and blood human being, let alone like the lovely and wonderful woman you truly are. My H acts like this sometimes (this past week is one of the times ) too, but most of the time he either ignores me altogether or talks to me as if I was a person, albeit a slightly brain damaged person. He often refers to me as a "child." I don't want to be a child, I want to be his wife, but he does not always see me. Invisible woman. So I am continuing to STFU.

I am, however, glad to learn that the OP are only symbols, and their relationships with our spouses are mainly in the spouses' heads. This probably does not make the PAs any easier to accept, but helps me with my own H, as his and RT's affair has been relegated to a mere EA since they are 5,000 miles apart, poor things!

So...that's all that is up with me. Still muddling thru la la land, waiting for the cuckoo to remember where he left his nest in the clock LOL!

Oh, and remember my friend I went to visit in England? I had told you that when I arrived, she was in a full blown MLC. She had moved out to live with her dad, and was trying to seduce two different men to have PAs with her. She told me that she has been considering returning home to her H, poor man, but if she did, he would have to snap to and follow her rules. She says they had a nice reunion with Chinese food "take away" and ML But the real reason she went home is because she missed her dog!! Didn't someone say (was it you rH?) that MLCers bond with their pets and kids first, and then their spouse? He was such a nice, befuddled man. I hope she doesn't break his poor heart again!