She told me that she might look for an apartment near our house. This made me very ... sad/emotional/angry.
Yes, this reminds me of the months just after BD in my sitch. My W seemed very loving, kind, generous, etc. It really seemed like she had changed her mind. But if I ever asked, I instantly got a reality check. She was fully intent on moving out even though it seemed like things were better than they had been in years. And she DID move out. Just prepare yourself, because it's easy to underestimate just how "done" a WAS is.
Quote:
So it was a bad/good night. Obviously I made mistakes.
What mistakes do you think you made? I didn't see any in what you described.
So What mistakes do you think you made? I didn't see any in what you described.
I guess for one, i let my emotions overcome me and started talking about the relationship. This is when I asked if (we could afford it) she wanted a divorce right now.
I'm letting it get to me again. W took the day off today because she is going to a concert tonight with "friends".
She texted me and told me she dropped D off around noon, and now is getting "partied up" for the concert. (the concert starts at 7:30Pm) Who the hell gets ready 5 hours ahead of time. Probably getting super dressed up so she can look super good.
THIS KILLS ME. Everytime i see her, she wants to wear sweatpants and a hoody, but when she's going out she gets dressed to the 9's, for every one else.
Sorry you are feeling badly, as AS pointed out, we all went through this type of thing and we all came out the other side -- you will too, this too shall pass. If W does not come back you will find someone new who will probably be a better match for you and you will be loved. There is nothing final in this and you do not have any fatal flaws. Most of it is not about you at all.
When my W was in her EA, she was intimate and giving with OM in a way that she never was with me, and even after returning still will not be. She read the 5LL's with OM, so she was familiar with it. After I read it and we discussed our LL's she told me she just wasn't going to deal with mine, period. We all go through these periods where the WAS can leave us feeling low and unloved. It's not you, and you WILL feel better, I promise.
I would not suggest the 5LL's to her, or any other type of relationship work. Just give her space, the more space you give her, the better.
In terms of the rest of your post that you asked for a reaction on, you need to take a LONG term view. Focusing on the events of any one day, or the conversations you have will just tie you in knots. Nothing will be resolved quickly, and the details of any given day don't matter that much. DB, do the best you can, and you will be fine.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I understand what you mean. The day to day events are extremely volitile. I need to take myself out of the fold and try to see the bigger picture in all this.
Last night my D and I made a cake to pass the time, and try to spend some quality time together. After we were finished she asked if Mom was coming to her birthday. (she thought the cake made it her birthday). I almost cried. This poor child does not deserve this. She did nothing wrong, and yet she has to deal with not seeing her mom, most of the time.
Later in the night she asked if she could sleep in my bed because she wanted to take mommy's place. because mommy will be gone for a year. I couldn't believe it. ( she doesn't understand time that well, and often refers to yesterday as last year) but it just hit so hard.
W sent me a text at 2AM and said she was ok and she was staying at her GF's. I checked our bank account to make sure she didn't overdraft buying booze at the bar, and saw that she bought drinks at a bar about 2 hours from where she said she was.(she stayed with OM) Nothing like a bold faced lie to make you feel better in the morning.
It really makes me wonder why I am trying to save this M in the first place. My initial hopes of being a family are in a constant decline.
I need to stand tall, for my daughter. Any less of an effort will haunt me forever.
It may be a good time to re-evaluate what you are trying to accomplish. Most folks at your stage in the sitch are still holding onto the belief that if they do or say the right things, they can fix this and get their spouse back. That's why you fixate on the details of daily interactions and try to rate them as positive or negative.
You cannot fix this. There is nothing you can do or say that will bring her back while she is actively involved with OM.
I was reading this the other day: Studies show that facts don't matter when you have a deeply held opinion.
That's why you can never win arguments about politics or religion. If you strongly believed that 4+4=9, no amount of evidence that I would show you that 4+4=8 would make you change your mind. In fact, any evidence I showed you that contradicts what you believe would only make you solidify your position that much more.
When people get into affairs, they fall victim to "confirmation bias", which means that they only seek out opinions and evidence that confirms what they already believe.
Therefore, anything you do to swim against the tide of what the WAS wants makes your situation even worse. By trying to draw them back toward you, you push them further away.
So here's how I want you to think about changing your perspective: You cannot "win" this or fix it in the near term. You need to surrender to the fact that it is completely out of your hands. Embrace that, mourn it, suffer through the grief.
Secondly, I want you to understand that bearing close witness to your W's thoughts and actions is hurting you. She has too much impact on your emotional well-being right now, and not being able to draw her to you despite your best efforts is pummeling your self-esteem. It's precluding your ability to heal and move forward.
So what should you do?
Recognize that your involvement with W, while she is in an affair, is hurting you, and establish boundaries that will protect yourself:
-- Limit contact with her to the bare minimum -- Keep it business-like -- Keep your interactions on a schedule so you can mentally prepare -- Shut down your ability to spy on her. You already know what's going on, stop looking. Set her up with a separate bank account that you don't have access to. Set her up with a phone account you can't see. Just push the visibility off your screen. The less you know day-to-day, the better.
After you've done that, figure out what you need to do to take care of you. You have been single for long periods in your life and you were fine and happy, so you didn't need to be married to be a whole happy period. Rediscover what made you tick and embrace it.
W understands you don't want this and would like to reconcile. That has been communicated. Now go into protection and rebuilding mode. There is nothing you can do to draw her back to you, to pursue that is only a recipe for frustration. She will only come back to you when she is ready, and you cannot make that happen faster.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I completely agree with Acc! Your W is not going to stop hurting you right now. She only cares about herself. You need to protect yourself. It look me a few months to realize it. I kept hoping that my H would realize the damage that he was doing to me and to our children. H cannot do that right now because he is living in a fog. You have to look out for YOU!!
Even though I long to be close to H, long to be friends, I cant allow it to happen when the OW is in the picture. I have thrown myself into protection/rebuilding mode. While things feel awkward with H and I am still sad at times, I feel empowered. I have taken back some control over my life. I have gotten to a point that I can see that while the kids and I may be missing out, it truly is H's loss.
I know that it is scary because it feels like you are letting go. But I bet you will find that you feel more in control of your life than you have in a while.
I realize that you both are totally right. I keep thinking that if I just do this one more thing, say the right thing, that she will change her mind and realize what she is doing.
And Acc is right, she has complete control over my emotions right now.
I just don't know how to get to the point where i feel in control. I wish i could stand up for myself and set boundaries but i'm not sure where to begin.
Physical boundaries? or do i set boundaries for myself? aka...
"-- Limit contact with her to the bare minimum -- Keep it business-like -- Keep your interactions on a schedule so you can mentally prepare -- Shut down your ability to spy on her. You already know what's going on, stop looking. Set her up with a separate bank account that you don't have access to. Set her up with a phone account you can't see. Just push the visibility off your screen. The less you know day-to-day, the better"
What are other boundaries i can work on? 1 boundary i really want is that I dont want my D to have any contact with OM. How can i enforce that? I'm still new in the DR book ( ON chapter 2) so maybe this is all laid out for me.
Its like my w has been taken over... She is so CRUEL now.
I really appreciate the input ACC. you have had some great words of wisdom on my sitch. I will go back and read this thread fromt he beginning, and try to start practicing what you preach.
The information is great, I just need to be stronger to put it into practice!
We've all been there, you will get through it. There is lots of information about boundaries on this forum and on the web. They are things you put in place to protect yourself and your kids, not to control anyone else.
You might set a boundary that W can't come by unannounced, that she has to let you know when she's coming, or set a schedule for when she can come over, that kind of thing.
As painful as it is, you should seriously cut off your ability to monitor. IF she wants to re-engage with you, one of the requirements is to provide full transparency, and at that point you will want access.
To look at this point is only hurting you, because you will obsess over it, your imagination will fill in gaps and make things worse than they are, and there's nothing you can do about it. It's just self-flagellation and you don't need that.
Take some action to set her up in ways you can't monitor.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I also back acc's point that you cannot change her mind. I'm at almost one year and nothing I have tried changed anything.
However, when you stop fighting it and you begin to fully accept that this is mostly not about your short comings, it becomes clear to your wife that you are not standing in her way.
It will take probably six months to a year but eventually she will stop pushing back. ..mostly because you will stop trying to change the situation. She will then treat you much better when you are no longer the enemy. I went through the exact stuff.
Focus on yourself and your daughter. Settle in for the long haul. Find a comfort zone and stay in it.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
Oh and also by caring less, it will be obvious to her. Then what happens is she begins to lose control of the situation and control is very important to a WAS.
Your relationship will go through a correction phase where she begins to see that you are putting youself first and begins to respect you more for it. It levelizes and equalizes the balance of power in the relationship and its destiny. You now have just as much if not more control over whether the marriage ends at this point, than she does (right now she has final say and full control)...
With equal power and equal control, the relationship becomes more normal, more of a relationship between two equals intead of how it is right now with her trying to decide the future of your marriage and you waiting and holding your breath and putting her on a pedestal.
You have heard of the WAS only having second thoughs when the LBS moves on right? Same concept. Its what happens naturally as your level of caring lowers to the sam level as hers.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
