Quarter Life Crisis?

[flgurl84]

Happy Sunday All!

My new area of re-evaluation centers around the word succinct. I've only just seen this word in all the marriage saving material. Just looked up the definition:

marked by compact precise expression without wasted words <a succinct description

If you can't tell already, I am long winded. I like to talk. My nickname as a child was (lovingly) by my father, Motor mouth. I have the gift of gab.

Now I want to learn to say want I need to say succinctly which I can't even spell or pronounce lol!

This is going to be a tough one.

I kind of am embarrassed by the length of some of my posts. I read a lot of other people's posts and they are short, to the point and clear.

I guess a part of my problem is I have always excelled in English and a write very well. I enjoy painting a picture for people. Maybe that is what I am trying to do in my posts.

Paint my situation with words and texts, help people understand. I don't think that has helped with Boo though.

What a shame, something I think I am so good at, hinders or even hurts my relationship. Well, add that to the prayer list for church today, help me to express myself, when appropriate, in a clear, succinct manner. Ah there I didn't need spell check for that one!

We are still Replaying here. Back and forth, he is home for 30-an hour at time. Never has meals. Maybe stays at the house 2-3 nights a week. I am feeling used, as he calls and asks me to run errands for him for the business.

But the interactions that we do have are OK. They are good in fact! His calls are more frequent. Sometimes they are just to say something funny, or to talk while he runs errands.

Yesterday, we had a small run in. I wrote out NOTHING WILL EVER BE THE SAME...and that's OK and placed it on the fridge.

This is a reference from Family Guy. Brian (the dog) feels his life is worth nothing. Stewie (the British accented baby) er, well basically sets fire to a liquor store and places a stray dog inside with Brian collar on. (all grim details left out of the show, it is a comedy cartoon of course) A cop comes to the house with Brian's collar and tells the family he is dead. They all huddle around each other crying, and Peter (the family guy) says "Nothing will ever be the same."

I quoted that when we lost Bob in May. An nothing has been. It struck a cord in me.

But they I rememberd all my readings. Nothing will ever be the same, and it CANT be the same! Old life is dead, and we need to be reborn into a new life.

He asked about my note, I told him I was sad when I wrote it. He asked "what about?" REALLY???? I just kind of looked at him blankly and said "my life". He thought something bad had happened while I was out with my friends. I reassure I had a great night out, but coming home to an empty house is sad. He told me I could have called him to come over, the only reason he didn't was because it was "raining" (??) I started to say, no I can't just call you to come over, I am starting to live my life like you are in it anymore. He started to come toward me to hug me, I moved away and he got mad, started mumbling how he will just go back to work. I told him I am not mad, he doesn't need to be angry at me. He said he wasn't, he was angry at himself.

So yea, no major blow out. He bought me a tool kit and tool box, so I can do things around the house without having to fish through his many tool chests.

Well, Off to Sunday Mass. I need some divine intervention!

Have a Blessed Day All!

[flgurl84]

I would really love to here from some of the Vets out there...Snodderly (job) I see you floating around here, and you have such WISE information. True Gritt where did you go? And why do I have 6 pages on this thread, with page 5/6 with nothing on them. Also the number of replies does not match the number listed in the forums.

I had a talk with Boo on Sunday. I told him I was feeling a little used because he is confused about us, needs his space, not sure if he wants to stay in the family, but yet he expects me to run errands for him and do wifely things for him. What brought this up was that he asked me to pay his home depot bill for him. When I confronted him, he go angry, snatched the bill away and said never mind. He then asked me, "why do you do anything in the yard? Why do you yard work if you don't want to help out, or you feel used?" I responded that I love my house, and my yard and plants, and working in the yard makes me happy." He didn't respond to that.

He also continues to talk about "we" and the future. I can't remember what we were talking about (it seems like adrenaline during these talks kills my memory) but he said "we will do that.." I responded, "Will we still be a "we"?" He said he hoped.

He let me talk, I told him that I have changed, I want to continue to change, I want to be a better person and I understand that we all need to continue to grow and expand ourselves and we never should stay the same, but I want to grow with him and be a family. No real response, but I think he heard me.

He has gone to Tampa for work, things seem to have ended on a good note. Although he has anger problems, he is still loving. I asked him if coming back home and being in our bed in our room would help. He said we could try. I don't want to seem like a doormat, but a part of me feels if we stopped this room mate crap, and he felt accepted in his home, with no expectations, just come home to a happy family, it would help.

Over the past few months I was so hung up on him not texting during the day, calling me after work, letting me know when he'd be home, coming home late and not eating dinner and not spending anytime with me. Nagging and complaining about that pushed him away, and look where I am.

If I can TRULY drop my expectations, and only have ONE, that he will be home, I think I will feel better, I will feel like he is trying. He can come lay in bed with me, we can talk if we want, watch TV, I will make dinner and he can eat it at his leisure and not get nagged that his dinner is getting cold. I want to make his home a place he can come to and not feel anxiety, which he still says he does.

I got a phone call from him Monday AM bright an early. He had a talk with his grandmother, and he has changed his mind about Thanksgiving, he is not going to let his family (sister) drama ruin his holiday, and ruin his mother's holiday. MIL is the Thanksgiving queen, she loves it and always hosts it and it is always a great time. He said that she has been there for him, and he wants to be there for her on her holiday that she loves. He also said that his original plan was to spend it with me and Paw at our house (since we had both said to each other that we would not be going to MIL's, and I would be at home with Paw) but now, he thinks we should walk in there with our heads held high, together and be there for MIL.

I was shocked.

Unfortunately I have already accepted my BFF's invite to her family's dinner. I told him this. He didn't sound mad he just seemed whatever about it. I asked him, "How would we be going to the dinner as? Friends? or H & W working on things?" He said the latter. I am not sure if he is just saying that. I told him I'd have to think about it.

I am totally torn. I want to be true to myself. I hit a goal! I said I would not go to MIL's unless he asked me to go as H&W. He did and now I am not sure. There is still so much drama, between our anger towards his sister, we dislike his cousin and baby mama and there two rug rats. Then I feel like he will be putting on a charade for his family, act loving to me around them, but it will all be a big show and nothing will have actually changed, and I will be even more confused. Or it could go great, we could act loving to each other and it will feel right and it will help us move towards togetherness.

But this is MY holiday too. MY day off, MY day to be with people I love and care about. My BFF has been there for me this whole time, despite how bad of a friend I have been to her. If I go to her house I will have NO drama, only fun, love and acceptance of the people around me. And any drama that does happen there (cuz all fam's have it) won't be directly MINE! I will be watching as an outsider, get to leave, and go to my drama free home with Paw!

If I decide to go to my BFF's house, I will still visit my MIL as planned. I love her, I love his Grandmother and I want to see them on the holiday, and I won't have to put on this fake act in front of the entire family. I can't fake it anymore. I love Boo, but I am not sure I am strong enough for this. I am not sure I want to ruin MY holiday. I want all my days to be filled with joy and happiness, especially holidays!

So I am torn. WOULD LOVE SOME ADVICE!!!

I figured I would see how he handled this work week in Tampa. He said he would text me and call me to talk at night. So far none of those have happened, except his good night text last night. I know my expectations should be low, but since he wants something from me (to go to t-day dinner with him) you'd think he would be trying a little harder to convince me he wants to try us again.

I am praying over this very hard this week. 9 days to make a decision. I am not even sure what to tell my BFF.

UGH

[Truegritter]

Sorry Gurl your posts weren't showing up because you were on moderation

True-
And I don't mean for your H to come around.

I mean for you to walk this journey.

If

You want to.
Can you clarify what you mean by this? If I want to? I feel like I HAVE to...how can I not? I see that this is changing me. I like it. Just looking for clarity.

You don't have to do anything.

You may say you HAVE to because that is who you are and how you view commitment to your M

THAT gets to the purpose of my question.

Why do you want to commit to this?

It is certainly the tougher road.

Your H is very confused and is not going to get better until he decides to get help. He will keep thinking he has a the best plan for himself like get rid of all his stressors... Or become a unicorn farmer.

It doesn't matter. It won't work until he gets help.

What do you mean by "help"? Like meds/therapy?

Thanks for your reply in advance.

I am not a mental health professional but what you are describing here is someone who has had mental/emotional problems that either have been diagnosed and he is in denial or have not been because he refuses to see that he needs help.

He still thinks it's what drops out of the sky on him or it's something that he can control.

Sometimes he thinks it's you.

Your life together that makes him feel bad.

When it is all his own illness/dysfunction/crisis.

You didn't break him and you can't fix him.

You also can't rescue him or enable him.

Have you read the info on here on detachment? you can also search that term and get some good info on it.

THAT is you first step Gurl.

Detachment.

[flgurl84]

This has been the longest week of my LIFE.

I haven't talked to Boo since Monday when he invited to his Fam's Thanksgiving.

I am still undecided about this. I am leaning more towards not going. I spoke with his Grandmother yesterday, trying to convince me to come, not as Boo's W, but as an individual and to be with my family. I told her, that if Boo and I are not H&W, I will not be attending family functions anymore. It's just what it is.

I think I will be attending my BFF's family's dinner as planned. I feel good about my decisions. I will be with people who care about me, and it will be a little break from acting AS IF. I will be acting happy because I will be. I will not have to fake it.

Maybe this will give Boo a taste of what life will be like all alone, which is what he wants. This is not at all my reason for not going thought. I am not trying to punish Boo. But I am going to spend MY holiday the way I want to.

I also will be starting up my waitressing job again, hoping to pick up some shifts in Dec and hoping to work Xmas. This will take up my time, and I will not have to worry who or where I will spend the holiday.

I will be spending it making money!

I will not be purchasing Xmas gifts for anyone. I know I have said this a million times, but I feel like I've had another epiphany! I have to do for me. I am scared for my future.

I know I cannot plan much further than a few days ahead, I do think about where I will live, how will I pay my bills. And not talking to Boo will be the worst.

I have gotten a few nonsense texts. Hey, how ya doing, things like that. Nothing of substance. So yes, he just agreed to go as "H&W" to thanksgiving to pacify me.

He told me he would text during the day and call at night while he was away, none of which has happened.

He is not in my life. That is how I will live it, but with the door open. He knows how I feel, he knows I want to work on us.

I'm doing me now.

I have an orchid society meeting on the 25th. I have got my weekend jam packed with chores I have been neglecting. I know that Boo will look at my cleaning up the yard as trying to please him, but I live here too. This is my house too.

I am just ready for this day to be OVER!!

[flgurl84]

Also, literally everyone around me is telling me to move on.

They don't mean it in the DB sort of way, I think they mean it as, let him go. HMMMM now that I type it out, it does sound like detachment. I dunno. I am worried.

I guess I don't need to continue to tell people I am continuing to hang on.

I swear I hate my life, I hate this situation right now. I know I am supposed to learn, I am trying. It is so hard.

DB coaching Sat afternoon. Hoping that helps me feel a little bit better, set my goals, keep a better PMA.

[flgurl84]

True- Why do I want to commit to this....I have NO IDEA WHY!!

My views on M? My commitment to family and Boo? The values I was raised with?

I really don't know.

Me not wanting to start over? I don't WANT to be alone. I would like companionship in my life, and when Boo and I are on the same page, he fulfills all my needs, speaks my LL and I thought vice versa.

No man ever made me feel like Boo. Maybe I never gave anyone a chance because Boo was always in the back of my mind.

I don't know why I want to commit to this. And I don't know how to find the answer.

I guess I can't just forget the good times. They seemed SO GOOD.

[Mimi00]

Also, literally everyone around me is telling me to move on.

They don't mean it in the DB sort of way, I think they mean it as, let him go. HMMMM now that I type it out, it does sound like detachment. I dunno. I am worried.

I guess I don't need to continue to tell people I am continuing to hang on.

I swear I hate my life, I hate this situation right now. I know I am supposed to learn, I am trying. It is so hard.

DB coaching Sat afternoon. Hoping that helps me feel a little bit better, set my goals, keep a better PMA.

I had checked your original thread in the New comers section and thought you had left the boards. Good thing to see you posting here still though.

I stopped telling my family as well that I am still "standing" for my marriage as they aren't supportive either.

That's why these forums here are helpful to have some kind of support.

[Cadet]

I think they mean it as, let him go. HMMMM now that I type it out, it does sound like detachment. I dunno. I am worried.

YUP we tell you the same thing, LET GO.
DROP THE ROPE.

I think the major difference is that we are not telling you to run out, date and get in a new relationship.

Should you live your life "as if" he is never coming back? - Absolutely.

[lostinpgh]

It's really difficult to not have anyone be supportive of your decision to stand for your marriage.
I'm in the same boat, people are telling me that they would have long since kicked him to the curb. I'm being "too nice" by just standing by and letting the chips fall where they may.
Like you said, you just do you. It sounds like you are doing a good job at GAL'ing, so keep it up!
The best thing you can do right now is try to detach yourself from him. Don't worry if he calls or texts. Just go on with your day like you were going to either way.

[melissag]

Hi FL, thanks for your post on my thread! I'm now on thread #3, so get set for lots more reading.

Looks like you are getting more action on your thread - I think when you were in Newcomers you were on moderation, and that makes it hard to get things going.

I want to get caught up on your sitch, so will read more and write later! Hope you are having a great weekend!