We talked last night and both agreed to continue with the separation through the holidays and reevaluate where we are around the beginning of next year. He thanked me profusely for allowing him this time and space to focus on himself and his issues, so he can become whole again. I really see this suicide loss group affecting him in such a positive way. Letting him take something soul-destroying and turning it into a positive. And I totally understand that he needed to be able to go through all of this on his own, independent, without me there trying to fix things.
He said he is focusing on making his own friends (since he has moved home, he has primarily been around my friend's husbands), finding his own identity outside of us, learning what makes him happy as an individual again, being able to make mistakes and learn from them without me there to see, judge or criticize (I understand his perception as I had gotten this way at a point earlier in our relationship when I was angry and frustrated and not expressing myself well), just generally accepting the hand he was dealt by his abusive, neglectful parents and realizing that he has been treating everyone close to him over the years like an angry, rebellious child. I think these concepts have been very humbling for him and I don't know if he would have ever come to these conclusions on his own if he didn't have the space outside of us to explore that.
He also mentioned many times that he sees the change in me. That I am happy and enjoying life again. That I'm not walking on eggshells around him anymore, the confidence that I used to have has returned and he's happy to see me rediscovering the 'old me'.
He did say that all of the things I said that I needed in a relationship at our last C session are things that he's not sure he is capable of giving to anyone right now. He needs to become a whole person who loves himself again, before he can give me all that I deserve. And I am at a place now where I understand that and want nothing less. I don't want to be with someone who is faking it or isn't willing to treat me as an equal partner. So I am perfectly content to wait it out for a while and see if he finds that within himself. And if he doesn't, I will be very sad...but I will be ok, too. Because I deserve nothing less.
