Hoping for Reconciliation after being Separated...

[lovethehub]

It is true, I do worry that history will repeat itself. We got to this place largely because we were not able to communicate to each other our core needs and our resentments started building until we were enemies. I would ask him if everything was ok and he would tell me it was. I would ask if he loved me and he would say yes. I came to find out after the fact that it wasn't true. He was not telling the truth because he didn't want to deal with it, and he thought he was doing the right thing by "playing along". Truth is, I am scared to death of that happening again.

I know how you feel, I felt the same way and it had happened to me several times in the past where I thought things were getting better and then a few months later H would say 'nothing has changed for me'. However, that was before I did any real work and he would BD me and then a week or so later we would be 'back together'. Since the final BD, looking at myself, our long talks before moving forward, H is more open. Sometimes I can tell he is keeping something in (like before) but now I can nicely say something to him and we will end up talking about it. Our M will never be perfect but it is so much better and when we do have an issue we can talk about it. Sometimes we start to fall into old patterns but it usually doesn't take long for us to recognize it and put a stop to it.

I asked him recently how I would know that he was committed to things because in the past he had told me he was playing along. I wanted to know how I could trust that the changes he was making were real this time. He jokingly said he wouldn't be doing all of this stuff right now if he didn't want this.

Jokingly on the surface but I would have to guess this is true. Considering you aren't living together and he is doing the work to get back together, try to feel confident he really means it - because it is a lot of work to do for nothing if you don't really want it.

I asked him what made him change his mind to want to work on things again. He said that he had come to realize that I wasn't completely to blame for my trust issues with him, that he played a part in it as well, because through counseling he discovered that part of it was that he has not been able to bond with me and form that connection that would make me feel more secure. He shuts himself off from me. Since BD, he told me, he had not been able to get over that trust issue, but counseling has helped him. He also said that he realized that there was more there between us than he previously thought. That he really liked me and missed me.

That's huge! So nice when they have realizations and it sounds like H found a great C which is awesome, too many are the opposite. I didn't like H's counselor (we had orig gone to her together about our D and then our M) but he told me one time that she had encouraged him to stay a few times when he didn't want to.

I feel a little bit awkward about going, but to me this is a big step for us, that he is inviting me.

Try to put your awkward feelings aside and go with confidence and with your head held high! My H's sisters both knew everything that was going on, that I had an A, etc. and I chose to act as I always had.

I am happy for you!