Nightly observation: I have become the tucker-inner of S12 & S10 on a nightly basis. Even though W stays in her lair (aka MBR) right across the hall 99.9% of the time, she basically ignores them. I just walked up from downstairs past her to tell the boys goodnight, give hugs & kisses, and tell them I Love You. Some nights, like tonight, she doesn't even bother to follow behind me.
This is the same woman that has spit numerous times that she was the only one there for all these years. Amazing role reversals. My lost W still puts on the face of control for everyone else. If they only knew how much she was hurting and how checked out she really is.
Nightly Affirmation: I've Got This. My boys need me and I'm the man for them.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Still very disappointed by W's behavior last night. Even in her MLC fog, its not normal for her to ignore her boys and not tell them goodnight. She went straight to her room when we got home last night and watched tv, texted/facebooked for 3 hours alone. Zero interaction with any of us after she retreated. When I came to bed I told her I was going to sleep now and she put her phone away and turned off the light. Strange as well. She didn't try to push my buttons or anything. Weird. But every day is weird at this point.
Weekend plans are awesome. High School football tonight, college football tomorrow, and hopefully movies afterwards. Church and a great message on Sunday. All that followed by one of my favorite weeks of the year: Thanksgiving. Lots to give thanks for this year. As long as whatever I'm doing is with my boys, I'm excited.
State of my world summed up this morning: I get up first, as always. By the time I shower and dress, W's alarm is going off. As I stand in the MBR, she just grunts at me "Off, off." and points at the clock. I hit the snooze and go to get up S12 and S10. S12 rolls out of the bed easily and lets me hug him as soon as his feet hit the floor. S10 doesn't even wait. He smiles when I wake him up and lean in for a kiss on the forehead. He grabs me from the bed and gives me a big hug. We trade ILY's. I head into the bathroom where S12 is getting ready. We trade ILY's at W stands there looking in the mirror. I tell W bye, she looks at me, says bye and I'm off to my day.
Its funny how resilient kids are. I have made changes in myself that they obviously notice (they have told me) and they like. I get more hugs, high fives, kisses, and ILY's than ever. At the same time, the woman that I've known for 20 years is so resistant to accept any change in me. I feel great about where I'm headed. Someday maybe she will feel that way too. If not, I've got the 2 greatest reasons in the world to keep getting better.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
What a wonderful, inspirational post! I too have found this whole journey to be a revelation on how I could have been a better father and have come away with a better sense of how to do that. There have been moments that felt like I was in a video for "cat's in the cradle" and it has been amazing how much the kids have responded when I have stepped up. You are providing your kids what they need most, love and time. No matter how this turns out with your W, this will improve your future with your kids.
Thank you for sharing!
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Still very disappointed by W's behavior last night.
You control that, right?
Quote:
At the same time, the woman that I've known for 20 years is so resistant to accept any change in me.
Same in my sitch, and from what I've read in many places, completely normal...the theory is that women are very, very much more cautious, you have to go longer with MORE CONSISTENCY...before they start to believe...and that seems to play out pretty regularly. Somewhere I read that where it takes a man a month or two to believe a change is real in a R, women, 6 months.
So, to pass on a question I was asked recently..."what's your hurry?"
In business, something great may take months or years to develop, implement and become profitable. Us guys can deal with that, but when it comes to R, not so much, huh? Is there a difference? In reality?
I was doing really well there for awhile, but lately been slipping into "antsy mode" more often than I would prefer. And I know who controls that...
Keep going, keep digging...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I know I control how her actions affect me. I was really more disappointed in the fact that she did that to the boys. If she doesn't love me or whatever, I'm dealing with that. Me losing my W is bad, I don't want my boys to lose connection with their mother.
Consistency is the name of the game. Living my new life and truly owning my changes is what will show her who I am becoming. Bottom line is that I am different. I feel it, my boys acknowledge it, and others do as well. I had an entire room full of coworkers today tell me how great I looked. They commented that I looked great and I looked like I felt better and happier. JF 2.0 is being assimilated.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Dude, I am seriously impressed with your progress, and your openness. Keep doing what you are doing.
I agree with T's post, and I wanted to point out something I see in your posts.
You seem to keep letting some judgment and control seep in. Your W's relationship with your boys is just that....HER relationship to manage. Regardless what you want for her, or your boys, it's out of your hands. You may have to be the rock for them for a while, maybe forever....and that's all you can do. Keep that focus.
You are going to ebb and flow during this, and it really sounds like you get that, and are balancing it, so just stick to it. GAL and think about who you want to show the world. Tis the season buddy, and your kids are always watching whether you see it or not.
