It's Not Over 'Till It's Over

[PatientMan]

Some people are saying that moving out of the home so she can move in would show weakness & that she would lose respect for me, but you could also argue that she would probably be expecting me to resist so not resisting would actually be doing a 180.

You can argue with yourself until you're blue in the face, but what's really going on is your rationalization hamster running on his wheel full speed in your mind. Based on how you've described your W's responses, she is acting very immature and entitled, and she will not see your capitulation of moving out of the house as "love" but as "weakness."

The point is also that she might end up forcing me out in the end anyway, so resisting could cause more problems & still end up with the same result.

Except you would have stood your ground, as a man, and shown that you will not be manipulated, coerced, or guilted into changing your mind from what you think it is right. Once she figures out those tactics won't work, she'll stop using them and life will get easier for you.

Nip it in the bud now. She's being difficult and testing you. Don't fail and make things worse for you down the road. Don't play in "what if" land.

She left. Let her deal with that. If she wants to be ugly about it, let her. That doesn't affect you because you are an emotional rock who is unaffected by her childlike behavior.

Her words and actions don't affect you...got it? You are cool as a cucumber. She does not possess the ability to push your buttons anymore.

Is that clear?

Let me put this bluntly. You are worried about reconciling a relationship that is already dead. Stop doing that. Work on becoming a man only a fool would leave, and make her the fool for leaving you.

You two might have a beautiful relationship in the future, but it can't be based on her guilting you and threatening you and acting like a child throwing a temper tantrum when she doesn't get her way.

Work on you. Read your rules every day until you know them by heart and can live them out confidently.

This is a very long term process. Be prepared for it and patient, ready to weather the intermittent storms that WILL come your way. Here's an abbreviated list of reminders I have kept in my wallet for a long time:

• Be an honorable man.
• Be respectful.
• Be true to yourself.
• Be bold.
• Be a leader.
• Patiently endurance.
• Quiet confidence. Strength.
• NEVER lose your cool.
• Actions >>>>>> words.
• It is never the wrong time to do the right thing.
• A man is not finished when he is defeated. He is finished when he quits.
• "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." - MLK Jr.

Endure well. Expect this to take a while and expect the coming emotional storms. The better prepared you are, the better chance you have at reacting in a manner that coalesces with your long term goals.

Endure well!

-PM

[PatientMan]

I would be very interested to hear anybody's opinion on making your spouse aware of your intentions to become the best person you can be, because it is the right thing to do, regardless of what happens to your relationship.

In my view I don't see that this goes against any of the Divorce Busting principles. It isn't pleading or needy and actually draws their attention to the fact that any changes you are making are not manipulative.

I would be interested to know other peoples views on this.

Don't say a word about it. She doesn't care about intent, she cares about results.

Consistent action over time is what will convince her of your changes.

-PM

[PatientMan]

Edit: my bullet point should read:

• Patient endurance

...not "patiently endurance".

-PM

[Mimi00]

Awesome post PM!

[Fight4MyWife]

PatientMan, thanks for your post, it is very much appreciated. I will read it and re-read it and try to implement it the best I can.

There was a time today where I felt like something had clicked and I felt good & positive, like I was finally able to detach properly. However, at the same time I felt more like I didn't care if my marriage worked out or not and felt like putting up a fight.

I think when I am in fight mode then I find it easier to detach and feel much better, but it also feels that this is not then really divorce busting.

There is a section in The Divorce Remedy regarding the legal system that says "Although protecting oneself is important, some times the very things you do to protect personal interests jeopardize the slightest hope that your partner will remain civil to one another, let alone consider reconciliation.

This is the area I am most struggling with, finding the balance between being strong & detached but not getting into a battle of wills. I find it easier to detach if I give up completely on saving my marriage but difficult to then not do the things that might jeopardize all chances of reconciliation.

I'm not sure how I can become a man only a fool would leave when I am disagreeing with her.

[Fight4MyWife]

I would be very interested to hear anybody's opinion on making your spouse aware of your intentions to become the best person you can be, because it is the right thing to do, regardless of what happens to your relationship.

In my view I don't see that this goes against any of the Divorce Busting principles. It isn't pleading or needy and actually draws their attention to the fact that any changes you are making are not manipulative.

I would be interested to know other peoples views on this.

I have made a huge mistake!!!

After re-reading some sections of Divorce Remedy I have changed my view on this now and believe that it would be a mistake to do this.

After over a month of being very disciplined and having only limited contact with my wife we have now begun discussing issues regarding finances, the home etc.

After our telephone converstion the other day I had lots of emotions and had some thoughts I felt I wanted to get off my chest. I composed an email that was along the lines of letting her know of my intention to become a better person regardless of our relationship.

After reading it a few times and sleeping on it I decided not to send it. However for some stupid reason today, when I was actually feeling stronger, I re-read it and ended up sending it to her.

I wish I hadn't and really regretting this now. I have kind of shown my hand.

[KdogGS]

What's done is done. Can't change it now. Live up to what you wrote in the email through actions. Let her match the words in the email with your everyday actions and attitudes.

Resolve to not make that decision again. I like the 48 hour rule, wait 48 hours, if you still think you have to do it, then reassess if it's going to move you closer to your goals. If not, don't do it.

[jp787]

Sometimes it helps to post what you want to say here

[Fight4MyWife]

For the past few weeks I have been determined, focussed and resilient to see this process through to the end, whatever the end is.

Last week I started this post titled "It's Not Over 'Till It's Over".

This last few days with discussions of mediation, court action & dividing finances & the marital home, it has really started to take it's toll on me.

I feel very stressed with it all.

My wife seems so wrapped up in the whole process and ploughing ahead with her blinkers on, taking advice from friends and family, that she isn't stopping to look up and contemplate what the consequences of her actions might be.

She seems absolutely certain and firmly routed in her stance that this is completely over.

I am starting to wonder if my situation might actually be totally hopeless.

It is also extremely difficult to go through this process and protect myself without causing conflict and tension.

[KdogGS]

Don't give up, keep working on yourself. Be the best person you can coming out of this process. You can only control you, she has to live with her decisions too.