Don't worry Bright. Some of us obviously just think too much, type too fast, and have too much time on our hands (I am including myself in that definition).
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
Thanks for the 2X4’s. I KNOW I screwed up…just couldn’t seem to help it with the texting.
First, uR….this:
"So, what is your stance on ML? If it is your choice to not ML, then that is a boundary you have to place. I can post some info on bounary setting. But be clear that it is to protect you and not to punish him. If you decide you want to be intimate, then you need to explain to him how you feel about how he goes about it.The thing about a boundary is that you have to not cross it otherwise it is useless."
My stance is that I want to keep ML! But, I keep hearing from others that I need to stop that…that it’s cake eating. BUT, I don’t feel used…I feel better when H and I have that connection. And uR, after reading your take on it, I can see that H felt like I was punishing him. I wasn’t trying to…I thought I was avoiding ML to not be a doormat. But, with my H home, and completely willing to ML….I still feel like I want that connection. There are many times, before and after ML, that H and I have some really great, open moments together. So, honestly? I’m not ready to make that a boundary.
I did have a HUGE epiphany on the drive home today. I’d read uR’s comments just before I left work but wanted to think about them before I responded. I was wondering why I feel this overwhelming need to respond to H’s texts.
The 20% of the time that I can resist, I KNOW things go way better between us. The other 80% of the time, it’s like a compulsion. I feel like I just HAVE to respond to H.
I realized two things:
(1)I have a HUGE need to have others like and approve of me. (2)I will do anything to explain my “side” of things when H disagrees with me or doesn’t understand me (which leads to me texting him when I should have stopped).
When I respond to H’s texts, it’s like I feel the need to explain and explain and explain how I feel or why I did something the way I did or why I said what I said, etc. I feel this need to make him see my side of things.
On my drive today, I realized…it just doesn’t matter. H will see what he wants to see. I can’t make him see my side of things, no matter how much I try to explain.
I can’t make him like me, or love me, just by explaining things. Actually, it’s probably pretty annoying to him.
Also, I read a thing awhile back that said, “It’s none of your business what others THINK about you.” That was a huge eye-opener for me. I’m a people pleaser. I want people to like me. I HATE it when someone doesn’t like me or doesn’t approve of me.
But, it was a big step for me today to realize that it is NOT about what other people, including H, think about me. And, it really isn’t any of my concern what others think about me.
I HAVE to focus on making myself a better person for ME…and for my kiddos. Period.
H and I had a pleasant text or two this evening about the kids. And, I let him be the last to text. I won’t text anymore tonight.
This is going to be a struggle for me…but definitely something I have to get a handle on.
Angela, I think you have a better chance to DB your H than some of us here. He obviously reacts to the less attention from you. And he is testing you all the time. Just stand strong.
I was going to jump into the conversation about the trust, but I guess I missed the opportunity.
First, thank you, BF. I am trying to be strong. It is so hard when he is all over the place with his own emotions...but I'll hang in there another day.
And, never worry about when/how you chime in on a topic.
About the trust thing, I totally understand with our kids. My H was not taught the right way to handle children, when he was growing up. His father and step-father both were demeaning and hateful. So, naturally, H thinks it is ok to humiliate and name call and be hateful to discipline our kids. That has always been an issue with us. But, I realize that I have to step back, too, and allow H to find his own way to connect with our kids in a healthy way.
I guess if it was "easy," we wouldn't find ourselves here. Ugh.
