Crimson.....just checkin' in again.

[LITB]

Hey LITB -

Glad to see you here. I often check back in to see if you have posted and haven't seen much of anything recently. Notwithstanding, I hope you are well.

I am well. I needed to redirect my focus on being a single father and utilize my extra time by volunteering. Another project that I am in the midst of, is starting a “Dad’s” program at my children’s school. The whole premise is to encourage other dads/father figures to be more involved with their children. In turn, it keeps me accountable. It has been good for me and my kids.

My sitch (still married, but separated) has remained status quo for awhile, however I am starting to make efforts to move it forward. I just needed to be ready to do it. By what I can gather, I will be single. Of course this happened before and I thought the same thing. Now I have more tools and understanding of what to look for. Anyway...enough about me.

Standing my ground was difficult and remains so. Honestly, I still have this mentality that wants to make sure she is happy. But if I look at it objectively, all that does is mkae things worse. I do it because I want her to know that I am a good guy that is STILL willing to work on our family.....but after while, it gets to a point where I think she is just taking because she knows that she can. Honestly, I have given her my time during the holidays and many other times and that hasn't really brought us closer. It has kept the peace and given her what she wants, but she's still in her condo and I am still in the house. This year I realized that what I was doing wasn't moving the ball forward in our relationship.....just leaving my heartsick without my son.

I think sometimes we become enablers because of the fear of rocking the boat. They will most likely kick and scream when they don’t get their way. So what? Boundaries need to be set. If there are no boundaries, how are they to be respected?

A couple of things that I want to touch on. You mentioned your mentality of wanting to keep her happy. You can walk on water and it might not be enough. Just like it isn’t our responsibility to teach lessons, it isn’t our responsibility to be burdened with trying to maintain their happiness when they are gone. Our only responsibility is to have a cordial and cooperative co-parenting relationship. And as you know, we are each responsible for our own happiness to begin with. Some people go through life seeking it outside of themselves and then there are others unwilling to dig deep to do the work. It is never ending work.

The other thing, you said that you feel heartsick without your son. That is a huge reason to set those boundaries when it comes to your time with him. I am glad that you are sticking to your guns, because that quality time is irreplaceable. I especially enjoyed that you took him to San Diego. Those are memorable times. Ride the momentum of those good times.