I just wanted to let you know that H has been mean all his life. H told me last light that #1 used to tell him that, also. It's an control/abuse thing and it's H way of dealing/not dealing with his feelings. During our conversations H said that he has been hurt in the past and that I hurt him. I told H that I never knew that, that H has never said that he was hurt, has never said that I hurt his feelings ever...he keeps me them so buried and they come out as meanness.
Well H didn't leave during the night last night. I let S sleep with me last night. Got up this morning, told S to go see if his dad was awake. S didn't know daddy was sleeping downstairs last night mainly becuase I didn't want him to go down and bug him so I just changed the subject every time S asked where D was. H was crabby this morning. I was laying in bed, first thing H said was haven't you gotten up to give S medicine? I said not yet..boy H was orney. Cleaned most of the morning, H kept saying things like "did you tell your S I'm leaving" or "did you tell anyone where I was Friday night" I wanted to say "well your standing right here so you haven't left yet"
We did talk the D word Saturday night, they were more words than anything else at this point. But H brought that up today, H is just playing mind games at this point.
H and S went to H's parents today. I went shopping. When I got home H and S were here. H has declared the lower level of the house his for now. Told me I couldn't watch the football game down there. So we got in a little back and forth about who's TV was down there..back and forth..
Quote: He is probably doing well for a while and then the withdrawal hits and he can't handle the symptoms. So he runs to her for a fix and then feels like a failure because he wasn't strong enough to stay away from her. You have to realize that he is not in love with her, but he is addicted to her. That is also another reason you are getting all the anger again. He is failing himself more then he is failing you and this is something that he has to live with every day.
Hmmm...H just had to leave now "for awhile" he said, so I'm just ASSuming he's calling OW or maybe he just needs to get out and think. I did offer to leave with S if that's what he wanted so that he could be by himself. Told him all he had to do was tell me...H said no.
Quote: So don't do anything out of anger because your time for confronting him is going to be coming. You are having to face things in order for you to deal with all the emotions and get through them so when that confrontation time happens, you are very calm. Yet at the same time very firm and loving. Does this make sense to you?
No this doesn't make sense, what kind of confrontation? Last night I kind of threw some things at him that I shouldn't have but did anyway. Some truths that H didn't want to hear. Like his meanness. I don't think H sees the way he reacts/treats me as mean. Because I brought up some of the things he's said to me, that I thought were mean, and he just made it sound like what I was doing bothered him and H was telling me about it. I said well you're mean to me and H said "I'm sorry"
Last night I showed H my vulnerable self, my pain, my true feelings, ME and I think they scared H or confused H. I didn't "act as if" I showed him me and it wasn't pretty. H made some comment about not seeing my like this before, that I never showed my feelings.
When H hid out here for a weekend in December and then left again. I told H he should have seen me after that, I was worse than what I was last night. H wanted to know where son was and I said sleeping. I also told H that crying is good for the sole, and that afterwards I feel stronger, like last night. Once I was done crying, no sobbing I felt better, and pulled mself together. And today I do feel stronger. The "fear" of H is gone. I no longer fear my H's words. It's like H doesn't hold any power over me anymore, H is just a man. I saw my H's real self last night, H's vulnerable side, H is in pain and I saw it last night.
H did say at one point that he wishes he'd never met OW, that he should have just stayed here and been "miserable."
