My question is where do you draw the line and say enough is enough. You don't want to break ties with AP completly because kids play together and you don't wasn't to disrupt him but I can't feet her to understand the pain and lack of trust it creates for me. Not sure if she doesn't or if she does then maybe she does not care. Wants us to spend holidays together with all if her family. Makes absolutely no rationale to me. At the end of my town here and need some help.
You need to decide what your personal boundaries are in this MR. If a third party in the M is a deal breaker, then you need to decide what you will do in response if it continues. Boundaries are to protect you and what you value the most. Boundaries are not used in order to control the other person.
She cannot remain friends with a man she has had an A with, nor can she have any ties/connects with him (such as her kids playing with his). She has already shown how willing she is to put her A above her own child, and this malarkey she's telling you is nothing but WAW garbage. Of course it's not logical or rational, b/c she's not thinking logical. One of the first lessons you need to learn is that you cannot "deal" with her by trying to make her see things rationally. It is impossible. The WAW is all about "feelings". Her emotions will lead her and dictate what she does. That is one reason your talks do no good on her.
I maintain that most women will not have sexual love for two men at the same time. She may be fine remaining best of friends with her H, but doesn't want to end the A. I can't explain it all, (especially in one post), but it may help if you google PEA and see how all this hits her brain to feel the same as when she fell in love. It's very addictive to her and there is even withdrawal if it ends. Read about it to inform yourself with what you are dealing with here.
She has to end the A in order for the MR to succeed. Don't throw ultimatums at her, in hopes she'll do what you want b/c it doesn't work on a WAW. In fact, it will backfire. If you have expressed to her what you cannot live with, or live without, and what you would need to do if she continues contacting OM, you will need to stand behind what you've said. So, be careful what you say when you're angry.
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She attempted suicide later that year, had to keep my sons from seeing that as it was in our home. She told me she was trying to get my attention that she wanted more affection from me.
She would do that to her sons.....to get more affection???? If that is true, then she sounds unstable to care for a 8 yr old boy. I would be more concerned over her suicide attempts than the A (regarding child custody), but that is your business and private decision. I cannot imagine the strain it must place on you to worry about this.
Sometimes we may not know what to tell you to do in your stitch, but we usually can spot what doesn't work....b/c it's been tried too many times by thousands of LBH'S. Just don't feel you are getting beat up. There's a lot of support here and I hope you'll post every day possible, even a short one would keep us updated.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
