So we had another Couples last night and it was so much different, our interactions with each other. So much growth on his side. He truly is becoming this strong, independent person, confident in himself and understanding of things around him. It made me ache for what we could have been.
Our session was open and wholly honest, sharing that neither of us know where this is going and if either of us are going to want to be with the people we are becoming. We had dinner together afterwards and continued to share our honest thoughts and feelings. It's been what I have wanting with him for so long, which makes what I am preparing to say today is just so hard.
I didn't sleep much last night, doing a ton of thinking. The growth we are both experiencing is phenomanal and nothing I would have expected 6 months ago. But I worry that the pressure of us potentially having a relationship at the end of this is hindering our growth. He shared with me that one half of him is ready to move on and the other half still has a foot in this, feeling we never had a fair shot at a relationship the way things started and how they progressed at the time. He doesn't know if he misses me because he is lonely or because he misses me as the person I am and the relationship we had.
I have mentioned letting him go (the whole, if you love something, set it free thing), so he can continue his journey to becoming the man he needs to be without interference by me. He has mentioned that, right now, he isn't capable of giving me all the things I stated I need in a relationship at our last session, but that I deserve all of that.
Part of me wonders if both of us are just hanging on because we are afraid to let go completly. We are going to be talking after work tonight. We had planned on spending thanksgiving cooking together since we had never done that, but both of us had mentioned yesterday that we are fearful of a backslide and messing with the progress we have been making during our separation. I'm thinking the conversation we have tonight is going to be regarding a much more permanent situation.
I'm really sad to think that after all this fighting for my marriage and the growth that we both have been having, that I might not get a chance to actually enjoy a life with this man. Because I have been waiting for three years for this person to emerge, and now that he is, it breaks my heart to think that I am not going to get a chance to enjoy him. That someone else down the line will get to. I know that there are never any absolutes in these situations and I can't control someone else's feelings. I know the right thing to do is to let him go. But it just hurts so much to know this might be it.
I know there aren't a lot of folks who read or comment on my sitch. For those of you who do, thank you.
Do you want to hold on longer or are you ready for something final?
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
I just found your thread for the first time and your story is inspiring (change IS possible) and sad at the same time. Do you feel the need to make a decision right now? Does H? Why can't you continue doing what you are doing, both continue to grow and then, (when you are ready) take a chance and see where it goes?
You sound very wise, your H is growing and becoming the man he should be and wants to be, take your time.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
JP and LTH, Thank you both for responding. And thank you for the kind words.
A couple months ago, I was close to making a final decision. Now, after seeing how much he is changing, I want to stick around, but I don't know if having that hanging over his head is going to help or hurt.
When we talk tonight, I will see if we can continue with our separation the way it is while we both work on each other. I'm not sure where we are headed. I'm in such a better place than I was last year to handle things if we both decide to move on, but I still really want to see us work. But it's going to take time. I just hope he wants to give us that time.
We talked last night and both agreed to continue with the separation through the holidays and reevaluate where we are around the beginning of next year. He thanked me profusely for allowing him this time and space to focus on himself and his issues, so he can become whole again. I really see this suicide loss group affecting him in such a positive way. Letting him take something soul-destroying and turning it into a positive. And I totally understand that he needed to be able to go through all of this on his own, independent, without me there trying to fix things.
He said he is focusing on making his own friends (since he has moved home, he has primarily been around my friend's husbands), finding his own identity outside of us, learning what makes him happy as an individual again, being able to make mistakes and learn from them without me there to see, judge or criticize (I understand his perception as I had gotten this way at a point earlier in our relationship when I was angry and frustrated and not expressing myself well), just generally accepting the hand he was dealt by his abusive, neglectful parents and realizing that he has been treating everyone close to him over the years like an angry, rebellious child. I think these concepts have been very humbling for him and I don't know if he would have ever come to these conclusions on his own if he didn't have the space outside of us to explore that.
He also mentioned many times that he sees the change in me. That I am happy and enjoying life again. That I'm not walking on eggshells around him anymore, the confidence that I used to have has returned and he's happy to see me rediscovering the 'old me'.
He did say that all of the things I said that I needed in a relationship at our last C session are things that he's not sure he is capable of giving to anyone right now. He needs to become a whole person who loves himself again, before he can give me all that I deserve. And I am at a place now where I understand that and want nothing less. I don't want to be with someone who is faking it or isn't willing to treat me as an equal partner. So I am perfectly content to wait it out for a while and see if he finds that within himself. And if he doesn't, I will be very sad...but I will be ok, too. Because I deserve nothing less.
We spent Thanksgiving evening together. He bought the turkey (pre-cooked from Whole Foods) while I made the sides. We ended up doing our own things during the day and just coming together for dinner so as to limit any stressors for both of us. He went to a couple friend's houses, I worked out and rode my horse.
So, dinner turned into spending the whole weekend together. It was comfortable but also felt new. We really felt like two independent, caring people spending time together, instead of our co-dependant selves. I don't know how to describe it except it just felt different.
We are both adamant that we continue with the separation so we can both keep working on ourselves. But having spent the time together this past weekend, it does give me hope. Cautiously. Because we have cycled like this before.
For now, I am going to keep concentrating on me and what brings me happiness while letting him go to do the same. And we'll see where this goes...
You and your H sound like you are both growing and learning. Despite all the difficulties, that is a positive thing and I do hope that you make your way back to each other.
It takes time for emotions to heal. One big lesson that I have learned.
The separation in your case sounds like it has given you both the room to breathe and to take the pressure off. And just think, you get to date your H again!
Wishing you all the very best in the new year and hope to hear that you had a wonderful holiday season together.
Thanks. I needed to read a few of the things you posted, especially about doubt etc.
H and I are taking it slow, still separated. I have thought too about letting him go to work on himself, since their are also things I need that I know, right now, he is unable to supply.
So thanks so much for giving a voice to those thoughts in my head.
