Moving My Picnic Blanket Over Here

[LoisB]

-H is not bringing stuff back home as a S-L-O-W reconnection, but emptying out his apartment here because he is not ever moving back to this country. The stuff he is bringing over is stuff he left behind here. He has duplicate stuff in the country he is in now.
-I want to believe it is a S-l-O-W reconnection, but am afraid to because OW is still in picture.
-H and OW have a 'plan'.
-I am fooling myself and am a fool for standing.
-That I am not strong enough to move forward.
- That I am being mocked and pitied by H and OW.
-That I have not let go enough.
-That H is emotionally in a good place and I am 'using' MLC as an 'excuse'.
-That H thinks I am totally cool with his new lifestyle, including his affair.
-H is not having MLC. There is no confusion. There simply is nothingness for me and what we once had.

Busting,

What about going through these one by one?

H is not bringing stuff back home as a S-L-O-W reconnection, but emptying out his apartment here because he is not ever moving back to this country. The stuff he is bringing over is stuff he left behind here. He has duplicate stuff in the country he is in now.

Honestly, you would have to be a mindreader, psychic, psychoanalyst, male depression expert and man who experienced MLC to even begin to understand his motives.

You have NO control over what he thinks, feels, does, believes, says... The point is moot because you just can't know. Maybe you will know at some point...but, for now, you have to be ok with NOT KNOWING. For all you know, he is bringing stuff back because he wants you to have more stuff! Or maybe he is reconnecting! Who knows. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

-I want to believe it is a S-l-O-W reconnection, but am afraid to because OW is still in picture.

Maybe it is. It's very possible--even with the OW in the picture. Still, what do we know as facts about MLC-ers? They are foggy. They don't plan well. They are forgetful and in some type of foggy state of mind. Maybe, EVEN HE Doesn't know why he bringing stuff over???? Head back to answer number one, above--No way of truly knowing right now. Even if he were to put into words what he was thinking, it may still be as much a mystery as before. His brain is mush.

-H and OW have a 'plan'.Seriously? A plan? YOu have to have a functioning brain to plan. She may have a plan that he is aware of or not. I seriously doubt he has a plan. If he does, it probably changes hour to hour.

-I am fooling myself and am a fool for standing.

Why does standing for your marriage make you a fool? Isn't the definition of a fool someone who does irrational things. Seems to me, your H is more the fool in this equation. Or, at least, he is operating with a fool's mind right now. YOu sound pretty lucid. I suspect you are standing because you have invested a lot in your marriage and partner and hope to have a future together. I don't think that's foolish. I think it sounds normal.

That I am not strong enough to move forward.

Based upon what evidence? Sounds like you have been on your own in a separate country from your H for some time. So, aren't you already moving forward? You have handled it so far and you are still alive. What does it mean to be "strong enough" to move forward? Forward with what? Separation is forward. For today, you ARE handling what's been thrown at you. You aren't under a rock, you are standing and getting stuff done.

You get the idea.

Once I started breaking things down into bite-sized pieces and really exploring my underlying beliefs, I felt better.

Look at it logically.

That I am being mocked and pitied by H and OW. How could you possibly know? Why do we care? I've gotten stuck on this one. One kind of person forms a relationship with a married man with kids? Not a very healthy one. Beyond that, you don't need to know anymore. She is sick and probably mirrors his state of mind right now. You can't because you are healthier. You wouldn't tolerate what she is tolerating. Let them mock, let them stand on their heads. It doesn't make their relationship anymore real. It's still a farce based upon lies and two broken people. Be glad you aren't her.

That H is emotionally in a good place and I am 'using' MLC as an 'excuse'

What are your facts? What does an emotionally healthy guy look like? Is doing stuff that you would qualify as emotionally healthy? He is married and having an affair, right?

Break it down.

Much Love,

Heather