Moving My Picnic Blanket Over Here

[bustingout]

Awww thank you Cadet ((((HUGS)))), Wonka, job, Say, lost, tiger, BF, pud and CC. ((((((((Hugs to you all))))))))

p.s. I LOVE wine :-)

Deep down I know I have the strength for this. Tonight, I am having trouble finding it though.

The facts TODAY (as I know them)....

-H is still having an affair.
-H has brought stuff home (tv, etc).
-H has been noticeably nicer and friendlier. Shares stories. We laugh. responds to texts (99 percent of them about kids).
-H still speaks in terms of 'us' and 'we', and in the same sentence will say 'you and the kids' like he is not a part of the equation.
-H does NOT initiate conversations with me about 'me'. i.e. 'how was your day', etc...
-H is convinced that the political and economic situation in this country is in a downward spiral (it is...) and that we (me and the kids) need to leave in the next year or so. He 'assumes' this would mean we move to the country he is now living in now. (We had this conversation tonight...well, he talked and I listened and validated and told him I would need time to think about what he has said).
-His affair still hurts me and plays on my self esteem and womanhood. I still feel less of a person because of it.
-I have no desire to be in a R right now.
-I sometimes think about running myself.
-I feel there is more I need to work on for me.
-There is something I am still holding on to that I am afraid to let go of but I dont know what it is.
-I still have some social anxiety from all of this.

The SPECULATIONS/DOUBTS (as I speculate/doubt TODAY)

-H is not bringing stuff back home as a S-L-O-W reconnection, but emptying out his apartment here because he is not ever moving back to this country. The stuff he is bringing over is stuff he left behind here. He has duplicate stuff in the country he is in now.
-I want to believe it is a S-l-O-W reconnection, but am afraid to because OW is still in picture.
-H and OW have a 'plan'.
-I am fooling myself and am a fool for standing.
-That I am not strong enough to move forward.
- That I am being mocked and pitied by H and OW.
-That I have not let go enough.
-That H is emotionally in a good place and I am 'using' MLC as an 'excuse'.
-That H thinks I am totally cool with his new lifestyle, including his affair.
-H is not having MLC. There is no confusion. There simply is nothingness for me and what we once had.



Hmmmmm.....That felt good to let it out. Thank you for reading my rants!

love, Busting.

So...what triggered this....

Lets start with this...I am VERY tired. I am organising a conference at school and for the past 10 days have been working on it, including evening events..so am a bit sleep deprived...that means for me...more emotional.

Second...H has been wanting to have this conversation about leaving the country for a while now. Tonight was the first time we had the chance since he arrived. He initiated.

During this conversation one of the things he said was ...'and people are already gossiping that I want to sell the house to get you out. They are saying that "busting's H is selling the house because he has someone in country x and is kicking his wife out of the house in country y"....but you know busting that I dont care about gossip.'

What bugged me is that he is still having an affair. It bugged me because I felt he was trying to plan MY future to fit with HIS needs. That I was just going to move to country x so he would still be able to drop in on the kids while having his affair.

In theory I do not want the kids and H in separate countries..in theory I do not want H and I separated! How do I reconcile the reality of separation and his affair, with still being close enough to H for the kids? I am convinced H is not moving back to this country (HIS country...I came here when we got married)


-I feel