So we had another Couples last night and it was so much different, our interactions with each other. So much growth on his side. He truly is becoming this strong, independent person, confident in himself and understanding of things around him. It made me ache for what we could have been.
Our session was open and wholly honest, sharing that neither of us know where this is going and if either of us are going to want to be with the people we are becoming. We had dinner together afterwards and continued to share our honest thoughts and feelings. It's been what I have wanting with him for so long, which makes what I am preparing to say today is just so hard.
I didn't sleep much last night, doing a ton of thinking. The growth we are both experiencing is phenomanal and nothing I would have expected 6 months ago. But I worry that the pressure of us potentially having a relationship at the end of this is hindering our growth. He shared with me that one half of him is ready to move on and the other half still has a foot in this, feeling we never had a fair shot at a relationship the way things started and how they progressed at the time. He doesn't know if he misses me because he is lonely or because he misses me as the person I am and the relationship we had.
I have mentioned letting him go (the whole, if you love something, set it free thing), so he can continue his journey to becoming the man he needs to be without interference by me. He has mentioned that, right now, he isn't capable of giving me all the things I stated I need in a relationship at our last session, but that I deserve all of that.
Part of me wonders if both of us are just hanging on because we are afraid to let go completly. We are going to be talking after work tonight. We had planned on spending thanksgiving cooking together since we had never done that, but both of us had mentioned yesterday that we are fearful of a backslide and messing with the progress we have been making during our separation. I'm thinking the conversation we have tonight is going to be regarding a much more permanent situation.
I'm really sad to think that after all this fighting for my marriage and the growth that we both have been having, that I might not get a chance to actually enjoy a life with this man. Because I have been waiting for three years for this person to emerge, and now that he is, it breaks my heart to think that I am not going to get a chance to enjoy him. That someone else down the line will get to. I know that there are never any absolutes in these situations and I can't control someone else's feelings. I know the right thing to do is to let him go. But it just hurts so much to know this might be it.
I know there aren't a lot of folks who read or comment on my sitch. For those of you who do, thank you.
