"You're My Best Friend"

[reachingHigher]

Thanks so much everyone! Virtual friendship does have its drawbacks but I have received such valuable advice and support here it's incredible!

I am starting to see that it's always important to CARE, but in a way it's almost better as a caretaker to teach and enable the people in your life to be able to care for themselves and contribute too. If you don't you may actually be robbing them of important lessons in self sufficiency, responsibility, and purpose. I can also see how some of my failure to be as attentive as a W as my H wanted was because I was carrying to much of the burden of the household stuff and parent stuff that I didn't have the time and energy to be a stellar, sexy wife sometimes.

This is a great concept, Tigerlily, thank you! A care-teacher.
I especially like what you pointed out that doing other people's stuff, doesn't allow you to grow. And definitely contributed in our M to lack of attention to some of H's needs.

I think you could have either asked him if you were invited or made the other plans, right? I mean, you dont have to go to everything with him. Especially if you dont really want to go. You have a right to do what you want too.

I could have easily done this. I don't have to STFU any more. We aren't at that place.

You felt stronger because you were in control, you took your power back. Now you are totally letting him lead. Take some control back.

Yes! This is right on target!

Rh, it is ok to put yourself first sometimes. I know you are worried about your marriage and your h. But, it is ok to take care of you.

Thank you for this!

RH,
I do agree w/uR, you need to start being all you can be for yourself. You are very accommodating to your h and that's exactly where you were pre-crisis. This is a new relationship, thus both of you are learning to be better people and this is the time for you to explore what you want to be when you grow up. You and your h do a lot of things together, but you need to be your own independent self in doing some things as well. It will bring more spice to your new life if you had your own interests that are separate from your h's.

What about your real estate license? It's time to get moving on that and you don't have to be away from the home 40 hours a week. After your initial trial period and you begin to gain recognition, you may be able to set your own hours.

Please do not fall back into your old patterns, i.e., your life. You've been given a second chance to do something different and wonderful besides being a mother, homemaker and wife. It's an opportunity to bring to the table your knowledge, independence and yes, interesting things that happen to you during the day. It keeps the spice in life going. Learn to be more independent and do things that you enjoy as well. Both of you need some time to do things separately. Being joined at the hip isn't beginning a new life. Again, you and your h have been given a second chance. Take the gift of time and do something wonderful w/it, not just for your marriage and your h...but for yourself.

Job, this is all great advice ^ ^ ^ ^ !!!!

I was thinking about this all this morning, through tears after reading Job's post, and I see I have been stuck.

Let me show you an example of how I felt "stuck" before:

When I had Baby #2, he was a VBAC and we chose to have him at a birthing center in Fort Lauderdale, where we were living at the time.

After MANY hours of labor and no baby, I was in-and-out of the whirlpool tub many times, it was the wee hours of the morning, I was chewing on ice chips, etc.....but I was stuck!! The midwives sensed something was wrong. What was it, they inquired.

I stated my deep fear about my MIL and how mean she had been to me and I knew she was staying nearby and I was dreading having to see her and this first grandchild for her. (As it was later, MIL refused to pick him up or hold the baby when she first saw him at our house.) H's sister (the one who later died) was pregnant also, at the time, and due a few months later and I knew MIL and sister weren't happy that I got pregnant first. There was a lot of tension there even to the point of them wanting to control what we named the baby.

The midwives, and my H, reassured me they would make things with the MIL easy for me later; I trusted, and completed the delivery with a nearly 10 pound baby, no anesthesia and no episiotomy!

I wrote a poem later about the delivery experience and one of the midwives just starting out on her own asked for permission to use the poem in advertising for her business.

......well.....here I am many years later, and I have that STUCK feeling once again!

I feel like these posts and urging from my dear friends here can get me going again!

I have taken the real estate test twice from the technical school and failed twice. I feel I can pass the test...and do the job... but have a mental block somehow.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Last night, H came home just after bedtime and cuddled with me and told me all about his evening with a going-away party for one of his drinking friends. It was a calm, nice event with about 10 of them.

After he went to sleep I laid wide awake thinking about ME! Who I am, who I want to be, etc. Couldn't go to sleep till after 1:30 am and woke up wide awake before 5 am!

I do feel the push from you all here; (to use a metaphor from the delivery analogy) I do feel what you all are saying is absolutely right! I do trust you! I am ready to move forward just like I did when I was working on saving my M.

I do understand about not falling back into the same routine, same pattern, same ways of behaving.

My H has expressed trust and value in me. It's not at all like he is a stumbling block. He is as ready for me to get on with my life as anyone could. He has been patient and kind. But he doesn't want me to be a doormat either! He wants something and someone who can stand their own ground next to him.

I'm ready to roll up my sleeves and get working on it! Thank you so much!