SM34's Post

[SM34]

Accuray, sorry i did not respond to this message two and a half months when you wrote it. To be honest, I felt from the responses i was getting, that there was a serious flaw with my reasoning and probably with my attitude....so..

I took MORE time off from the board to focus on healing myself and letting go of these feelings of resentment. The feelings that i had made a huge mistake by marrying an american and being the first person in my entire extended family to do so. It will get me no where, what happened has already happened.

You are right in your example of a terrible spouse, I would absolutely recommend leaving the marriage. And it does happen n our culture too, when there are drugs or gambling going on the family will stand by the hurt spouse to leave that situation if the other spouse doesn't work on it.

I guess my argument would be that those situatuons are few are far between. In order to be such a terrible spouse you generally had to have had a very chaotic upbringing so because the culture is largely family based, this is a rare occurence I think. I'm not an expert, this is just my observation.

It may be clearly now to you and mrbond where my resentment lies. It is not that western culture is so terrible or that marriages here are doomed to fail, it is several issues from my perspective...

1) by marrying an american, especially one who comes from a chaotic background, I seriously reduced the chance at having a successful marriage. Or atleast it may the need to work hard at it that much more important.

2) accuray I think you will like and appraciate this second problem I am in because you seem to have done a lot of research and thinking into this specific problem. By marrying and american I put myself automatically in the 'one down' position in the marriage. This is crucial in way it failed!! I come from a family where no one is divorced and I don't want to be the first, and she comes from a family who's motto is if it doesn't make you happy, leave. She comes from a society where divorce is supported when you are not happy and I don't. And she knows all of this. So, from the start of our marriage i have had to tread lightly and she has the free pass to stomp on me if she wants to. You see where this has created a huge power imbalance?

I want it so much more than her! And that is what i was subconsiously blaming on this society and lashing out. It took me a few months but i managed to pin point this issue. I have to thank you, accuray, because i read your posts every night religiously, and you opened my eyes to this dynamic.

I have since read 'love must be tough' and also read a lot of stuff online that pertains to power in a marriage. The imbalance has to be corrected before we can hav any future together. The strange thing is, in some ways I feel like she knows this and is subconciously trying to force a correction. Could this be true?

I think I'm going to start a new thread within the next week or so. I've reached a different level or understnding now and I need to start a fresh. Would love some indepth discussions with accuray and anyone else who enjoys this theory of power imbalance so I hope to see you all on my new thread to explore this.

Comments welcome and encouraged.