Moved Back from Overseas to Figure This Out...

[S4tk]

Labug - thank you for your input. I get what you are saying, but aren't DB and DR (to a certain extent) "tactical" books/ideas designed to improve ourselves, which may lead to the spouse changing as well, and thus potentially save our M's?

Change yourself, the R changes, doesn't mean the other person changes. We have no control over others. If you're making changes not because you think you need to but simply to try to get your W back, the changes won't be authentic and won't stick. That's a tactic.

I don't think this is entirely true. DR is filled with examples where Michele helps one spouse "experiment" with something designed to change the behavior of the spouse. I do definitely agree that the internal changes won't "stick" as you wrote, unless we own the change. I both agree and disagree here.


Looking deep inside yourself and finding things that need to change and changing them because you want to be a better man, husband, father-that's not a tactic, that's growth.

agree. Critical self-reflection has been happening within me the last four months, but especially the last 2 months.

I am thinking about control a lot, and some examples of what that might look like. For example, a few months before BD, W had decided to delete her Facebook account. She actually did it. I, not knowing she could reverse the decision for up to a month (Facebook rules), was a little annoyed with her doing it without telling me because we worked for the same organization, and keeping connected to others through FB was important for our fundraising efforts. When she found out about my annoyance, she reinstated her account.

We didn't mention it since. I guess I can fathom the idea of it as control, but I think control is such a hard thing to define.

We can't control others. That's really hard to accept for a lot of people, I know it was for me. I loved to control things and I was very good at it. For me it was under the guise of "helping" or "making sure everything goes OK" or things weren't moving fast enough for me, etc I've learned over these last 2-3 years that unless people specifically ask me for help or to make decisions for them, I need to leave them alone.

Again, agree and disagree. In a family, there is a spectrum where offering to help can range from control on one hand to neglect on the other. In a business, the spectrum goes from micromanagement on the one hand, to poor leadership on the other.

You said yourself in your first post that you were a "fix-it" person, what kinds of things did you find it necessary to fix?

I think here your question is something I need to consider more. I believe that my fix-it tendencies, when they manifest, are actually selfish attempts to not let life get overwhelming... to make life "easier" on everyone. I do see the control in this idea. Thanks for pointing that out labug.

Tell us more about your day-to-day household life. How was money handled, who bought groceries, how were chores accomplished, who was responsible for childcare, how was the decision to move back to the states made, where is your W's family, did your W have a lot of friends, a support system? Do you have a temper?

I was working 9-6 most days. I took D5 to preschool, picked her up and brought her home around 3 and headed back to work until about 5-6. Some days I bought groceries and came home to cook (maybe a third of the time), a third of the time we made something easy for dinner, and a third of the time we ate out. We bought had credit cards for the same accounts and I did pay bills once a month but rarely said anything about spending unless I noticed something unusual.

W was/is a SAHM and a good one. She was even wanting to home school up until BD. I tried not to push that idea one way or another because I knew it would affect her day-to-day much more than mine. Because things were so affordable OS, we hired someone to clean the place once a week. Other chores were split, but she did more being SAHM.

The decision to the States was made because W was having severe anxiety attacks and insomnia and basically had a kind of demand list. It felt like ultimatums.

W's family lives in Europe, in a different country from the one we were living. She has never considered moving back there. She has a strained R with them due to several factors. W did have 4-5 great friends OS, here in the States only 1-2. I have encouraged her to get involved in different things to meet more friends, but never pushed since it is her life.

I don't have a temper. Fights never got physical, and rarely involved raised voices. Never any name calling. But I do like to talk things through comprehensively and she prefers to avoid conflict. I believe this was a major source of stress for her, and in these instances I did probably control things because I hate avoidance.

Even DR has a step called, "Ask for what you want." What is the difference? Where does it become control?

Asking for what you want...how does that equate to control? Asking means just that, asking. The person you are asking is able to decide whether they want to honor your request or not.

Expecting compliance is control.

Agree. I believe that W sensed that I always expected compliance even when much of the time I was just asking or suggesting something. But I need to think about this more.


A final note, I sense a bit of defensiveness in your response to me. I don't take it personally at all, but if what I'm sensing is true, figure out why you feel that way. It's your internal compass and will lead you to things you should look at more closely.

labug, thank you for responding. I don't think I displayed defensiveness. I simply think things through quite a bit and found myself disagreeing or questioning some of the statements. Hopefully that is OK.

This process is a series of steps and the first step is honesty.

final note. Labug, thank you for posting and I welcome you to keep commenting on my sitch. I appreciate it.