wife hardens heart-6

[MrBond]

Oh and by the way, it's not a culture thing if that's what you're going to use as an excuse. Healthy parenting is parenting. Period.

[planet]

I understand. I regret hitting them after the deed.
You are correct, it is mostly out of frustration.

I will research further on how to communicate with children.

[MrBond]

This is something you should talk to your W about as well. It's a serious matter and spanking very rarely results in well mannered children - only bullies.

[planet]

I read the emails that XW sent me in just a month before the bomb. I listen to the song she sent. It was a heartfelt song about withdrawal. It was all there in my inbox and I never bothered to really 'read' and understood them.

She did desperately reach out then. The final one was the one after our trip with OM.

I have been so careless. Withdraw too much. Just didn't know what I want. I have been so unhappy with her. Felt like she didn't understand me.

Now things have changed completely in just few months. Everything moved at such speed.
Today the regret is unbearable. If I only have 'woken up' earlier. Just a month earlier will do.

[2ndTimeHurt]

So both of you spank your kids? You do understand that you don't need to discipline them physically. I can tell you that doing so WILL NOT make them stop their behavior.

My W and I have never physically hurt our kids as discipline and they are extremely well mannered. The problem is that you are blaming the kids for misbehaving when in your case the blame falls on you and your W.

You both hit them out of frustration because you can't think of any better way to discipline them. Have you and your W EVER tried reading and actually Practicing good parenting techniques? It sounds like the two of you haven't done the work for that either.

The problem is that if your W believes in caning them, so will the OM. How would you like it when the OM starts beating them too?

Both of you need to learn how to be good parents.

Totally agree here!!! I've been hit by my dad growing up and let me tell you it's not something you easily forget or forgive.

They are just kids and have no clue how to relieve their frustrations. That's all it is when they "act" up. You're teaching them that it's ok to act up by hitting them. They see you getting frustrated so you hit them. You don't know what else to do. You're an adult, learn a way to get past this frustration. Kids don't know any better and need a good role model to teach them that there are healthier ways to relieve tension.

Toddlers aren't smart enough to learn just with verbal commands. It will take years and years for them to realise that you are teaching them something by remaining calm and caring. It seems easier to remain calm and caring around kids. They just don't really know better or have any past issues they need to work through. Spouses on the other hand..... Haha.

[2ndTimeHurt]

This is something you should talk to your W about as well. It's a serious matter and spanking very rarely results in well mannered children - only bullies.

Bullies or people with "rage" issues:)

[PatientMan]

I disagree with the "no spanking" crowd. I have used spanking, or other physical contact, to punish or get the attention of a belligerent child.

Granted, I have only spanked very few times in all of my years of parenting, and spanking itself is a LRT meant for a younger child. A slight pinch or a flick to the thigh are good attention getters so things don't escalate.

So are non-contact strategies that have long been forgotten, such as forcing a child to stand in a corner, or leaving a tantrum throwing toddler in the grocery aisle and moving along to the next aisle, or sitting down right next to them and throwing a tantrum right along with them to show them what they look like. And, if course, nothing works quite like an unending glare from dad (The examples are endless.)

I've used countless techniques over the years, I just don't demonize physical contact. I DO demonize physical contact when the correcting parent is not in a calm state and is acting out of anger or frustration. That's where things cross the line.

That said, if someone canes my daughter - OM for example - he won't do it twice. That correction is MY job, and the reckoning I would bring down on that person would be unforgettable.

There is a lot to bat back and forth on this topic, so I don't mean to detract, just giving my two cents.

-PM

[T1000]

I rarely use spanking on my kids but I have from time to time. I prefer not to where possible.

I was spanked as a child. I was definitely not a bully or had/have rage issues.

[labug]

Physical violence is physical violence.

What would you do if your wife or another adult peat you?

What would you learn?

[labug]

beat you