The Dance

[uRworthy]

I am incredibly needy for validation and love from another person. . My mother talks about me constantly when in groups. I know that she loves me because of the way she talks about me. She has never been one to say ILY or give hugs or affection. I understand why I feel the need for all if that.

Sorry. Think I may have spilled too much for now. Mach's post from earlier today has me really searching.

First of all, dont apologize for sharing your thoughts, J. That's what we are all here for - to help, to support, to hit with 2 x 4s LOL!

I think that up there ^^^ is important stuff. My mother was the same. Never said ILY, no hugs, no affection. So, I hear you on that. I think you need to keep going with this, J.

Let me ask you, were you validated when your wife made you feel loved?
How did that feel? Was it enough? How did it validate you?

Dig in here, my friend. The only way to do it, is through it.

[JFun51]

I'm not sure I have felt really loved by W in a lot of years. Never told me she was proud of my work, never told me I was attractive, never initiated ML or any intimacy at all, can't tell you the last time she said ILY, very seldom thanks me for anything around the house, etc.

I have spent the last 10 years poured into my work and receiving most of those things there. No ML, of course. I've been completely faithful. I guess all if us need to feel worth something and appreciated.

[Truegritter]

Follow this J.

Dig.

It was very helpful for me to identify my fears.

[Mach1]

OK. Only because you asked so nicely Pud. I will have to admit that I believe I am selfish and self centered. My parents never had a life to themselves, it was all about me. I like things that I like. I like having my stuff and if someone else gets something, I feel like I'm entitled to it. I've never really said it with words, but my actions have shown it. I believe I need to work on being more giving of my stuff, my time, and my emotional energy.

Allrightythen.....

So what can you do to turn entitled JF, into humble JF ???

From what I have heard, there is this "tradition" thing next Thursday morning....<sarcasm intended for effect>

What could you do, to

A-start a new tradition

B-do something to change your views

C-show your sons what it feels like to give unconditionally

D-Feel the gift of sharing

What if...JF was to get up early, and take himself(+2) to the homeless shelter and serve for the morning ???

Drop something off in the Toys-for-Tots barrel ?

Buy a $20 gift card at your local quick shop and leave it with the cashier for the next 20 coffee purchases ???


How could you rock your comfort zone a bit ???

[JFun51]

Beating you to it Mach. Picked up 2 Angels off our tree at church Sunday morning. Will be buying Christmas presents for 2 underprivileged children in our community. W did this years ago. I helped the boys pick out the child and we will all go as a family to buy the gifts. already been looking in the sale papers for things to fill out those two lists.

This capacity is in me. In my professional life, I get credit for a lot of other people's work, and I spend most of my time deflecting it and making sure to recognize those that are helpful. I have always thought of myself as a worker bee. One that loves to put in the work and enjoy the finished product when its done.

As for Thursday Morning, I'll put on my thinking cap.

[JFun51]

Just finished a 3 mile run. Have missed 3 days of running/working out since 5k Saturday morning. Exercise is a great outlet. It's such a great way to clear your thoughts and really focus. Sometimes being at this for several months makes me forget some of the basics. Exercise, eat good, sleep good, take care of yourself.

I'm ready for a night full of whatever at this point. Feel the best right now that I've felt in 3 days. I would have never believed this 6 months ago.

[Pudmuddle]

Yay! You sound so good!

I'm glad my last post got you thinking. And like uR said, don't apologize for what you post. I know it's hard to bear all that and put it out there, but you are strong, strong, strong for doing that.

I haven't jogged since Sunday...Boooo! It's been too cold and dark out. But alas, NO EXCUSES. Ok, you made me want to go out tonight and jog even if it is cold and dark... ooooooeeeeeeoooooo.

Thanks, I think,

[JFun51]

Follow this J.

Dig.

It was very helpful for me to identify my fears.

OK. Lots of thinking over the last couple of days. You guys are getting in my head.

Here goes: After BD, we had lots of talk time before I found this place and figured out how to find direction in things. One particular conversation really cut me deep and struck a nerve. Our MC asked us to make a list of reasons we fell in love with one another. W had a hard time coming up with anything. (No surprise) We talked about things later and I told her all kinds of things I loved about her. As she struggled, our convo went like this:

JF: Do you think I just came along at the right time?

W: IDK. Maybe. I've never needed anyone. (Big Badge of Honor for her)

JF: Was it just time for you to start a family?

W: I didn't want to have kids when I was in my 30's.

JF: If you can't even remember why you loved me, and you never need anyone else, why didn't you just go to a sperm bank?

W: Cause that's not what you're supposed to do. : (

I almost puked at that response. You talk about feeling absolutely unloved, unneeded, and worthless. That took me to a very dark place.

I'm not sure I've felt really loved by anyone besides my sons in a long time. This is surely part of the reason that I arrived at the level if disappointment I did in our M. I simply found satisfaction in my job where I was needed and was appreciated.

[tigerlily78]

Jfun,

I can totally relate to what you said about finding satisfaction and appreciation in your job, since it seemed lacking in your Marriage. I did the same, except with volunteer work. Of course now I see that if I had perhaps been a little more deliberate in showing my H appreciation and satisfaction with his contributions to the M, that he probably might have been more prone to reciprocate. Maybe not, but surely it was a cycle we both fed into... taking each other for granted, not giving or getting the appreciation we felt we deserved.

[JFun51]

Why is it that I feel worse right now when W is being nice and cordial?

I felt better a couple of weeks ago when I didn't like her very much and I was able to distant myself from her. I have felt myself slipping back into "old life" over the past few days. She has been friendly and cordial, but still obsessed with her phone and her privacy. Some days I'd like to destroy that darn phone and put a hole in the TV in our MBR. What would she do then?

This is backsliding I suppose. I gotta keep fighting and detach. Work on me. Plenty of weeds to dig up in my garden.