Thanks to everyone for their responses, I have really enjoyed reading them.
Hi Cat ~
First, I'm sorry to hear about your surrogate daughter. Truly, I am. Having faith can get you through the darkest of times. I hope it will carry you and your family through this.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You said a lot of good things in your post. I have thought about all of them.
"If your expectations are high that things are going to be suddenly better, that there is going to be a huge gesture that suggests committment, you are going to be let down. I think many of us expect something grandiose, like BD was. And that doesn't happen. The relationship will slowly evolve if it is going to.
If you allow it to..."
Very true. Which is why I have decided to give it some time to see what happens. On the other hand, one or both of us could get stuck in this holding pattern. That's not something I'm interested in, not how I want to live. He's gotta do what he's gotta do to work through everything. I get that. But I also have to do what I feel is best for me and my boys .
"From what I am reading, you are still very angry about the A and you, maybe not consciously, seem to want to punish him for that.
Doing that, won't get you very far."
I am still angry about the ongoing affair. Absolutely. I have been honest about that, have never tried to deny it or hide it in any way.
I have thought about the concept of "punishment" for a long time, it's been a discussion around here before.You are right, that wouldn't get me very far. Did I ever want to punish him? Yes, in the beginning when I first found out about the affair. It was a huge emotional blow. I wanted him to feel as hurt as I did.
But now... I don't want to punish him. What do I want? I want him to understand how deeply he has hurt me, to understand the enormity of what he has done. I want him to understand my point of view.
Maybe this is something that he will never be able to do. I realize this is a possibility. But it is something I would need to move forward in a new R. I'm not going to dismiss all my feelings, or pretend the past two years didn't happen.
"What are you waiting for?
Not forgiving him, is not going to help you in the long run.
You can't simply believe that you will be able to forgive him, you need to do it.
If you can't, don't want to, are waiting for some sign before you try...
Then you are wasting your time."
I don't think I'm "waiting" for anything.
While forgiveness in and of itself IS a choice, like everything else, it is a process too. I think believing that you can forgive your spouse is the first step in that process. Right now, the wound is still open, the hurt still festering. Though I have already decided in my mind things I will be able to let go. There are other things I'm still thinking about.
I want to forgive him, I do. Why else would I still be here? But I'm just not there yet - and I don't think that is wrong in any way.
Just as he will get to where he needs to be in his own time, so will I.
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
