Fog City Coaster continues

[2ndtimearoundCA]

W canceled tonite due to work. The last three times we got together there was no rescheduling, but prior to that, she would cancel and reschedule almost every time due to work.

She asked if I would take a raincheck. I said "of course. You'll have to take me to (restaurant x)".

Early on in our dating she stood me up once and she made up for it by taking me to (restaurant x)

[2ndtimearoundCA]

In my previous post I left out that I contacted her to ask if we were still on because I hadn't heard from her. That's when she said she had been working with her boss all day and lost track of everything else and that she was sorry and asked if she could give me the raincheck.

Anyway, she responded to my last text about the restaurant suggestion with a simple "yes".

So now is it up to me to come up with a time? What can I do differently?

[JayMan]

Set up a Friday/Saturday night where work won't interfere?

[2ndtimearoundCA]

@Jon... That is exactly what I was thinking so I sent a text suggesting that we hang out over the weekend to fit better with her work schedule.

I had previously felt like weekends were maybe too "real date" like. But we need to move forward at some point.

Here is how the exchange went

Me: I was thinking maybe we should hang out on the weekend and that would be easier on your work schedule.

Her: been working thru the weekends. It's crazy. Hopefully as we approach the holiday season work will lighten up a little

Me: hopefully all your bosses don't hover too much on the weekends... If you can take a break, I can provide great stress relief

Her: going to (home town) this weekend and next.

I did not respond. I said before that I think that there may be some sort of OM in her hometown. Of course that is mind reading.

On Monday She sent the happy birthday wish and asked me for drinks on Wednesday. She is too busy Wednesday and cancels. Seems like she wouldn't want to have drinks with me if she is involved with an OM. I probably pursued too much in this exchange. I will back off now. And so a few more weeks will go by before we can get together.

[25yearsmlc]

Home with sick D16 ... We'll watch some movies or something... Excitement. it's my week with the kids so Xw1 got to go with s14 to football while get the the sick one ....

Oh wow, you need an attitude adjustment.

I would have seen this^^ as an opportunity to be a GREAT FATHER (and what woman is not attracted to that?)

and take care of your sick d. ENJOY That role b/c it's going to be permanently gone soon...and you already are divorced from her mother or never married her?

I have to ask if you are close to your kids at all. And since it sounds as if you are not, then I'd have to say you don't seem close to anyone in your family.

What's up with that? What was your family of origin like? Were your parents in love or very caring or close? Siblings? Any Life long friends?

I think you kind of blew that night, imo. And so of course your d felt "well enough" to go out with her peeps, (perhaps after seeing your reaction to caring for her.She wants to be taken care of too. Maybe you just don't do that "caring for others" thing. If so, you might want to work on that before you get into any other relationships or have other kids. It's pretty fundamental to people.

I just had surgery 2 weeks ago and it requires zero weight bearing for 6 weeks. VERY inconvenient and hard on me and not easy on my family. My h took 2 weeks off, my d24 is off this weekend and I'm getting better on the wheelchair, etc.

Point being, I needed to be cared for even if I did not want it. But those first few days, I needed and wanted it. And it mattered that I had people caring for me. If my h had not shown up for me, I would have been very hurt and my kids would have been horrified. This stuff gets noticed.

Last year my then 15 y/o d had her tonsils out. When our son26 volunteered to care for her so I could do a project the next day, d15 said "no i feel really sick and only mom can take care of me now".

That really touched me and it meant a lot to HER that I was there. Do not gloss over how much it would have mattered to your d to have you there for her fully present just giving and loving HER. Nothing expected in return. Just you giving.

Does that sound foreign to you? Do you make an effort in your parenting? Do you believe your kids would say "yes" to that question if I asked them how you are?

Why didn't you get in your PJs and let her be on the pull out sofa and watch the movies together with popcorn or soup and tea for her?

Man I just see this as a missed opportunity...again.

You have to spot those and act on them. Start now.

[25yearsmlc]

In my previous post I left out that I contacted her to ask if we were still on because I hadn't heard from her. That's when she said she had been working with her boss all day and lost track of everything else and that she was sorry and asked if she could give me the raincheck.

Anyway, she responded to my last text about the restaurant suggestion with a simple "yes".

So now is it up to me to come up with a time? What can I do differently?

Geez, why not make a real request?

Like INVITE her AND the kids to the dang Nutcracker. Take your kids and a friend if your wife declines. Do not invest in your w's reaction. Do not put great weight on her response and keep it light. You never made it happen before but now you are.

If she declines and you go, that's GREAT and it's JUST FINE...talk about a 180. YOU doing something without her...!!! It's all good!

Oh, but you have to go and enjoy it, AND take your kids as if they matter a lot too. It's a classic Christmas event your kids may not realize but they WILL get something out of it. My kids never regret going to the theater or seeing live performances. Too powerful to ignore or blow off.

If need be, Make it a dinner thing too, so they go somewhere they love as well as seeing the Nutcracker.

Come on, you can get this. Stop staring at your feet dawdling & wondering like a boy in high school asking her to the prom...

make a choice and if it's wrong, then learn from it and don't repeat it and then DROP it.

But this NON decision making and all the reasons you find to "give her space" (which all equate to making little effort on your end) is not getting you anywhere...i can't say it's working...

but then you jam so much meaning into such little visible effort from you--the texts with odd endings that do not really say anything. All superficial. I don't think you have a problem being too light with her...on the contrary.

I don't think it's fair to you or her to keep things so UNsaid.

Be braver.

The worst that can happen is that she ends it finally, for some reason OR more of what is happening now, which is you dangle and make no progress...

I think by doing nothing and having nothing finalized, you are telling yourself there is still hope b/c there is no visible movement, although there is also no visible anything...

But merely having no movement does not mean there is hope.

I think IF there is a chance for you two, she must imagine a different kind of marriage. In other words,

your wife has to see differences in Your behavior.

I don't see any. Do you?

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Happy Turkey Day everyone!!

Thanks for checking in 25!!

I have not spoken a lot about my family here.. So what better time than the present!!

I will respond to the second post later today or tomorrow.

I spent 7 hours in the car yesterday with D16 driving up to the mountains to spend the Holliday with my family. It was a good bonding experience for D16 and I. S14 chose to stay home with his mom, and we will miss him, but it was a great opportunity for D16 and I to bond in the car. And since she drives now, we were able to split the load.

17 family member will be crowding into our vacation home for the Holiday this year. I have a great family. I am the only one divorced in my family. My parents have been married 53 years and are still going strong; my maternal grandparents made it 70 years (living a long life helps!!)

Both kids will be with me for Christmas this year and we will be in the mountains again. Hopefully there will be more snow and we can vein in some skiing and boarding.

I have both my kids from my first M every other week and we have a great relationship. We typically do one outing each time I have them. Last weekend we went to see the new hunger games movie.

I do the typical parent stuff. I helped coach little league, i try and stay involved. Two years ago w and I were in charge of my kid's schools major event.

When w left, she completely cut off my entire family. My kids are a little bitter about it and we would all need to go to counseling if out relationship were to ever R. Only my sister has attempted to remain in contact with W with little success.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

In my previous post I left out that I contacted her to ask if we were still on because I hadn't heard from her. That's when she said she had been working with her boss all day and lost track of everything else and that she was sorry and asked if she could give me the raincheck.

Anyway, she responded to my last text about the restaurant suggestion with a simple "yes".

So now is it up to me to come up with a time? What can I do differently?

Geez, why not make a real request?

Like INVITE her AND the kids to the dang Nutcracker. Take your kids and a friend if your wife declines. Do not invest in your w's reaction. Do not put great weight on her response and keep it light. You never made it happen before but now you are.

If she declines and you go, that's GREAT and it's JUST FINE...talk about a 180. YOU doing something without her...!!! It's all good!

Oh, but you have to go and enjoy it, AND take your kids as if they matter a lot too. It's a classic Christmas event your kids may not realize but they WILL get something out of it. My kids never regret going to the theater or seeing live performances. Too powerful to ignore or blow off.

If need be, Make it a dinner thing too, so they go somewhere they love as well as seeing the Nutcracker.

Come on, you can get this. Stop staring at your feet dawdling & wondering like a boy in high school asking her to the prom...

make a choice and if it's wrong, then learn from it and don't repeat it and then DROP it.

But this NON decision making and all the reasons you find to "give her space" (which all equate to making little effort on your end) is not getting you anywhere...i can't say it's working...

but then you jam so much meaning into such little visible effort from you--the texts with odd endings that do not really say anything. All superficial. I don't think you have a problem being too light with her...on the contrary.

I don't think it's fair to you or her to keep things so UNsaid.

Be braver.

The worst that can happen is that she ends it finally, for some reason OR more of what is happening now, which is you dangle and make no progress...

I think by doing nothing and having nothing finalized, you are telling yourself there is still hope b/c there is no visible movement, although there is also no visible anything...

But merely having no movement does not mean there is hope.

I think IF there is a chance for you two, she must imagine a different kind of marriage. In other words,

your wife has to see differences in Your behavior.

I don't see any. Do you?

I don't see progress, but my gut says right now that w is pulling back and I need to give her space. Maybe that is the easy way out and I need to be brave. But I think I need to trust my gut on some level.

Had w followed thru and taken me to drinks, I think the nutcracker invite would have been a great chance to take.

I have been brave in the past. Recall the Vegas invite. She said yes and canceled at the last minute. There was a window open at that time and I took a chance. I will take more chances but I need to strike when the iron is hot.

When I suggested the weekend to get together (see two posts back), she first said that she is working and then when I pushed it she said she was going to home town. That interaction felt odd to me. Whatever is going on with her, I cannot get in the way.

Today I sent a simple happy thanksgiving text and have not gotten a response (I don't know for sure that she got it or that I would receive a response even if she sent one because reception is horrible where I am. But Most likely she did get it and did not respond.) Nonetheless, she will reach out to me if she wants contact with me at this point.

I will ask her to see the nutcracker if she follows thru with the drinks invite or makes some other friendly contact. If she doesn't, that means to me that she needs some space for a while. I think she will reach out again, but possibly not until after the holidays.

If she has an OM in her home town, I may be losing her for good. But I don't think pursuing her will help me. If anything I think it will hurt. I think that even possibly my happy thanksgiving text may have been a bad idea.

If she is just going to spend time with friends and family and working in all her spare time then I am not totally sure the best plan of action, but I think that she would at least say happy thanksgiving back to me or even just on her own if she wasn't taking space from me.

I think I need to focus on how to act if she does make contact. I definitely need to change things up and figure out how to be different.

And I need to make some long term goals for me.

[FlyOnTheWall]

How ya doing 2ta,

I know these holidays really can make things tough in our own minds, I've been struggling mightily myself a bit lately as Christmas bears down. Xmas was always my favorite day or the year, and I always went ALL out.

Hope your doing well..........

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Thanks for checking in Fly!!

The holidays are tough. On Sunday night my cousins and aunt and uncle brought over decorations and a tree to set up Christmas at my house knowing that my w probably took all the Christmas stuff with her when she left. They also probably thought I might have a difficult time doing it on my own.

My situation is sort of in a dip since w and I had dinner a few months ago. She sort of peaked through the door on for my birthday, saw I was still there and then backed off again. She asked me out for drinks and has yet to follow thru. I read the advice that 25 gives me and I want so much to act, but when w won't even respond to a happy thanksgiving text I don't think asking her to the ballet is a good idea.

Since w never changed her address, her mail is starting to pile up so she needs to make contact soon. I even have her car registration stickers.