Hi all. I'm new here.

[2ndTimeHurt]

"Disrespectful behavior comes to mind."

That's a vague statement. Disrespectful behavior is different for everyone. What one person considers disrspectful, another might not.

"Mind reading also comes to mind."

Again, that's a little vague and honestly all couples are guilty of this to a certain extent.

Maybe be a little more specific.

"Getting angry because I ask about my son bothers me. But getting angry to defend my son against a wrongful act(may not be black and white) towards him is fine by me."

Again, I don't understand what you mean here. Do you mean she gets mad when you ask about your son? How and what about do you ask her? Sometimes your tone has alot to do with how someone reacts to you. Plus you can't base things on her current emotional state. Was this something that always happened?

Those statements were intentionally vague because I don't think in black or white. I can't just say a particular behavior bothers me because it depends on context.

Ok I don't want to generalize. There have been numerous occasions in the past(early relationship) where I wasn't being congruent with my tone and words. I've managed to become aware of that so I'm conscious about those things now(for the most part). This issues has been an ongoing theme in our relationship. It's not just with me that she does this. Ie. her friends may stop talking to her for whatever reason. She will make up a story in her head why they stopped talking. She told me they were starting rumors about her. I asked if she actually heard anything. She said no. I tried validating her as best I could but it was difficult. I just said that it [censored] and I can understand that she feels upset. The other example was about my son and the seatbelt. I calmly asked if he was wearing a seatbelt. No anger no accusing, just a neutral statement if was he wearing his seatbelt. Based on her life experiences she decides to view comments like that as attacks on her. Clearly she could've said no, but she got mad instead and accused me of calling her a bad mother. I've never said that about her. I always tell her we are both amazing parents.

Her current emotional state(when she's amped up with emotions) is something I'm aware of. My IC says she has "my name"-glasses on. Meaning she will view everything about me in a negative light. It's the resentment. But even when she is calm, me asking something is still a trigger. She's told me stories from her past where she quit playing soccer because she didnt agree with what her coach was saying. I see it plenty of times after we leave her sister's house. She'll get upset at what was said and I'm there too but I don't see why she would get mad. Then she tells me they're probably thinking this or that.


Again, I agree I was not congruent in the past relationship. I'm much better now at being congruent but her past history prevents her from seeing me as neutral. And yes, she has told me that as well.