"You're My Best Friend"

[Mtnman]

Stay strong rH! You've got this.

[reachingHigher]

Thanks Mtnman

Today went so much better. I acted "as if" things were sweet and good between H and me, except I didn't text much or do any pursuing behaviors.

I thought a lot about Mach1's post on another thread.

I remembered how in 2007, when H's sister died and his mom and niece lived with us for 6 months, long before H & I knew MLC was anything but a joke, I remembered how H said he was treating me like he s/b treating his mom (since she was acting terrible) and he was treating her like he s/b treating me since I was trying to be sweet and kind.

He admitted he was treating me like an angry adolescent would treat his mom but he seemed powerless to stop.

So...this weekend, when he recalled his mom's poor choice in his sister's final hours of life...maybe it was attaching a proper emotion to the proper place?

Admitting his mom did wrong? And it's okay now?

His whole family seemed to blame me for being alive still since they adored his sister so much. Maybe H had or has yet to work through that too?

Also, I saw that after grasping some important concepts about the truth of death,, the next day, H makes plans without me. Space, he is saying, I need space!

So....whether or not Cookout Girl attends this event is immaterial. My job is to work on me.

It occurs to me it wouldn't be all bad if Cookout Girl shows her true colors. H told me she hasn't been to the gym for a long time and is returning to who she was before she started her cosmetic and behavior changes of MLC. He gave me the impression it wasn't too attractive.

He also stressed also how bossy she was. They would attend gym classes together and she would tell him to pick up different weights than he had selected. So she would feel that his physique was due to HER expertise.

It's not like I have any desire to ever see her again, but I s'pose it's gonna happen.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I had a great yearly checkup today. My doctor kept saying "you look great"; well she was comparing it to a year ago for my yearly check and my STD check. I must've looked like death warmed over, lol!

She asked about H & me. I said H was home and happy. She said, with her doctorly wisdom, what about you?

I said proudly I went to the gym 5 days a week! She said a glow of health has returned to me. This helped a LOT with my confidence!

So....I'll just continue to be pleasant and low-key with H. We are both enjoying a glass of wine this evening and he seems okay now. Not stressed or anything.

And I'm feeling very happy and productive

[reachingHigher]

So...I gave H more space today and he came to me after work today and wanted to talk.

It's so different when you are working on your R. My H sees me withdrawing as a sign something is wrong and he wants to fix it!

So we had a calm, pleasant talk.

It wasn't so much of a "state of the union" talk as it was a discussion of these last couple ripples and why they happened, how each of us felt, and what we can do to fix it in the future. Nice.

I actually asked him playfully as we were done talking, if he still thought I was attractive! Not recommended in first stages of DBing! He said, oh yes! And I asked if I looked "old" to him. (A great fear of mine since I am older than he is.). He looked at me and said older, but you never look old to me. Whew!

It is nice to get to this stage and have these minor issues to talk out. I'm afraid my fears are much blown out of proportion to the actual incidents. It's hard keeping the fears in check and I'm desperately wanting them to atrophy already!

We are having a quiet, pleasant evening and I am so glad I did back up a bit and then we could talk -- with HIM initiating. My plan is to be a bit more mysterious, although still loving and sweet. I think most men would like that tactic anyway!

Thanks for following along!

[reachingHigher]

H & I took both boys bowling this evening. It was S14's first time ever and it was a relief for him that we were the only customers at the bowling alley! Lol! He got a strike the third frame, which helped his confidence though!

Our family hasn't done very much together at at all this year so I was so glad to have an activity that we all enjoyed. We've played tennis a few times but not much other than that.

I had asked numerous times to go bowling with the boys but they always said no. I think for a while they just couldn't stand to be with us, and didn't want to go with only one parent either.

As kids grow up there is less they do with their parents, I know, but there is no doubt MLC has had a huge impact on our family.

I did find out both boys will be home for Christmas (I am delighted) and we're all four going to a sister's house for Thanksgiving. (Different sister than last year)

Things are going smoothly with H & me. He was flirty and fun at the bowling alley.

[tigerlily78]

I enjoyed reading your update. How nice that you will get to spend the holidays together. I hope the smoothness continues. Stories like yours filled with progress are such a source of hope to those of us just beginning this journey.

[Ambivalent]

High RH

Just got caught up on your progress. You are doing very well.

I get the privacy thing, especially when trust is very delicate.

Cell phones are wonderful in one area, and anxiety provoking in others.

I just had my first hit of phone anxiety today. Trying not to spiral and not to let it get to me.

Hurts, but I'm going to stay very quiet through the weekend. Let him deal with him knowing I know about a "Julie".

Would you take a peek, at my posts? When you are not experiencing marital bliss?

Thanks!

[reachingHigher]

Hi tigerlily! Thanks for your post! I'm so glad you find some encourgement here. There is a wealth of support and insight to be gathered here on this forum and in the archives. I am so sorry you are at a place you have to be here....but I know you will be okay as you journey .

Hi Ambiv!

I will sit down and digest your sitch tonight or tomorrow and get back with you. It's scary having a name to apply to a fear: Julie.

I can tell you there were a lot of strange things I saw on our computers until my H got better at hiding things. Risqué pics of him in the photo galleries (he claims they were to send to me), emails from strange women names insinuating they were having affairs with my H. When I would question him about it, the emails would disappear. I know he had another private third email account, etc... so many things to make one wonder.

Just summarizing in my mind what helped me in general, since a year ago at this time, I had signed D papers.

From the suggestions and help here on this forum:

1) hired a DB coach, 3 sessions, although one is better than none.

2) identified areas where I had failed in the M and gave specific heartfelt apologies to H and changed my ways in those areas

3) always tried to look good, smell good, etc.

4) tried to give as much freedom as possible. He admitted to his C this was the case "my W has not denied me anything."

5) had fully accepted we were going to D

6) tried to identify what my H's major issue was and trigger (trigger was sister's death and issue is who is in control of his life). It helped me with compassion.

7) tried to stick to the DB program as much as I could

Just some things off the top of my head that did have an impact on our sitch. Sitting in limbo land feeling like a doormat is awful. These were specific things I did that helped us along and would like to thnk they helped my H as much as me.

Hang in there, girl!

[Ambivalent]

Thank you for your response. You are my mentor (whether you know it or not) along with Snodderly of course ;D

I'm going to copy and paste your list, and email it to myself.

I look forward to hearing back after you have chewed upon it.

Thanks.

[Ambivalent]

Oh my gosh, I just noticed you and I are the exact same age! Funny I didn't pick up on that before.

[reachingHigher]

Just now, I was looking for an email my H sent me in October of last year. I saw some of our emails back and forth about our impending D at that time.

It was so weird to read these communications.

Like November 28 we are discussing the drafts and final copy of D decree, when and where H would sign it. Expecting him to sign Dec. 27 and be final January 2. Pleasant, polite and kind emails.

Interspersed with emails from me like "H, Lands' End has a 30% off sale this weekend, no shipping cost. Do you wanna order with me and the boys?"

And ones from him "I'd like to see S13 play tennis and will meet you at the courts at 5 pm."

Is that strange or what?

~ ~ ~ ~

Then, he asks to delay the D on December 24, and I sent him an email on December 26 describing some of the stages of MLC according to Hearts' Blessing. His response: Thank you ever so much. You can't know how much that means to me.

I thought for some posters here struggling right now with spouses in replay, this could be some encouragement.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

TVS and Heather,

Thank you for your encouraging comments on TVS's thread. I've been feeling so weak. Yes, I need some healing and don't know exactly how to go about it. I feel pretty wornout in a lot of ways.

I've reviewed some material I downloaded from the Internet in September on increasing self-esteem.

My goal with H right now is to just let him be who he wants to be. To love him and not to try to change him. To respect him and support his goals and dreams.

My goal with me is to build my self-confidence and inner strength.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

H told me yesterday about a birthday party on this coming Sunday for a guy friend. He didn't really say if I was invited or not. He had been snippy last week with me and said outright that the reason I wasn't going to the college football game he attended last week was that I wasn't invited. Usually he isn't rude like that.

So I was treading lightly about this birthday party and told him if it was this Sunday I was going to buy a ticket for myself to a live local concert. He asked why. Didn't I want to go to the birthday party? I said I did but hadn't been invited. (Btw, the MC told me to take advantage of opportunities when H invites me to social gatherings. Even if it puts me out of my comfort zone.)

Well, he said I was invited and then we discussed particulars about the party. It sounded like some of the same group of drinking friends. He and his other buddy are planning on getting this birthday boy (age 42) a gym membership.

Should I get a Mylar balloon that says "Happy Birthday"? H said we don't hafta bring food or drinks. And just contribute some $ for the cake. I wanted to bring something special. Am I far enuf out on the fringe of this group that nothing would be expected? A bottle of wine, maybe?

I'm expecting this to be a much smaller crowd than the cookout this summer. And frankly, I am shocked H is inviting me. I'll have to be on my best behavior (no catty remarks from me no matter WHAT I hear) and I want to dress looking great!

I'm thinkin' slim black pants with casual calf-high boots and a nice sweater. And a big pretty smile for everyone I talk to