I had major sleeping problems at first and after a little time I decided just to get the best of it. So instead of lying in bed and turning my body round and round I decided to get up and get busy!
Today I sleep like a baby most days and now I miss the extra hours
You are doing just fine – keep pushing!
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
3, I feel you on the sleeping trouble. It's like adding insult to injury, having so much to deal with emotionally and then being unable to get enough sleep to be able to deal with it. I wish I had an answer for you. Have you tried doing some journaling right before you go to sleep?
Quote:
But you know what ... my current life is a million times better than the life I was living just one year ago. I feel like a completely different person. I am strong and confident. I am happy with my little family. Dont get me wrong, I am still traumatized by the current state of my marriage and the loss of my best friend. But I would not go back to my life last year.
Good for you, 3! You are amazingly strong, both for setting your boundaries with H, and for recognizing what is hard to admit - that things are better now.
I don't know how to dx your H with his problems and bad behavior over the past couple of years. But I don't think that I have ever read any posts where you have said that he was out getting drunk or acting recklessly. He always sounds like a family man to me. (Well, as much of a FM as one can be while up and leaving his family.) With your boundaries, he seems to be respectful. Do you think that H has done some work on himself during this time? Do you ever talk about what happened over the past couple of years?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Despite our conversation this weekend, my H texts me every night and asks whether I want him to come early in the morning to watch the kids so I can go to work early. The last two nights I did not respond because I had already gone to bed. H called me this morning because he was worried because I did not write him back last night. It was not intentional but a change in my normal pattern.
He said that he understands why I asked for it, but thinks that it would be better for me to go into work early. I told him that I needed it to be this way for now. Maybe this will end his daily inquiries?
Melissa - I do believe that my H has done work on himself during this time. Things started to change at the end of September for both of us. I finally picked myself off the floor and really started DBing.
H also stared IC in September. Prior to IC, H was only discussing our situation with his mom and the OW (I am pretty sure he was not getting great advice from her). I am hopeful that he has made some progress with his IC. He says that he likes going which is a start.
H's case involving his DUI was also finalized. He finally had to face the consequences which he had been putting off for a while. As a result, his social life has been affected because he does not have the freedom. The issues with his prior job were also finally resolved in September. Everything that we had been stressed about (minus the A) was finally over.
Beginning in October, H started to spend quality time with the kids. H started interacting with our baby (who he pretty much ignored since he was born). H started helping around the house. It was as if he finally realized that there were other people besides himself. H wants to spend time as a family (this coming from a man that worked every single day, including weekends, during my 12 week maternity leave to avoid having to spend time with us).
When I look at him know, it is hard for me to even remember all the crap that he pulled the last two years.
I have hope that if he has made these changes with respect to the himself, the kids and the family, there is still a chance that his stance on me will change. I know that it could take a really long time (if ever) because he has a ton of anger and resentment built up, but I am willing to give him space and time.
Uhh.. H keeps trying to push my boundaries. He is watching the kids at my house tonight. It is his normal night. Our son is sick so they are just hanging out at home. I ran home to get my stuff for yoga. H asked if he could watch a show on DVR in my room. I told him he could watch tonight but that he needs to set it up on another TV for next time (my boundary was that I need the master bedroom to be mine). H got annoyed and said "only tonight. Nevermind. I will just stay downstairs with the boys and go back down after I put them to sleep. " Normally I would try to talk to him to make things "better" but I didn't. I just let it go and said "have fun. I will be back after yoga."
I am respecting h and giving him space. Interesting that he is having a hard time doing the same.
I love it, 3. He's all about getting his own space, but doesn't like it now that the shoe is on the other foot. Good for you for enforcing your boundaries.
And even better for you for not trying to fix H's annoyance. First, because you don't need to fix everything for him, and better yet, because now, since you said nothing annoyed/rude/snide back, now he can only focus on his own bad behavior.
How is it going with enforcing boundaries? Does it feel good? Do you feel strong about it? Is it hard?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
When I look at him know, it is hard for me to even remember all the crap that he pulled the last two years.
I have hope that if he has made these changes with respect to the himself, the kids and the family, there is still a chance that his stance on me will change. I know that it could take a really long time (if ever) because he has a ton of anger and resentment built up, but I am willing to give him space and time.
Well, everyone is different and on his/her own timeline for such things, but I submit that if you are able to see him as a totally different person in just a few short months, that gives reason he can, at some point, do the same with respect to you.
It sounds like your H is making good progress . . . fingers crossed it continues!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Of COURSE he is trying to push your boundaries. You have always given him what he wants in the past, at your expense. I think you did quite well not to let him push the MBR issue. He got the message.
He is having a hard time with it because you have always let him back in before. Ha! and now you are not. Good for you, 3!
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Thank you all so much for taking the time to read my thread and for the support. I cannot even begin to imagine where I would be if I had not found this site.
M - It is hard to enforce the boundaries because I actually want H to lay in my room and watch shows like "old times." I would do anything to spend every night as a family. But I know that I need to give up some things in the short term if I have any hope of reaching my long term goal.
I feel empowered. I think that I have taken a step off of my H's roller coaster. I still have bad days, but I don't feel like my life is completely out of control. I have taken away most of the things that my H blamed for the demise of our marriage and for his A. Maybe now, H will have to take a look at himself. But if he does not, at least I know that I will be ok.
I have a great book recommendation:
This Is Not the Story You Think It Is...: A Season of Unlikely Happiness by Laura Munson
It took me a bit to get into it (she gives a lot of background about her life), but it is excellent. I have it on CD and listen to it in the car. Without knowing it, she is totally DBing. It is awesome to hear how she responds to her H and how she keeps her emotions at bay. Her H goes through the say script that most of our S have told us. She talks about validating, living her life as if.
When her husband told her that he is no longer in love with her and not sure that he ever way, she simply responded "I dont buy it." I think the same thing every time my husband says he does not love me and every time I listen to his version of our history that he has rewritten. While I know that he may currently believe this to be true, I just dont buy it.
I don't think that my H listens to me at all. I was at work and picked up my work phone to make a call and there was no dial tone. My H was on the other end. I guess he called at the exact moment I picked up the phone. I asked if everything was ok and he says yes.
He called to ask if we had the movie Hunger Games on DVD. If he had sent a text I would have ignored it because it is not important and/or does not really require me to respond. He went on talking about the movie and said that he would pick it up. Since I was already on the phone, I tried to be friendly and just said that I had no idea (because I really dont).
Other than simply not answering the phone (which I did not mean to do this time), what else can I do to enforce my boundary that I don't want to be friends while he is with OW? I dont want to talk about this stupid movie because it is the last one that we went to together and I hate that I cant go to the new one with him. I hate that I have to wonder whether he will take OW. AHAHA. I hate this....
