The Big Hill

[tigerlily78]

I am glad for you Pud. Hugs sure are nice, aren't they? Everyone has good advice to manage your expectations, every day is a new day and the roller coaster never stays in the levels. Hopefully this IS a sign though that you are headed toward the kiddie coaster.

[Underdog]

Pud,

I haven't posted in awhile because you really seem to be moving forward in a healthy fashion. You've really embraced the DB concepts, and while I know this isn't fast enough for your liking, the pace is exactly what you need if you're going to win this race down the road.

I'm really encouraged by your H's responses to you. No matter what fog he's in and how confused he is, he seems to understand that his actions have hurt you, and he... gulp... actually behaves as if he cares. That's way more than what most people get.

I applaud you for keeping the door open and checking your old behaviors from lurking to the forefront. Baby steps, baby.

Let any reconnection happen at its own pace.

Keep up the good work! I'm proud of you.

Betsey

p.s. DBing your boss shows me you get this. Pretty soon, you'll use these techniques on your teenager. Then you've cracked the code!

[Ab Fab]

Wow, you seem to be doing so well, and not just with your H - you are spreading the DB'ing around... Keep up the good work.

Thanks for dropping in on my thread. I guess I just have to accept that today is "one of those days" and hope tomorrow brings something better.

[Feenix]

Wow, Pud!!! Two hugs and some real concern shown to you. That is GREAT.

And, I second everyone else....don't overthink it..enjoy it...and keep DBing!

You really are a great example to me! You're doing great with your H.

And, I forgot to comment yesterday about it, but I am so sorry about your dad. It sounds like you were close...and I can't imagine how hard that is for you. I hope that you are better today.

Keep it up, girl! HUGS!!!

[Pudmuddle]

Thanks a bunch Betsey for checking in on me. It's hard to know if the concern is real or not...more below in my most recent rant.

Aa, thanks for stopping by. We all have the ups and downs too, we can't be sunshine and rainbows all the time especially with all the traumatic stress we are going through too. Let yourself be down once in a while, it helps to heal.

Ang, I try not to overthink this, but as we all know that is DIFFICULT. See rant below.


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Just kickin' around some thoughts today.

Have a very slight cold/sinus thing going on, but it seems to be affecting my mood. So I've been very quiet and introspective the past few days.

Since my H has given me two seriously good hugs lately, it kind of got my mind to racing. About what? Well, I am having issues with trusting what I am seeing right now. Perhaps trusting myself enough to know if he is pulling one over on me again or if it is on the path to sincerity.

For those of you that don't know, he had done this type of A awhile ago, but back when we were attempting to have an open relationship. I see now, since he initiated this OR request, that this was his way of cheating on me but making it look like it was ok. This was his way of dealing with when I attempted to have an EA with someone at work because I was so lonely for my H emotionally. (Didn't work by the way, one-sided on my part, but still the attempt was hurtful). I honestly thought at the time that the open relationship was an experiment on his part to find what he was looking for. But after we had decided, yes both together, that this was not what our marriage should be built on, nor did we believe it made either of us feel any better, he chose to continue seeing someone behind my back and did so in secrecy for quite a while, without my knowing. I trusted him to believe in what we had told each other., that we would never do this to each other again because it felt so awful.

After I discovered his 1st A, I at the time decided to continue seeing a divorced male friend from work. Hence we both had PAs. Mine was more of a revenge A because I was so hurt by H. After I found out about H's 1st A, and then the months that followed where I was db'ing and he wanted to return, he stopped seeing her and broke it off. The guy I was with saw me more as a booty call and would call occasionally and I took a few months to break it off with him, after my H broke his A off. (Plus the guy was a complete mental case about R's).

I think H was hurt that I took awhile to let go of this guy but he never told me this and I was insensitive to his feelings too because of the hurt inside. Because a few months after I had closed that chapter, he mentioned that a female friend of his at work asked if we were still in an OR, and he said yes! And they had discussions on how to get together and have s3x, which never transpired because she ended up moving out of state. But still at that point, I was more than hurt and betrayed.

So at this point, I'm like wtf? I keep thinking we are done with his way of handling hurt and pain by running off with others and then I get another bomb in my face. I think, no I know, that I did not like myself enough at that time (7 years ago) to know what my values were and I was so mixed up by his choices of having an OR and seeing OW and all the secrecy and lies.

So fast forward, here we are again. Our marriage was going downhill and he again chooses to solve OUR issues by running off with someone else because they had a 'mutual attraction'. wtf. People say he doesn't 'choose' this behavior and I find that very difficult to understand. Doesn't he choose to deal with his pain by finding someone outside the marriage for a temporary bandaid?

And the idea that he has done this more than once is a disturbing pattern to me. Will he ever find it in himself to really look deep inside and WANT to fix those things that are painful and hurting? I am not sure. At this point, I don't trust that he knows how to fix this in himself. Or how to even begin doing this.

So I am more worried about knowing how to set boundaries with him again, IF we should get to a reconciliation point and have those boundaries actually mean something to him this time. I can see now that in the past I was not strong enough to set boundaries with him. Even though I do remember discussing boundaries with him, it's like it didn't stick somehow. For example, when I had told him weeks ago that if he wanted this lifestyle he needed to move out and live it, he never did anything about it. He is still here, he is still (appearing) happy as a clam, and as far as I know, still seeing Floormop...So does he not take me seriously about having boundaries that we both must agree to? Is it something I portray that he doesn't take our marriage seriously anymore? I wonder about this because it did not seem to take last time and I don't want to repeat this again.

This is why I have such a strong urge to set more boundaries with him. To show him that I am serious about our marriage and serious about him working through this in his own way, but getting some help for his runaway issues. Ick.

Any comments, deep questions or experiences on this welcome.

[Feenix]

Pud!LOL!

I just read what you posted on my thread...so had to come see what you posted about trust!

tigerlily was quite good, I think, at pointing out that it has to be participation from both partners to work on the trust thing. We want to trust our H's and have them trust us...but if they aren't willing to work on it.....well, duh....we can't do that part by ourselves. Good stuff.

I so badly want to just jump in there and make my H start wanting to be trusted again, etc....and my H is not ready for that step, at all.

And, about this:

We all have the ups and downs too, we can't be sunshine and rainbows all the time...

Well, I don't know about y'all, but I just have freakin' sunshine and rainbows coming out my @$$ all the time! LOL!!! NOT!

[Pudmuddle]

LOL!!! I know, that was weird to read almost the same thing on your thread! Haha

Yes, I think tiger said it very succinctly, yet again.

I don't think my H was ever 100% back in our marriage even 7 years ago. Maybe at first, but then he had old pain pop back up and coped with it, yet again, in all the wrong ways.

SIGH. I feel like my journey is the Hobbit's Journey, lasting forever and fighting many a battle with all kinds of strange enemies.

[Pudmuddle]

I think I just answered my own last rant on Ang's thread so I am going to post it here, LOL!

Hey Ang, I had a thought while rereading your and my thread again.

I am in the same boat as you in that I forgive my H but I don't trust and respect him a lot yet. Since the trust is way harder, for me anyway, to regain I thought I would try rebuilding the respect with my H. I can show him that he can trust ME by rebuilding my sense of respect for HIM and showing him bits of respect.

For example, I have started showing more respect for him in areas of talking to and disciplining our S when we have issues or discussions with S. I no longer but in to their heated discussions, I just let them go until they solve it in their own way. I don't always agree with H and the way he communicates things but this is his issue to solve.

When H and I have a discussion before talking to our S, and come to an agreement on what to say and do when we talk with him, I tell H that 'I trust him to relay the information to S'. And then I sit back and let him relay the information, and I do not butt in or interfere, unless I have something to add from my own angle. I try not to side with S as I did in the past. I felt like I was protecting him before, but I was also disrespecting H by not working with him to come to agreements.
Doing this has shown my H that I trust him to communicate, solve his own issues and show respect by being 'one' parent when talking with S. It means we are working together. Also if H comes to me with an issue about S, I say 'Well what do you think we should do?' Showing him that I respect his opinion.

This approach has resulted in my H talking to me much more openly about S and his issues. For me this looks like a start to us working on our issues when H feels more comfortable and feels like I respect him more than I did in the past. To me him feeling like I respect him can lead to him trusting me again, and hence me trusting him,...someday. wink

I hope this helps you to see what I am getting at. Lots of runon sentences, lol, but I am speaking from the heart and not the brain.

And I think I just answered my own questions I had on my thread. LOL!!!!

Happy Days Ang! You really are starting to heal and process.

[Pudmuddle]

Just had a flirty, sorta, text exchange with my H. Sigh.

He asked about picking up our S tonight. I texted back that I would pick him up at 6 on way home from work.

I then thought about what my coach said, to try new things and see what happens.

So I sent back: How was work? Coldie? Heard it was s'psed to snow tonight.

H: It was the same...Yep, can't seem to get comfortable warm.

M: Need some footie jammies? lol

H: What are you saying waldo jammies?

(This was in reference to his Halloween costume, he was where's waldo)

M: LOL!! That would be hilarious!

So some nice, fun, silly convo. Another positive.

I'm positive I want more! LOL!!!

[tigerlily78]

Yay.

I love to see the positives. I am SO glad this wasn't a text I got from my H. I don't think I could have resisted the urge to tell him I know of a good way to get warmed up. LOL.

Rawr!