Thanks for the positives I really appreciate it, especially when I know you have the same issues.
You are right I imagine all sorts of things. Need to stop. Even if it is all happening there is nothing I can do about it and it just makes me crazy. Realisitic goals are probably what I need maybe not so much focused on getting the mariage back on track and more on me. At the moment they are all looking for positive signs from him and I am not really seeing them. I think he rang because he feels guilty that I am here alone. When I say alone I really mean alone, new area, don't speak the language, no social contacts outside work, no family closer than a 20 hour flight..ALONE Have to stop feeling sorry for myself. I am having a great pity party this weekend! I was positive and happy when we talked, said I was going out Sunday, he sounded angry about that too. He also said he wasn't sure if he would come down next weekend. I would like to have something definite otherwise I spend the week waiting and then having nothing organised and nothing to do. But if I ask it is pursuing..... Need to focus on ME ! Agreed Good luck with the new job.. though is this a good time to be changing I ask myself... yet another stress?? What do you think mustardseed.
So it has been a long long week and it is only Wednesday. He said he slept all weekend... He was not on any electronic devices so i believe him.. I wonder what happened to this OW??
He is so ashamed of seeing her.. Wonder how that makes her feel?
Sounds like he is not coming down this weekend. Feels like he is just going to retreat step by step and never have a discussion about it. Which leaves me in limbo and that really sux. he redirected his post then denied it, changed his car registration, bought my favourite wine and took it to his apartment. We have not talked about the R since he said he wanted time and space and to live for himself. and working on the marriage wouldn't work for him
I do not know where that leaves me at all really. Luckily I don't have Thanksgiving as a holiday to think about I am guessing I will be alone that weekend as well. But I do have Christmas and that is loomimg large- 2 weeks here alone .. not any fun and everyone I know is already organised..
I am not contacting him unless I have to ( I had a letter from the electricity people asking me to unplug the solar electricity. I had to email to ask how to do that). We talked for about 3 minutes last Saturday and exchanged a couple of texts Sunday and he answered the email about the electricity but not about weekend plans.
So I was too controlling and I am trying to not control but I also want to plan for my weekends.. Do I just plan to be away and if he says he is planning on coming down say sorry no! I won't be here. Would be a good 180. I have not spent the week waiting for him but it has still been a tough week. I hate living alone, really hate it. I have way too much time on my hands... I run for kilometers and walk the dog for hours- now I am being told I am losing too much weight- never thought that would be possible.
He always sounds irritated when we speak and is super stressed when he is here --- Guess it is better he doesn't come then???? Is that controlling to say don't come down if it doesn't make you happy??? I have booked another coaching session.. I am just confused and I hate that
You need to plan your life as if H is not a part of it. Don't ask your H what his weekend plans are any more. Start planning your weekends. If H comes into town, you can tell him that you have plans and/or he is free to join if YOU want to extend the invitation. Continue with your plans regardless of how H's responds and don't let his response both you.
Having a life helps on so many different levels. It helps improve your mood and make you not feel so lonely and dependent on H. It is a 180, which may cause H to take notice.
I spend 2 years waiting on my H to decide his plans before making my own plans. I am now living my life for myself and the kids. Now H has to rearrange his schedule if he want to do something that we have already planned. This has been hard for me because I don't have a ton of friends. But I force myself to look at the calendar and plan something each weekend.
Although it is hard, you need to stop worrying about how he feels. Do not try and control whether or not he comes into town. Do not even mention it to him. Plan your life.
You will be happier. And it may even have a positive effect on your H.
You need to plan your life as if H is not a part of it. Don't ask your H what his weekend plans are any more. Start planning your weekends. If H comes into town, you can tell him that you have plans and/or he is free to join if YOU want to extend the invitation. Continue with your plans regardless of how H's responds and don't let his response both you.
Thanks for the feedback.. I sort of know that just living alone makes it hard..lots of excuses if I want to make them..so need to move on.. I think what I really find hard is I am here with an enormous house and garden and physically can't do all that is needed to maintain it..and this doesn't even seem to be something he thinks of. If I spend all of every weekend in the garden I could stay on top of it but some of the work is too heavy and high for me.. but then the inside needs work as well and again it takes forever to just do the every day clean. I can't afford a gardener or cleaner. It is so demoralising to see it becoming untidy and uncared for.. so there is also a responsibility factor here that he has walked away from.. though I read that other people do that with their children which is worse.
enough complaining. He said he would call Friday.. let's see if he does amazing to see what a barefaced liar he has become.. about stupid things.. that he is obviously lying about I don't know why he bothers...or maybe he has always been a liar and was just better at it.. now I am getting bitter and twisted.. need to stop
You need to establish a plan for yourself that you can handle with respect to the house and garden. Breakdown the activities so that you can handle a little at a time and things don't get overwhelming. Do you have any friends that can assist? You can offer to make dinner if they help you for a bit and turn it into an activity. I know that it so hard because your H just walked away for all responsibilities. But don't let it cause you to become bitter.
Allow yourself to be angry and sad, but don't let it hold you down. More fast it and figure out a plan. I often tell myself to imagine what people do in a situation where they lose their spouse to death. I ask myself, what would I do if my H was gone. I would be feeling different emotions, but I would still have to keep moving forward.
The more time you spend taking control and not thinking about the anger and the bitterness, the better you will feel. I had to fake it (and still do), but I will say that I am happier more often. The pain comes and goes faster and less oftern. You will get there.
I hear you and I know I need to take charge I think what is hard is he has not said anything.. he just does things, takes things from the house and doesn't say.. redirecting his post.He has not ever said how he thinks we should be living or thinking or planning. I have no idea of his intentions actually. Just seems like he wants to drop out of the scene and not talk at all.. If I ask for a plan that is pursuing.. if I don't then I can not prepare myself for what is to come. and I know GAL but if we are selling the house... I can not afford the repayments alone and would need somewhere to live If we are selling then I have to get rid of my dog He has made his own bank account and is putting part of his salary there but still makes the house repayments-he earns 6 times what I do at the moment so obviously he is doing some thinking..ahead
I do think about how it would be different if he had died but then at least I would have a truth to deal with and would not be hoping the man I knew who was thoughtful and kind would be back
I don't want to have that conversation on the telephone, actually don't want that conversation at all as I know once he has said some thng he will stick to it whether he changes his mind later or not.
I don't want him to be controling my life and I am moving away but there are really big barriers to letting go.. How lo the one thought in my g does it take? I am so tired of this feeling and the one thought in my head. I try to repalce it with positives or deal with it by journalling but it does not work so well...
so when he says tomorrow that he is not coming down for the weekend and probably that he is also not here at Christmas.. how do I react ( especially as he knows that I will be alone here for 2 weeks over Christmas and New year. Any friends or colleagues I have are all going home for Christmas or away ) I know how to react- no begging or pleading do I ask about his plans for moving on or just let him disappear piece by piece.. Do I ask is he ever planning to be here to help with this house that he used to love?
I would like to have no expecatations of him but the fact is I need to have some idea of his thinking so I can plan alittle.
I guess I am just trying to sort out my thoughts. All this would be easier if I was in my own country..with family and friends.. it really is tough being so alone and needing to write on forums to get any sort of clarity in my thoughts
It has been 8 weks Is it too early to expect these things?
I would like to have no expecatations of him but the fact is I need to have some idea of his thinking so I can plan alittle.
I am a super planner. I mean, it's my favorite thing to do. Usually I pack my calendar full of stuff, and well in advance. I have gotten to the point where now I can only plan about 48 hours in advance. (And some of those plans I have to play by ear depending on how I feel at the moment.) I despise uncertainty. It is killing me. But . . . I do not ask H, because I know that he is not in a place to R right now. So if I force the issue, the answer will have to be D. And that is NOT what I want. I count each day that he doesn't mention D, or that he says he has hope we can fix things, as a great day.
I think the forcing the issue is a bad idea, if you think there is any chance of saving your M. I know it's incredibly difficult to have such an uncertain future, but it's the nature of the beast, if you decide you are going to DB.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
exactly my thinking on a good day If force the issue then he will decide on D
I hate the uncertainty but you are right..there is really no other option. This is hard work. When is your family heading out to the event? I will be thinking of you.. I will have time. What are your plans for the days?
I can run 5 k without a break now.. thinnest I have been in 30 years. Funny I used to think " I would be so happy if I could weigh 55 kilos" well I am less than that and not happy. Funny how your priorities change.
Leaving town next weekend ..with my luck he will decide to visit.. too bad I am not here. He can look after the dog actually I don't trust him to look after the dog, I have friends to do that.
Hi! I saw your post on my threat. Thanks for stopping by In your post, you mentioned that you wanted to talk to someone reading your situation. I think that it is ok to pick a few select people to tell what is going on. You really do need that outlet. But I do not recommend that you speak with your H's sister.
My H's sister is one of my closest friends. We literally talked every day for over a year because we were both trying to get pregnant, dealing with miscarriages and eventually expecting babies less than a month apart. But our relationship changed because of our sitch. At the end of the day, H and his sister are family no matter what. If you talk to your H's sister about the details of your problems, your H may resent you big time.
I recommend that you talk with someone that you are close to. I chose to tell two of my friends. My H was friends with them, but they are definitely more my friends than his. I told them about the situation, although neither of them know all of the details. They are my outlet. They check on me to make sure I am doing ok. Honestly, it just helped to initially tell them what was going on. Try and find someone that you are close with to talk to.
With respect to my H's sister, we talk a lot about the kids, work, friends, etc. H's sister will sometimes ask how things with my H are going because he does not talk to her. I do not complain to my H's sister about our situation and how much it s*c*s. I use it as an opportunity to tell H's sister all the positive things going on. I figure that if H ever talked to his sister about me, I only wanted her to be able to say "She sounds great. Did you know that she is doing ....." Heck, maybe H's sister will even tell H that he better get his act together before he loses me for good. I know that this would be much better for H to hear than his sister telling him that I called sobbing and that I am desperate and want him back. That will get us no where.
You are just started this journey. It is so very hard and long. You are doing a great job. Just keep moving forward.
