How to convince resistant LD wife?

[Ambivalent]

Do you mean back in the beginning or throughout the years?

In the beginning, no... now he wined and dined me, but we were not exclusive to each other. I didn't sleep around, but I dated around. What he did, I couldn't tell you...

Again, he worked, partied with his friends and we would see each other perhaps once every 7-10 days.

After six months when we became intimate, he wanted to see me more.

His friends were still a priority.

I was a busy gal too. I was his first real girlfriend, and I believe he liked the idea of being a couple.

Now that doesn't mean he hadn't slept with others. He was the first I'd ever had give me cun. and introduce me to my anatomy. I remember it as if it was yesterday. Since I never knew it was there and I don't think he was really experienced with it either, it was sensitive but not comfortable.

Neither of us knew not to touch the actual button , so it was too much and somewhat irritating. I never climaxed that way. When we were to get married, I was given a plastic vibrator at my bridal shower. We were not going to use any of our presents 'til after the wedding, but I couldn't resist trying it.

I had my first orgasm and he called from work right afterwards and knew immediately. He even asked me if I had tried it, I guess it was in my voice, HA!

Anyway he tried, but he was too rough and I never thought back then to have it join us. There was the pre-conceived notion that it was private. I thought sex was supposed to be just us. That is was weird or odd to use that with us. I was VERY naïve, and had no clue about anything!
So we never succeeded in figuring out between us. Over time I just didn't want him to do it.

As for was he considerate, yes , still is. It is not just with me, it is how he is with everyone. As for putting me first, not really. It is more how I fit in with what he wants. I'm not asked to come drive the cart for golfing, or watch him bowl. I have asked him to come watch me play tennis or even play, but he is too tough on himself when we did.

Ego, when it came to serving. He thought ( like many men ) that when you get on the court, it should be easy. That he was supposed to have a big serve, and it would go in easily. Tennis like golf is a finesse sport. So I was better, and he didn't like it.

Now don't get me wrong. He is loving , he is kind, he is patient, and he is giving. Do we speak the same love languages ? No. But that is easily remedied. Do I have area in which I could work and change...absolutely!

Does he...yes. I'm more than willing to work , always knew marriage was work, and always have worked on it. It is the trusting of each other to give "us" the priority.

He has "doubts that we can work things out" . This was stated back in the first few months. He recently said "most" things haven't changed from when he left. He still won't specify. I can list what has changed with me...and it is quite a bit...but I'm not going to get hung up on his "list". Let's face it , there will ALWAYS be something.

What I want? To help him feel secure in taking another chance. For him to feel safe talking to me about ANYTHING. For him to feel that he can come to me with his needs...all of them. I'm realistic and do know that nobody can meet one person's needs. Whether he does or not is TBD'd.

He is afraid of falling into old patterns. I get this. It scares me too. I would like him to feel secure enough with me , to give us the opportunity to heal and start anew.

I would like us to be team in every aspect! Sex, emotional needs, daily affirmations, financial teamwork...I would rather work with what I've got than ever try with a complete stranger. I do love him. I wouldn't step as far out of my comfort zone if I didn't .

If I look at how I felt prior to this, it helps me to emotionally distance myself. Where I am is very difficult. For in many ways I was more detached in my marriage. Now every nuance is touching nerves and causing emotions within me to flare. When I should be detached , now, is almost impossible for me. When I shouldn't have been prior to this, when we should have been one, we weren't .

I sure pray there is hope for us. I'm dancing as fast as I can, and working harder than I've ever worked in my life!