So after all that he lost the wedding band. He had it in the pocket of his jeans. I couldn't stop nyself from saying "so where did you take your jeans off last night" even as I was saying it I was telling myself STOP. He again said he had just been out driving. (Is there anyway I am completely wrong about the A?)
So now I feel we have taken 100 steps back. He is now keeping his bag in his trunk so another layer of secrecy. I never snooped through bag. I wasn't snooping in phone when I saw first heart breaking text. We had open access to phones bags drawers because we had nothing to hide. I admit I did snoop once all the password protection went up but stopped. It did nothing but anger him and make me sad.
I am off work today so I am planning to exercise and then digging into DR.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
JG, keep working at DBing. Read the rules more than once a day. Read them every time you are going to see H. You need to be able to bite your tongue. Before you react to anything, ask yourself whether making that comment is going to help you or hurt you in what you are trying to accomplish. Making comments about his pants is NOT helping you. It is only giving him more ammunition against you.
You didn't give much detail about how you confirmed the A. Just through phone records? Is there a particular phone number that he calls frequently? Do you know who it is?
Yes, read DR! Read it twice. I think it will really help you to understand DBing better!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Regarding my discovery of A. It started with me seeing a Facebook conversation with him saying something along the lines of "I can't wait to touch you again" I confronted him. He said I was taking it out of context and he was talking about comforting her during her daughter's surgery.
Than a week later I saw a text from her saying " I love you and will carry you in my heart forever. " this is an old high school friend he reconnected with on Facebook.
He said she meant to send it to someone else but also freaked out at me for snooping and not trusting him. The next day his phone was password protected. Facebook and email passwords that we always had shared were suddenly changed.
Over the next few weeks he started to distance himself from me. Stopped calling me from work. Took hours to return my calls. Started taking the dog out every night for 2 hour walks. Started hanging out in the basement. Became very protective of phone even started sleeping with it.
As expected things were getting very bad between us and I questioned him about A and OW. He said I was crazy. He said he had broken all contact with her weeks before because it upset me.
But nothing changed and my gut told me a different story so I checked phone records and found out it was a lie. Hundreds of texts back and forth between them every day starting when he got up at 5 am. All those long walks with dog he was talking to her. Long calls to her every time I worked late and he was supposed to be caring for s9.
I confronted. He denied. Fights escalated. BD. And that is when I discovered DB.
Whew... good to get it out but now I am done. Time to stop giving so much power to a bad situation and focus on Me.
Exercise and reading today as well as trip to craft store to find a holiday project.
IC tomorrow.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
Holiday projects are always fun! I love craft stores. I hope you are able to let your mind rest a bit and enjoy this day.
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Regarding my discovery of A. It started with me seeing a Facebook conversation with him saying something along the lines of "I can't wait to touch you again" I confronted him. He said I was taking it out of context and he was talking about comforting her during her daughter's surgery.
Than a week later I saw a text from her saying " I love you and will carry you in my heart forever. " this is an old high school friend he reconnected with on Facebook.
He said she meant to send it to someone else but also freaked out at me for snooping and not trusting him. The next day his phone was password protected. Facebook and email passwords that we always had shared were suddenly changed.
Over the next few weeks he started to distance himself from me. Stopped calling me from work. Took hours to return my calls. Started taking the dog out every night for 2 hour walks. Started hanging out in the basement. Became very protective of phone even started sleeping with it.
As expected things were getting very bad between us and I questioned him about A and OW. He said I was crazy. He said he had broken all contact with her weeks before because it upset me.
But nothing changed and my gut told me a different story so I checked phone records and found out it was a lie. Hundreds of texts back and forth between them every day starting when he got up at 5 am. All those long walks with dog he was talking to her. Long calls to her every time I worked late and he was supposed to be caring for s9.
I confronted. He denied. Fights escalated. BD. And that is when I discovered DB.
Whew... good to get it out but now I am done. Time to stop giving so much power to a bad situation and focus on Me.
Exercise and reading today as well as trip to craft store to find a holiday project.
IC tomorrow.
This sounds so much like the start of my sitch, its uncanny.
Someone who openly shared their passwords, and phone with me at one time, now PW protects phone, changed all PW's and never seems to EVER put her phone down.
J - I am so sorry you are going through this. The same thing happened to me. I am still amazed that they can look into your eyes AFTER you catch them and continue to lie. My IC said that it like they are a drug addict trying to protect their stash. It is like their brain has stopped working because they actually believe their lies and expect us to do so too. My H has never told me the truth about anything related to his A. The only things that I know are the things that I found. If they admit the truth to us, they have to admit the truth to themselves.
You have found a great place to turn. Keep writing and keep moving forward
Yeah, the lies are part of it. An affair in itself is a pretty damned big lie, so is it any surprise that they cover a big lie with smaller ones? And when caught they'll craft some amazingly intricate lies to make the LBS sound like the crazy one. It's all part of the script.
Julie, based on what you posted there's not really much of a doubt that he's in an A. So my question to you is this, is it a deal-killer? Are you still standing for your M or are you ready to walk? Take time to think about that, it's a huge decision. In my sitch I never have found out the extent of my W's affair. Early on I really struggled with not knowing if it was a PA or EA. Finally I asked myself what it would take to get past this, and I decided that knowing would help. But I didn't have any evidence and I didn't want to snoop, so I decided then that I would assume the worst. My W was involved in a PA. Then my decision was where to go from there. It took me about 2 weeks to decide that I still wanted to stand.
Now I am NOT telling you to let him off the hook for the affair, nor am I telling you to be a doormat. If you decide to stand, that just means you're not closing the door on the M. You still MUST detach, GAL and leave him to the mess he's made.
Anotherstander- thanks for sharing. At this point I have decided to stand. I have really thought about why. Am I taking this course for kids or financial reasons or because I have no family or help in the area? All of the above but more importantly I really believe that when 2 people choose to get married and create a family that walking away should not be an option. I also, despite all of this, love my husband so I am still holding onto hope that someday the man I married will come back and kick out this alien version of him that is here now.
That said, I have been listening to all the complaints he has made about ne and marriage. While I do not accept the 100% blame he is laying on me much of what he said is valid. This is my starting point in making nyself a better person.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
That said, I have been listening to all the complaints he has made about ne and marriage. While I do not accept the 100% blame he is laying on me much of what he said is valid. This is my starting point in making nyself a better person.
The percentage of blame is completely irrelevant. Look at the things he complained about . . . figure out which ones are honestly true. (Being mad that you accused him of an A when he is actually having one is not one of them.) Now of those, figure out which of them you want to change about you. And get to work!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
